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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about mil staying?

279 replies

BlueNewYear · 28/12/2017 10:58

Mil is staying in our home tomorrow for 2 weeks. She is from non-european country and doesn't speak English. I've never met her before. I have anxiety and depression and a 4 month old baby who is having a sleep regression and is ebf. Between us, we also have 2 seven year old daughters and a 6 year old son.

Whilst mil is staying, dh is going to work for 6 hours on 3 of the days. I'm feeling scared and overwhelmed. Is dh being unreasonable expecting me to cope with this?

OP posts:
happypoobum · 28/12/2017 13:51

And please do remember, DH Is only going to be at work for 18 hours of this fortnight, so he will be around to do the lions share of socialising....

I hope you get on like a house on fire Smile

Maelstrop · 28/12/2017 13:58

He said if I freaked out, we're over.

This makes me cringe for you. He knows you have mh issues yet says this to you. Definitely a threat and very unfortunate for him to say this to you.

Being on the phone to his mum several times a day is also worrying. He sounds like a right mummy’s boy.

I think be as open and smiley as you can be, but your DP can’t expect miracles from you given the timing. Will your dsd be staying with you the whole time? I would try to take an interest in the language so you learn a little and can at least do basic greetings.

Good luck, OP, try not to worry, pointless to say, I know, but your mil may be fabulous

VladmirsPoutine · 28/12/2017 14:07

@BlueNewYear Can you please address this comment as many posters have picked up on it:

He said if I freaked out, we're over.

What is your relationship generally like? Putting aside the 2 week MiL stay how do you all generally rub along together dc included?

Original poster
BlueNewYear · 28/12/2017 14:11

I was going to say mummy's boy but didn't want to use that phrase on MN. Didn't think it would go down well.

I've even considered ending the relationship so I don't have to go through this. That's how erratic my thinking is. I'm currently staying at my mum's with baby and kids and he's gone to his home country to fetch her.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 28/12/2017 14:18

I'm starting to suspect that your mental health issues are not a by-product of this relationship but in fact the cause. Would you say there is any truth in that?

I mean who threatens their wife with divorce over a 2-week visit by a Mil, especially in view of the fact that you can't speak the same language and already have a blended family and also have a new baby!

I'm beginning to think you need to have frank words with your H. I'd even encourage you to stay with your mum whilst you figure things out. You sound quite vulnerable and weak at the moment and I don't think 2 weeks with your H and his mother will do anything to help this.

Original poster
BlueNewYear · 28/12/2017 14:36

If I stayed with my mum he'd be so angry. It would be the rudest thing to do. Best try and fail than fail outright?

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 28/12/2017 14:41

I just can't do anything right.

This phrase worries me too. I suspect there is far more to your plight than you've said on here.

Flowers for you. And please keep posting, in case we can help you.

diddl · 28/12/2017 14:59

"I've even considered ending the relationship so I don't have to go through this. That's how erratic my thinking is."

Nothing erratic about that.

He's basically saying please my mum or fuck off.

Why does he get all the power?

I'd applaud you if you left tbh.

Jux · 28/12/2017 15:06

He sounds horrid. I’d worry more about him, tbf.

Original poster
BlueNewYear · 29/12/2017 13:06

Only a few hours till they arrive.

I'm working myself up again :(

Loads of fear and now resentment is creeping in. How on earth does he think I'm going to cope with 4 kids and a non-english speaking mil for the 3 days he's at work?? I'm freaking out. I would NEVER put him in this position.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueNewYear · 29/12/2017 13:09

Aibu to feel incredibly angry that he's done this? My blood is boiling.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 29/12/2017 13:11

Don’t worry. A Russian mil will make herself understood lol.

I disagree with making stepdaughter stay to interpret. She’s a kid and should not need to go out of her way because your DP can’t get his shit together. She can just sit there until he is home to interpret.

Original poster
BlueNewYear · 29/12/2017 13:14

Sit there for 3 days straight?

OP posts:
Jux · 29/12/2017 13:14

Have you co-opted your eldest to act as Official Translator? If not, do it now.

No, you’re NBU to be very angry about his attitude; he’s set you up to fail, and he’s got hus horrible threat hanging over you. As soon as mil has gone, pack his bags and send him off. Tell him you are not going to allow him to treat you like this again.

RavingRoo · 29/12/2017 13:15

Not your problem. You didn’t invite her, he did.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2017 13:15

Deep breaths. You’ll be ok. Hopefully she’s a fully competent adult. Remember, if you can communicate with a baby then you can communicate with an adult who doesn’t speak your language.

You will feel self conscious and uncomfortable but it’s 3 days he’s not there. You can do it. But he ducking owes you after and he has to read up on your anxiety. You really need him to learn this is not ok particularly with such a condition. And he can’t thewaten you with divorce.

Remember she’s there to see the kids too, not just you.

Everything crossed that she helpful and actually a bit of fun for you to hang with and not some scary lady who just sits in the corner watching.

Good luck, we’re here if you need to vent x

Jux · 29/12/2017 13:15

I don’t see why a 12 yr old can’t be given some responsibility - translating is great practise for her. She may see a career in it!

Original poster
BlueNewYear · 29/12/2017 13:16

I feel sick to my stomach but safe in the knowledge that I can take myself and the kids to my mum's if it's all too much. That will herald the end of our relationship of course, he'll be furious.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/12/2017 13:16

One of your worries is that your baby doesn't cope well with strangers. If she's staying in your house she won't be a stranger after a couple of days and your baby may well warm to her so that she can help.

Use your DSD for translating when your H is at work. And let him pick up the slack when he's home.

And when she's gone home, have a very serious chat with him.

Original poster
BlueNewYear · 29/12/2017 13:17

The oldest is 7 years old.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueNewYear · 29/12/2017 13:18

Ravingroo very true. His mess.

OP posts:
Hijklm · 29/12/2017 13:18

I would imagine that she’s more nervous than you tbh.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2017 13:19

If it’s the end of your relationship, that’s his doing not yours. You can only put your children and your own sanity first. Just take each day/hour as it comes x

Hijklm · 29/12/2017 13:19

It’s not unreasonable for him to expect you and his dc to have a relationship with his mother. Fast forward 30 years and how you’d feel it if was your son and DIL. She might be lovely.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2017 13:20

I doubt she’s more nervous! I don’t think he’s threatened her with NC if they don’t get on!