To be scared about mil staying?

[BlueNewYear]

Mil is staying in our home tomorrow for 2 weeks. She is from non-european country and doesn't speak English. I've never met her before. I have anxiety and depression and a 4 month old baby who is having a sleep regression and is ebf. Between us, we also have 2 seven year old daughters and a 6 year old son.

Whilst mil is staying, dh is going to work for 6 hours on 3 of the days. I'm feeling scared and overwhelmed. Is dh being unreasonable expecting me to cope with this?

Depression and anxiety cause people to lose proportion. The dh could acknowledge that and offer kindness and support, but instead he says buck up or I'll dump you.

I ran to my mum's many times at this stage, because when your closest person can't understand your feelings, you need comfort and reassurance. I don't blame anyone for not understanding mental health issues, I didn't either until I had them myself. But his attitude is truly shocking.

Yet so many posters seem to think this is about having a nice Russian granny in the house.

The best idea is from page one.
poster Tighnabruaich has hit this nail fair and square on the head.
Brilliant idea, try to learn a few words, google translate it s going to be your friend too.

I'm going to risk offending Russian MNers... I really don't want to, but I think this might be helpful.

OP, I work with Russians. Almost all the Russian women in my Moscow office have the most impressive resting bitch face!

They are also warm hearted, funny, kind, and generally very very similar to all the people in the other offices I've worked in.

So if she looks at all stern on arrival please don't read anything into it at all. When I first went to Moscow, I thought they all hated me! Now, I have more Russian colleagues as friends on Facebook than any other nationality colleagues! Do not fear the stern look!

Remember that they're 3 hours ahead and she's had 3.5 hours on a plane... and probably a massive queue at passport control.

Use the universal language: smile, and food!!!

This is all coming from your anxiety.

If you really think you're going to flee, can you get your mum to come over to you instead? More family to welcome her, and a bit of backup for you.

Tomorrow get your SD to translate, and get them all teaching Russian to your own children. It'll pass the time and take the focus off you.

Pree-vee-ett is hello.

I just want to pop in and say that it genuinely may be really nice. I understand you're going to be prone to anxiety and negative thinking with your MH problems (I do understand - struggled with depression for years and still have an anxiety disorder), but for all you know your MIL could be super nice, friendly, and really helpful.

My DM was in similar situations. She first met her MIL and FIL a few weeks before I was born, they came to stay with my parents in their tiny 1 bed 2nd floor flat in prep for me being born and stayed for about 3 months afterwards. My DM could not speak more than a few words of their non-european language and comes from a vastly different cultural background from them, obviously. It is actually much easier to communicate with people with whom you don't have a common language than you might think, and my DM always jokes that the best thing about her not being able to speak my DF's native language is that she can't ever get involved in arguments with any of them, so her relationship with them all has always been good - not really close, but good. DM's MIL and FIL were great to her, looked after her and did everything for her around the house while my dad was at work during the later stage of my DM's pregnancy, and helped her once I was born. My DPs lived in a city with no family and few friends so my DM was grateful for them being there for help and support.

So I just want to share a positive story with you because obviously people online are more likely to share negative stories (I mean who starts a thread to say ' I get on really well with my foreign MIL even though we can't speak the same language'?). Deep breaths and make sure DH knows you won't be running about after her, he has to initially sort her out and after that MIL is family and needs to tuck in to helping you.

Watch TV she can't understand?

Thanks to everyone who has posted.

Is there anything you could recommend I say to dh to make this visit easier?

My reaction to my anxiety is suicidal thoughts and self harming. It’s not rational. Fleeing is the same. Sure you can say an adult shouldn’t react like that but you’re completely ignoring a condition. It’s like saying someone with a leg injury should be able to do a certain exercise as any other adult could do it. It takes treatment and time and doesn’t mean you won’t have a relapse.

My mother speaks some Emglish but. Ot well enough to jnderstand tv amd still
Watches it when she’s over here. Bake off or something like that?

Good luck

Why not get involved with her to the point of trying to learn a few words of her language in order to help with day to day communication ... even if it's just yes and no, please and thank you and similar basics. I'm assuming your DH is also Russian if his daughter speaks the language. I'm betting she'll be a great help with the baby/around the house while she's with you. She may be equally nervous finding herself in a household where she can speak to only two of you.

Check dvds may Russian dubbing or subtitles? Maybe dl etching more adult than peppa pig but you never know what she’s into

This is a "happy new year" bauble that my colleagues gave me.
Can you get your SD asking MIL to talk about new year traditions, and translate them for your kids and you?

Having a plan for what to do with her might help

How much of a Russian community is your husband involved with?

There may be other Russians that you could meet for afternoon tea one day. Partly to be welcoming for her - but also to spread the load

What about your husband's ex wife? Is she Russian and in the U.K. and would she enjoy a catch up?

It’s like saying someone with a leg injury should be able to do a certain exercise as any other adult could do it. It takes treatment

That’s the point I’m trying to make, clearly not well! OP needs to address why such a normal situation is making her feel the way she does, be it her mental health, her DH being a twat (we don’t actually know this) or some other reason. That’s why I said there must be more to it because on the face of it it’s an awful lot of drama about nothing.

Lol his mother would punch his ex wife, but that's for another thread...

But she says from the off that she has anxiety and depression. Fairly sure she knows.

I really do recommend that you get your mother over to yours.

You need the support.
It will look like everyone wants to meet MIL.
It will seem perfectly normal to have your own mother around to help with the baby, and because of the holiday period.

Your husband isn't understanding your illness... but you know, I'm going to say, that not many people do. It will be very hard for him to understand this, because when you're well, this isn't that big a deal. So if he has always been OK before, I would say cut him some slack because he may just have snapped from the stress the illness puts on everyone.

You asked what you could say to him... you could ask him to help you? Tell him you want this to go OK, and tell him that you need. If he's a good man, he may be foundering with what he can do.

If he's not a good man, then fuck him and fuck his mum - doesn't matter if you don't get on

"Either the OP is being ridiculous, or her mental health issues mean she’s over reacting"

Reactions due to a MH problem are not 'overreacting', they are the symptoms of a person suffering a MH problem.

This visit sounds poorly planned (by the DH) - surely he could have made sure to have been there for the whole of the first day at least - think of all the 'house rules', information, baby's schedule, how to turn the telly on all of that, that he could quickly and easily have availed his mother about.

Instead he's leaving it all to OP when he knows she is stressed out by it - how bloody selfish is that?!

Having said that, I'd have go with what PPs have said and use Google translate and think of what things you think you'll want to say to her "Can you change baby's nappy", "Can you make me a sandwich whilst I feed baby", "Do you want a cup of tea?", "I'm going to take baby to the park, would you like to come".

As well as "So lovely to meet you and welcome", you know, that sort of thing.

Could you get your own mum over on the first day to help reduce your tension a bit?? Are there friends you can have round or a coffee morning or something that you could take her to - again, possibly reducing the anxiety and isolation of it just being the two of you??

I find people are generally quite dismissive of anxiety offering up 'why don't you just' and other such useless sentences. No one with anxiety wants to feel the way they do, or carry out behaviours that the anxiety leads them to do!

Can I ask a question: is dh being unreasonable for organising this visit and yet going to work for 3 days of it?

Ha!
Well there you go then...
If she hates the XW that much you're one up

My own mum is a depressive wreck just like me. She'd be useless visiting. I wouldn't put her in that position.

Morris, I do understand. But nevertheless, OP is there and has not run away yet. I think that as she has decided that for the moment she will try to deal with it, then it behooves us to try help her do that.

Oh love, that's a really hard question to answer.

It's not ideal that he's not there.

But from the point of view of someone without anxiety/depression - if it's 3x 6 hours over a visit of at least a week, that's not massively unreasonable.

Was it booked before you both knew how bad you'd be feeling?
Did he plan to be off and something not his fault has come off?

TBH, from his mother's point of view, I'd think "fucksake" at him being at work!

You need to know the full ins and outs to say if it's unreasonable.

I think he should take holiday - but I'd change my mind if you told me he'd had to take extra to support you in last months.

"OP needs to address why such a normal situation is making her feel the way she does"
Well, if she suffers from anxiety, it'll be, ummm, her anxiety?! That's what anxiety is - levels of anxiety that don't match the situation. It's not done by choice.

"be it... her DH being a twat. Yes, this is a possibility, he seems on the face of it unsympathetic and in my opinion hasn't planned the visit very well at all, if at all. That in itself shows a lack of regard towards OP.

"there must be more to it because on the face of it it’s an awful lot of drama about nothing."
Wow. Just wow. You have however actually encapsulated exactly what anxiety is - a whole lot of drama about something that you wouldn't find stressful, but someone with anxiety DOES. If someone has these reactions due to anxiety if is not their fault, it is not 'drama', it is the manifestation of anxiety symptoms and behaviours.

www.abebooks.com/books/depressing-soviet-union-tolstoy/russian-literature.shtml

OP - Russian literature is famed for being depressing... you may find that MIL relates to you better than your husband