To be scared about mil staying?

[BlueNewYear]

Mil is staying in our home tomorrow for 2 weeks. She is from non-european country and doesn't speak English. I've never met her before. I have anxiety and depression and a 4 month old baby who is having a sleep regression and is ebf. Between us, we also have 2 seven year old daughters and a 6 year old son.

Whilst mil is staying, dh is going to work for 6 hours on 3 of the days. I'm feeling scared and overwhelmed. Is dh being unreasonable expecting me to cope with this?

He said if I freaked out, we're over.

Really? He has threatened divorce if everything doesn't go amazingly well with your Mil? Seriously?

Russian Christmas is Jan 7th. You'll be fine, OP. Russia is not a million miles away culturally. And think how daunting it must be for your MIL to be coming to another woman's house in a country where she doesn't speak the language etc. Be kind to her and she'll be kind to you is my guess.

Assuming you either have a smartphone or a laptop/tablet or at least some device that allows you to go online, then why not download some a translation app onto your phone then she can speak and it will translate and vice versa, or even if you have to type it out to each other. Some examples here.

www.fluentu.com/blog/russian/russian-translator-app/

play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.voicetranslator.SpeakAndTranslateFree&hl=en

Remember she is probably feeling very nervous as well , why not get your stepdaughter/husband to teach you a welcome greeting . i know it seems overwhelming but it could also be enjoyable and a funny story to tell in the future, the two of you getting to know each other via the medium of translation apps and interpretative hand gestures.

Yes as per your question, you are BU about feeling stressed because you are going to be without your husband for 3 x 6 hours out of the 2 weeks that she is there, if your husband has to work there is not alot he can do about it.

Its your anxiety thats making it out to be a huge thing , there are things you can do that dont require translation ie walks in the park. Some of those 6 hours will be taken up with mealtimes etc as well. Ask her to show you how to cook one of his favourite foods (I appreciate that sounds terribly non feminist but it could be a way to bond and Im assuming either rightly or wrongly that she is perhaps more traditional)

As others suggested, get DD to help with translation and try to relax, I know that isn’t easy.

I would be concerned about your DH’s words than his DM visiting.

WTF?

And after she goes home, sit your partner down and have a tough conversation about the way he talks to you.

It will be fine. My parent in law came to live with us for 1 month when my oldest were 5 month old, my husband worked the whole time and they don't speak my language at all or more than a few words of English (think hello, how are you and okay). Then they came when my oldest were 22 month and stayed for 3 month (I gave birth to the second child after 2 months). And right now they are staying with us again for 3 months.
You learn to communicate with only a few words and lots of body language/signs.

Does DH describe his mum? Is she kind and helpful?Might be a great time to share the load and let her become closer.

appoint her official interpreter

This is a good idea - how old is your DSD? She might be young enough to enjoy wearing an "official interpreter" badge.

I can understand you being worried not sharing a language with your MIL, but I was a Speech and Language Therapist and my specialist area was communication following strokes and head injuries. You will be AMAZED at how much you can communicate using gesture and drawing. Even people who had very limited understanding following their stroke/accident were able together a lot of information across, and convert a lot, using these methods.

Give it a go - you might surprise yourself! And your MIL may be able to give you a welcome break from you baby. I had PND and my great craving was for sleep, but as DS was BF and rarely slept anyway I was like the living dead most of the time. Take the chance if you can to let her bond with your baby, and have a kip!

As I said, my bride had an "official interpreter's hat" It was great because it meant she could take it off when she had enough-and her grandma used to bribe her to put it on again! She loved it. But the partner sounds worrying.

"He said if I freaked out, we're over. "

What a shame you didn't get rid then & save yourself the angst of passing the test or not!

Niece- not bride obviously!

A big problem is that baby won't settle with strangers. So I don't know how she can help out there.

He said if I freaked out, we're over.

I suspect this is the root of your anxiety and I don't blame you at all. Is he like this about other things, putting pressure on you? He doesn't sound very nice at all....

Re MIL, try to be smiley and use open body language. I agree with PP, you should try to involve DSD as interpreter and make sure she knows you want her to feel at home and that you have been very much looking forward to meeting her.

When the visit is over, can you have a serious talk with your DH about how he treats you?

It is normal to be worried, and I expect she is equally worried, but I am sure you will get on fine with her OP. After all you both care deeply for her son.

It really is possible to be friends with someone even if you don't share the same language.

Many years ago DS made great friends with a boy in his class at Primary School who's Mum was a refugee. Although the boy spoke good English, his Mum spoke barely a word. But we all spent quite a lot of time together and I could genuinely say we regarded each other as friends, despite the language barrier.

Try to be positive about it.

A lot of Arab men pull this shit on their European wives too, op - YANBU to dread it. However I must say that the visits are generally not as awkward as feared and it's always better after the first one as you all have more idea to expect from each other. It will be ok.

YANBU at all. I would hate this. Your husband is being a complete dick which won't help either!

I’m sure it will all be fine. Hopefully the baby will soon get used to her and it is her grandchild too.

Have a look online at some translation sites or download an app and try some simple phrases and words like asking if she wants a coffee, please, thankyou etc and maybe write them down.

LaContess why do they do it?

Am I overreacting to this? I feel my home is being invaded and I have no say.

Plus I'll have my boobs out all the time.

OP - yes, i think you are overreacting a bit.

And I don't see what breastfeeding has to do with anything?

Your home is not being invaded. Your DH has invited his mother to stay and meet her grandchild for the first time.

This should be a happy family occasion - and the way you choose to react to it will have a big bearing on how well it goes. Don't choose to be a victim, try and make an effort to make your MIL feel welcome.

I would go to your room to feed the baby, don't worry about that. It will give you an excuse to get some time to yourself.

Feeling that your home is being invaded seems a bit extreme. Would you feel the same if it was a member of your own family? Can you try to turn it around and feel excited and positive about meeting your babys grandmother?

I can't help thinking your anxiety issues are tied up in your DH and his attitudes towards you from what you have said......

op as I understand it, the man's mum says 'I want to see you, I miss you, I want to come and stay'.

The man then thinks 'Sure, come and stay! My wife will look after you and you can help her too. All women get on perfectly well, after all. What could go wrong? I'll be at work anyway.'

The wife, by the time she gets any input into this plan, is generally worried about being the bitch who tells her DH his mum can't visit and so says 'Err, yes fine.' She then worries/thinks about it for far, far longer than her DH did.

IMO these plans generally happen in misogynistic societies, where men just assume all women will be fine together and never argue, or if they do it is silly woman talk and can be safely ignored by Men.

LaContessa that's exactly how it happened.

I'm a mess of nerves and sleep deprivation at the moment. I can't think straight. Some days I wonder whether being a single mum would limit the amount of stress I'm out under but then I remembered how hard and lonely that is. I just can't do anything right.

Oh, Blue it sounds like you're really struggling. Please remember that at least part of that feeling is sleep deprivation and hormones; you CAN do this, honestly. Here are a few suggestions:

Look up a few key phrases/ask your DSD to write some down. These could include 'How are you?', 'I am fine/tired (!)', 'Would you like tea?', 'Please hold the baby' etc. That's so you can recognise her replies and make some remarks yourself.

Use Google translate to look up more complex info like how you like tea 'Blue's tea: milk and 1 sugar; DSD's tea: black etc', then maybe print out and place in the kitchen. In fact, maybe you could write a whole introductory paragraph and run it through Google translate. Include a few sentences per child, such as 'DD wakes up at 7am and eats cornflakes for breakfast. She loves Shopkins. Dbaby wakes up very very early and likes jumping up and down' etc. Might just give your MIL a bit of useful info, and will show willing on your side.

Don't take anything seemingly insulting too seriously; the language barrier plays tricks on us, esp when we're stressed. If in doubt, assume she means well until proved otherwise.

Don't rely on your DH for emotional (or indeed much practical) support; I don't imagine he will give any. It's sometimes easier to cope knowing this up front. If you plan to do all this yourself then you can't be disappointed when he lets you down. Don't bother discussing your plans with him, he will pooh-pooh them as unnecessary - because they would be, for him!! Necessary and helpful for you though.

You can do it, honestly. Good luck

Do you have room for a jigsaw, something for everyone to do without conversation.

I would re-visit your husband's comment to you later when you are feeling stronger. My reply would have been quite rude, but not when I was feeling vulnerable.

Try not to feel invaded, hopefully she will be a nice quiet lady. Do you have some places you can escape to? Make a list of places you can take the baby in a pram, library, costa, shopping center. If you know you have somewhere to go then you might feel a bit better.