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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think these gifts might be stolen?

184 replies

poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 11:21

(background) BIL has a new(1 yr) gf, she is a bit odd. She is about 34 and a carer. In the past he has gifted carefully thought out presents to ourselves and our daughter.

The first time that we met her, some things went missing from our house. It was new makeup that I had placed on a side table next to the sofa. I saw it there, then she sat down near it and an hour later it was gone. We looked all over the lounge for it all together, couldn't find it. I wasn't too bothered as not expensive but found it very strange and got a bit of a weird vibe. She also took two Kitkats from the biscuits offered around and put them in her bag without asking. She wasn't sneaky about that though just said 'oh I'll have these later' which is weird (IMO) but not a crime.

She told him that she would 'sort christmas this year'

DD is 5 and opened her presents yesterday. BIL and GF live a far away so the presents were not given in person but via a relative.

DD was thrilled to open a pair of Babyliss hair straighteners. now there are a few issues with this; A) totally inappropriate (dangerous) B) daughter has tight/afro hair so cant use them even if we let her C) box was very old and dusty and the packaging was like branding from the early noughties. It was unopened but had damp mould on it. We have had to tell DD she cant use them (for safety reasons) and she is upset. She was also given a bottle of Opium (perfume). Again, inappropriate for a 5yr old, and it was an old design bottle that was pretty beaten up. So far so puzzled.

DH opened his gifts and it was a Dove gift set that had been opened and an item removed (2 out of three were there) and a new bottle of BullDog facewash. Again puzzled about the incomplete gift set.

I opened my gift and was really shocked to find a pack of chestnut brown hair dye (I have blonde hair), some playboy perfume which had been opened and used and a DVD of the new Beauty and the beast, but without the plastic on the packaging or the leaflet inside.

I didnt really know what to say at that point to the relatives that delivered the gifts so just kind of looked confused and put them aside.

I got a strong vibe that they were someone elses stuff? they had been opened and used in some cases, and were such a random selection of things.

We arent planning on saying anything to them really, except maybe about the straighteners and the safety issue but I am really worried that she has taken these things from her clients. She looks after adults with learning disabilities and it would be a violation of their trust. I have no proof though so wonder if its best to just say nothing at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 19:17

Also yes, she visits clients in their own homes. Travels around in her car to see people.

OP posts:
Original poster
poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 19:18

I've literally met her twice though and was nice, and even sent her some lovely gifts for her birthday and Christmas this year (although I'm now regretting it)

OP posts:
CurlsLDN · 28/12/2017 19:20

OP as others have said you need to (gently) raise this with BIL.

Something is not quite right, and you need to just check the situation.

extinctspecies · 28/12/2017 19:21

The instant coffee is really weird. Very hard to see how anyone could think that was a good Xmas gift ....

peachgreen · 28/12/2017 19:24

People don't really keep the boxes of things though so they? So more likely to be car boot / dodgy pound shop imo. I suspect it was all she could afford. But you could check with your BIL by raising the straighteners as a safety issue (ie "it was a lovely thought but DD can't use straighteners, where did GF get them / could they be swapped" etc).

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 28/12/2017 19:33

People don't really keep the boxes of things though so they?

I keep the boxes of mobile phones and similar small electrical items. Perfume is kept in the box it came in.

Weezol · 28/12/2017 19:42

I'm a box keeper, especially perfume. It's recommended to keep the bottle in the box to prolong the life of the fragrance which can be affected by sunlight.
I tend to keep boxes for small, expensive things until the item is out of guarantee.

LaurelLiar · 28/12/2017 19:43

Instant coffee? How bizarre or a piss take. Either way please check if bil isn't being taken for a ride.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 28/12/2017 19:47

I tend to keep boxes for small, expensive things until the item is out of guarantee.

Me too, and I put the receipt in the relevant box for safe -keeping.

64BooLane · 28/12/2017 20:23

I don't think she did it to upset you. Why would anyone with a grudge take this approach? If you were actually upset, it would only give you the moral high ground and put her in the wrong. Presumably that wouldn't be her desired outcome even if she secretly hated you (which also in itself seems unlikely, if you've been nice to her generally).

It seems more like a case of spectacularly poor judgement on two levels: firstly in acquiring the items somewhere non-standard and ignoring or overlooking the mould, etc; and secondly in imagining they would somehow be accepted as normal/fitting.

I reckon she might have some difficulties around her perception of what's socially appropriate.

studentmum3 · 28/12/2017 20:50

Are your sure she wasn't trying to make pointed digs of some kind?
Your daughter with Afro hair gets straighteners
You do gets bulldog face wash and you get a beauty and the beast DVD and hair dye that would give you brown hair (like Belle)
Your coffee loving in-laws get instant coffee
......
They are either very random gifts or she was intentionally being a bitch.
They sound either stolen or a random collection of unwanted stuff from around her home.

ThisYear · 28/12/2017 20:59

I'm with studentmum3 on this. I definitely don't think that they are random, it's more she's trying to tell you something. I think she has planned the gifts, but have no idea why.

extinctspecies · 28/12/2017 21:03

OP I think somewhere on the thread you mentioned that BIL has ASD.

If the gf also has ASD that could explain her unusual choice of presents. She may have difficulty understanding what is appropriate.

ImAMarshmellow · 28/12/2017 21:05

Has she just seriously misunderstood what's appropriate?
Your BIl said oh Mum likes coffee and she's interpreted that as 'oh instant coffee', for your dd she might have seen a photo of her with curly hair and thought 'lots of girls straighten their hair I'll get that' etc....

MiddleClassProblem · 28/12/2017 21:05

It does sound a bit PA. I thought that when in your OP you said about the hair dye.

But what on earth could have happened in your two meets to have made her feel aggrieved to do that? And to PIL too?

I have no idea what up or down with this lady.

MistyMinge · 28/12/2017 21:13

Hmmm after reading your recent updates I'm starting to think they aren't random at all. I'm with studentmum and think they're maybe bitchy presents. Could you be jealous of your lifestyle, earnings etc?

Atticusss · 28/12/2017 21:13

Regardless of where she got them from, I think the hair straighteners for anyone with Afro hair is actually racially offensive if they haven't expressed a desire for straighteners specifically. Even worse for a child and even worse for a child under 10! I'd be offended enough by tjT to say something to your brother. I also think the hair dye is pretty offensive but I'd let that one go and focus on the straighteners.

I think you are right to assume theft from care home given the missing make up, but I don't think there is anything you can do about that.

Rossigigi · 28/12/2017 21:14

Now you say she goes to service users homes, I'm sorry but I am inclined to say that is where some of these have come from.

Unfortunately abuse of service users by carers in the community is more common than people think.

Which is a kick in the stomach to the many many hundreds of thousands of carers that do an amazing job and go above and beyond in their care to those that they support every single day.

I think first port of cal is having a chat with your brother? Does he know what gifts you've received? Does he believe you have been given something else?

MiddleClassProblem · 28/12/2017 21:16

I think the hair straighteners for anyone with Afro hair is actually racially offensive if they haven't expressed a desire for straighteners specifically.

^This

Also hate the idea of making a child question their looks. Fine if they have expressed wanting to try different looks in a fun way but not as a “have you tried this”.

HeyRoly · 28/12/2017 21:22

If she works with vulnerable adults then yes, it does sound like she might have stolen them

Unfortunately, this is a distinct possibility. My nan has dementia and is in a care home, and my mum has noticed brand new clothes disappear from her wardrobe more than once.

Sometimes things go missing and reappear days/weeks/months later, but the new clothes disappeared quickly and were never seen again.

eastlondoner · 28/12/2017 21:27

Yep my first thought would be that she pocketed any money your brother gave her to buy presents and then either registers her own old stuff, or given her behaviour at your house nicked stuff from other people.

eastlondoner · 28/12/2017 21:29
  • regifted
Ontheboardwalk · 28/12/2017 22:01

Seems very strange. She could have pocketed the cash but purchased cheap and cheerful pressies for you all without rousing suspicion and having you all talking.

Shadow666 · 29/12/2017 02:36

Do you know who she works for OP? I’d maybe approach her work with your concerns.

Original poster
poopsqueak · 29/12/2017 09:30

I don't know where she works, no.

OP posts:
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