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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about mil staying?

279 replies

BlueNewYear · 28/12/2017 10:58

Mil is staying in our home tomorrow for 2 weeks. She is from non-european country and doesn't speak English. I've never met her before. I have anxiety and depression and a 4 month old baby who is having a sleep regression and is ebf. Between us, we also have 2 seven year old daughters and a 6 year old son.

Whilst mil is staying, dh is going to work for 6 hours on 3 of the days. I'm feeling scared and overwhelmed. Is dh being unreasonable expecting me to cope with this?

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2017 11:35

Hopefully by the time he's working, you'll feel more comfortable with her and she'll feel able to help herself and entertain herself. (When someone is staying a fortnight, I'd expect them to be fairly self-sufficient, not to have to wait on them). Make sure dh establishes that with her, and maybe plan how you'll spend the time he's out. She might want to go out and about on her own anyway.

Might be an idea for the longterm to start learning a bit of his language, so that on visits you're not so thrown for a loop. Also it'll be part of your dc together's heritage.

WhooooAmI24601 · 28/12/2017 11:35

I agree with the suggestion of a few basic phrases/words.

YANBU to be worried at all; you have a lot going on. But it's something to get through so be as pragmatic as you can; ask DH for ideas on what MIL might want to do on the days he's at work, for words and phrases he can write down so you can at least communicate with her and think of some low-key things you could do with her that don't require words; a walk to the park to feed ducks, a bit of cross stitch or knitting, walking the dog, baking something. Anything so that you're not sat staring at one another.

NNchangedforthis · 28/12/2017 11:37

She could be really helpful :)
Show her where the tea and coffee are, make sure DH has bought some food/drink she will like. Let her help with the baby.
Don’t be scared to ensure she tidies up after herself. Go for walks, wrap everyone up and off to the park etc :)

Original poster
BlueNewYear · 28/12/2017 11:37

Thanks everyone. You're helping my nerves.

Dh is very close to his mum. Speaks to her multiple times a day. If I mess up things with her, I'm toast. There's a lot at stake which is making me even more anxious.

OP posts:
Clandestino · 28/12/2017 11:39

You said non-European country, I thought Asia etc. where you would have a problem relating culturally. Last time I checked, Russia was in Europe. Their traditions are not that exotic, neither is the way they behave.
Depending on how she is, she may be very keen on starting cleaning, cooking and take care of the baby so if that happens, I suggest you just let her and enjoy the moments of relaxation.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/12/2017 11:39

You're not going to mess up. Your DH knows you're unwell. He loves you both.

Cantuccit · 28/12/2017 11:43

What do you mean you're 'toast', OP?

Is DH putting pressure on you?

KindergartenKop · 28/12/2017 11:43

Russian is a really interesting language. Ask her and your dsd to teach you some words/letters/phrases. Is she coming for Orthodox Xmas? Is there an Orthodox Church she can visit. Daily.

diddl · 28/12/2017 11:43

"If I mess up things with her, I'm toast. "

Well you know that if that were true then imo he's not worth keeping!

Being alone with a stranger who you can't talk to is a big ask without him giving the impression that the relationship could sink or swim depending on the outcome.

He's making a difficult situation even more overwhelming!

KindergartenKop · 28/12/2017 11:44

Clandestino, not all of Russia is in Europe, it's bloody huge.

Original poster
BlueNewYear · 28/12/2017 11:44

He said if I freaked out, we're over. I'm a very emotional person so I'm scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueNewYear · 28/12/2017 11:45

Yeah orthodox Xmas is 6th January I believe?

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 28/12/2017 11:46

If I mess up things with her, I'm toast. There's a lot at stake which is making me even more anxious.

Hmm. Could it be that it's actually your dh who is the problem here, not his mother?

Bingbongboo29 · 28/12/2017 11:47

Hi op! I was in a similar situation 5 years ago! Except i met her once and knew a few words and just our 3 month old! It was fine and we spent about 12 hours a day together for 2 months! She has since visited for 6 months a tine 3 more times and i can soeak with her better now! She will most likely help with the kids! Ask your partner if she will help. He can tell her anything important you want her to know before he leaves and your step child can help communicate! Google translate is your friend but dobt translate full snetences too much as it doesnt always make sense! She may try and learn a bit of wnglish or you some of hers a
Or both! What language does she speak?

Allwashedup · 28/12/2017 11:48

Perhsps she can show you some Russian receipes or cooking.

Bingbongboo29 · 28/12/2017 11:48

Ah russian didnt see that. I didnt read the whole thread

SandAndSea · 28/12/2017 11:49

Try to reassure yourself, OP. Some things are universal. (In my youth, I had a fabulous affair with a non-English speaking man.) You might be surprised how much you connect with her. I'm sure she will be nervous too, staying in a foreign country and meeting you for the first time. If you focus on trying to make her feel welcome, it might help to take your mind off your own worries.

Bingbongboo29 · 28/12/2017 11:50

And why would you be toast...? Is she the queen or something.... just treat her as any other human being....unless your planninh on starving her and locking her in theres not much you can do wrong...!

BluePlasticBuddha · 28/12/2017 11:50

Russian Grandmothers are the best. She will scoop you up, take over your kitchen and give you loads of hugs and kisses.

(At least that's what mine did to my Dmum and me).

You'll love it. Promise.

Smile lots, have a page of useful phrases for you to point to, and relax. I bet it will be great. Thanks

Rainbowmother · 28/12/2017 11:50

Isn't there an app where you type what you want to say and it changes it to her language then she types her reply?

I've seen it on 90 day fiancé Grin

I like how your DH has arranged this and won't be around for a large part. I'd be annoyed with such a small baby

dertyyuoih2 · 28/12/2017 11:51

My husbands family are Eastern European, we had a few of them to stay last year. They spoke next to no English, when husband wasn’t there we smiled pointed and laughed... and Just indicated to things. We got on just fine. Chances are for the hours he’s not there she will be fussing over the children or making yummy food.
His family cooked a lot when they came over, yummy soup and Periogi etc.
It will be better than you think, his family clearly mean a lot. Imagine role reversal and it’s your Mum coming over you’d want your husand to get on etc.
My MIL is a bit overbearing at times (cultural differences) but we get on very well.

BluePlasticBuddha · 28/12/2017 11:51

Oh god yes- watch her cook Russian stuff an take notes. best food ever.

Bingbongboo29 · 28/12/2017 11:54

My mil isnt european but she makes good food! I learnt a lot from her! You might pick up some russian!

mummmy2017 · 28/12/2017 11:56

there is a phone app, saw it on TV...
It lets you speak and it changes it into her language, also works the other way around. A policeman was raving about it.
Think it may well be worth buying, as she must be just as worried as you are about not being able to talk.
Also there is a google translator for laptops you can use for free....
Face your fears sometimes they are not what you think they are.

MiddleClassProblem · 28/12/2017 11:57

He really doesn’t sound supportive. I would be just like you in your position. I think regardless of her visit, he really needs to get clued up on your mental heath illnesses and get some empathy. But threatening you with it ending the relationship? That’s ridiculous even if you weren’t suffering from any conditions. Sounds like a militant prick. I’m sure he has his good points but this is a massive red flag to mE. I know that’s shot to hear when you have a 4 month old. I think you really need to think about it though and discuss it.

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