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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

383 replies

inabizzlefam · 28/12/2017 00:31

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

OP posts:
Baubletrouble43 · 28/12/2017 10:00

Yadnbu. I dont understand this expectation of grandparents either. Its grabby. I'd rather my retired mother enjoyed her grandchildren when she felt like having them than became "staff".

user9217 · 28/12/2017 10:00

Yanbu. For me, being a single parent, my parents automatically offered and wanted to have DS when I went back to work (3 days per week) but then I managed to sort out all tax credits and managed to send DS to Nursery 2days per week and they were actually a bit gutted I was 'taking 2 days a week with my DS away from them'!! Grin but I Defo did not expect it and was/an extremely grateful they help out. When my and my mum go out shopping/for lunch etc I always treat her as she is massively helping me out it's Just courteous. But your child(ren) should be under no circumstances expecting you just to do it!

popcorntime1 · 28/12/2017 10:02

Perhaps because my parents are immigrants I have different views. I only had 1 grandparent & would see her maybe 3 times a year. My mum didn’t work but my granny helped during school holidays. I absolutely loved spending time with her.

perpetuallybewildered · 28/12/2017 10:03

RestingGrinchFace
I find it odd that grandparents, who are in good health, have no other responsibilities etc. Wouldn't provide full time childcare. My father was horrified by the idea that I might put my children in a nursery. I just do see why, if you have the time, you would want to spend it any other way.

Have you given any thought to whether grandparents may have any long held dreams of how to spend their time in retirement? Perhaps extended travel or just impromptu holidays, days out or theatre visits all of which would be curtailed by full time childminding.

I’m a grandparent who lovingly and willingly spends four days a week looking after my DCs’ children but it does have an impact on the rest of our lives. We aren’t able to take holidays in term time, we are exhausted at the end of each day so couldn’t think about going out and really need a day to recover at the end of the week. Weekends are spent dealing with our own household stuff as well as visiting aging parents. I know my DC appreciate our help but I’m not sure that they fully understand the effort it takes.

We are rewarded by having very close relationships with all of our grandchildren so we will continue to look after them for as long as we are able.

Thefirstjedi · 28/12/2017 10:04

RidingWindhorses I agree, but she feels guilty.

Ketzele · 28/12/2017 10:04

I wrote a long and impassioned post and then the cat sat on my laptop and deleted the whole lot with his furry arse. Angry

Anyway, the gist of it was about the gender politics here. Other posters have commented that men rarely get expected to provide free childcare (sometimes they do, but I have yet to encounter an expectation that they will). I want posters to think about the interplay of sexism and ageism here, and the massive social expectation that women will provide free labour to care for both grandchildren and older relatives. I want to spit when (male) politicians and journalists opine about our uncaring society - when was the last time you heard of a successful man giving up his career to care for elderly parents, or for grandchildren? Never, that's when.

Most of my friends (I'm in my 50s) are either caring for dc or dgc as well as working to put food on the table. Their careers have definitely paid the price, and if you look at the gender pay gap stats you will see that it is midlife and older women who are worst affected. They have little leisure time, and little disposable income. When I was younger I never imagined how it would feel to be caring for young children with arthritis and the menopause. I am strung out and exhausted with constantly meeting everyone's needs. The poor quality and high cost of both childcare and social care - and the lack of specialist provision to meet my younger dd's needs - mean I have no choice but to flog myself round the clock. I am the sole earner and have a pathetic pension so this is not changing anytime soon.

I'm not saying this to garner sympathy (though I could do without being told I am a baby boomer who has had a cushy life - it's been many fine things, but never cushy) but because I really want younger women to understand what is ahead for them. I think it's human nature to be kind of in denial about the fact that we will grow old - old is always other people - but this is a huge and neglected feminist issue. The trouble is that once you are that arthritic older woman struggling to care for two generations while keeping food on the table, you're too knackered to fight for change! Intergenerational solidarity needs to go both ways.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/12/2017 10:04

I'm still interested how the hypothetical 'if they marry and have kids' suddenly became 'i'm expected to start providing full time childcare as of next week'.

popcorntime1 · 28/12/2017 10:05

perpetuallybewildered

See I think you do too much. Could you cut back to 2 days? My mum does 1 day & holidays during term time. We just pay for an extra day with the childminder.

Babbitywabbit · 28/12/2017 10:07

Good posts ketze and headofthehive

It’s a pointless exercise to try to ‘tot’ up which generation has had it ‘easiest’ ... there are too many variables and also we can’t always see the pressures and
Parameters that existed for previous generations

As I said, I’m in the age bracket where dh and I could become grandparents soon, but that doesn’t mean we had it easy. We were on the housing ladder but paying ludicrously high proportions of our incomes on mortgage rates. When I had dc1 I had to return to work when she was 12 weeks, because maternity legislation was nowhere near as generous as now.

It might be easy to look at my own parents generation as ‘having it easy’ ... after all, they bought a house in the south east back in the days when they cost literally a couple of thousand pounds, and then my mum was a SAHM completely for about 15 years and eventually did a very part time job once my younger sister started secondary school. So, in some ways, none of the pressure of juggling work and children. Do I envy them? No. My mum never had a career (and there were no day nurseries back then anyway) Although returning to work for me was tough with a 12 week baby, it’s also enabled me to have a fulfilling work life my own mother could only have dreamed of.
Also, although my mother didn’t have to work, my parents rarely went abroad, ate out, visited the theatre or had many of the cultural experiences that dh and I (and our children) have benefited from.

And that’s just measuring the tangible things.... there’s also the fact that raising children in my parents’ generation often meant taking on very demarcated roles. Dh has been a much more hands on Dad and emotionally engaged with our kids, probably mainly because we’ve always viewed ourselves as equal earners/ careers/homemakers

I wouldn’t want to swap my life for my mothers, even if on the face of it, She seemed to have the easier deal, because What we are on the surface doesn’t tell the whole story

Originalfoogirl · 28/12/2017 10:07

Why does this generation automatically assume that they can have a baby then bugger off back to work
“They” don’t. YOUR children do this, and it’s your own fault for raising them to believe this.

Maybe because the generation before them enjoyed a multitude of advantages then pulled the ladder up behind them and then have the audacity to call them entitled?
This. It pisses me off the older generations can’t see their part in this.

See, I don't understand why people have children that they don't want to bring up themselves
Oh do fuck off. Presumably you live with your children entirely self sufficient on a remote island and need nothing from anybody? If not, do us all a favour and run off there.

popcorntime1 · 28/12/2017 10:09

Headofthehive55

True but as a general trend houses are more unaffordable these days.

MaisyPops · 28/12/2017 10:09

Love the idea on this thread that having grandparents help with childcare is a sign of people having children they don't want to raise/bring up/care for. Hmm

Obviously, paying for childcare would be infinitely more raising them/bringing them up/caring for them. Or do the people using the silly 'why have children you don't want to raise' line still think one parent should be at home like the good old days?

Having childcare of any variation is not a sign of someone not wanting to raise their children.

Make whatever decisions are right for each family, but spare us the silly sanctimonious judgements over 'eeeeh these young people just want someone else to raise their children'.

gamerwidow · 28/12/2017 10:12

Not every baby boomer has had it easy. My DM struggled for years as a single parent after my dad left her for another woman and then when she did find happiness again with my stepdad he died leaving her a widow in her 40s. She’s struggled as a HCA on her own again to pay her rent and look after me and DSIS as teenagers before being forced to retire early after two bouts of cancer and a brain aneurysm. Damn right she’s earned her right to have a rest.

FitBitFanClub · 28/12/2017 10:13

It seems highly likely to me that you have all written the next Daily Mail article for some lazy fucker "journalist."
The OP makes no sense - no one in their right minds has a baby and then, with a week to go, 'drops hints' about expecting childcare. Neither would it be the Grandparent's responsibility to make sure she was put straight. Free childcare is not a given. Finding a nursery or childminder (months ago!) was the job of the child's parents.

I call bullshit.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 28/12/2017 10:14

I don’t judge anybody for using childcare.

I judge people who expect their parents to give up their later life to do so. If it’s a discussion between adults and everybody is happy that’s great.

I will not be providing any childcare when my children are older. I will babysit now and again, if there’s a major emergency and I can help I will. I won’t hobble my life though, because it doesn’t just consist of children.

Headofthehive55 · 28/12/2017 10:15

Only in some areas popcirn

Theclockstruck2 · 28/12/2017 10:15

My mother in law fully expected to do my childcare and was very annoyed when I quit work to be with them myself! My own mother said the same as the OP when I was a teen and she still works anyway...

MaisyPops · 28/12/2017 10:18

I judge people whoexpecttheir parents to give up their later life to do so
Then they are a CF for expecting it.

It doesn't justify some of the ridiculously judgey comments on here about people having children they can't be bothered to parent.

RidingWindhorses · 28/12/2017 10:19

But you can see how caring for ones own parents can be difficult as an indirect result of a gp not helping out

Nope. I understand people have to move for work.

In your friend's case it's nice her mum has taken an interest - some people cba with really young children and that's fair enough. She could potentially move near her DD if she wanted to be more involved. But if she doesn't, DD isn't obliged to travel to see her all the time as it's a long way. In the long run when she needs care herself she will probably have to move.

popcorntime1 · 28/12/2017 10:20

For those who are able but don’t want to provide care are you expecting much help in your old age? Not trying to be goady just a genuine question. Obviously women are becoming mothers later & many are juggling working with small kids so I’m not sure how they fit in caring for the elderly.

popcorntime1 · 28/12/2017 10:26

RidingWindhorses

My friend moved to be closer to inlaws as they have provided childcare & then got a new job. Her mother doesn’t drive anymore & tbh I can’t see her moving until it’s too late. She thinks it’s unfair that she doesn’t see her daughter & gcs weekly.

bluesky45 · 28/12/2017 10:27

My mum said this. I was totally fine with it. Now my child is here, she has completely changed her mind! I'm not back at work yet and don't intend to go back full time but she has said when I do decide to go back, she will look after my child quite happily. She is besotted! But as I said, she had told us no child care, just occasional baby sitting, and we were happy with that. So no, yanbu.

Evilstepmum01 · 28/12/2017 10:29

Yanbu! When my narc twin had her son, she fully expected our family to care for him. Mum took a month off her work to help, including taking the baby up to her work to bfeed him. Mum had to work so told her she'd have to pay for care. Twin was raging, couldn't understand why mum couldn't do it. She fell out with mum and to this day, still hates her.
Twin then went thru various friends for childcare, falling out with nearly all of them until she ended up with dad and I. My spare room became nephew's room for the many times he stayed over, my dad and I sharing his care until he started nursery.
Entitled fucker my twin.
Fast forward to my son being born, twin has met him 5 times. She ignored his first birthday, I let that slide. When she ignored his 2cnd birthday I lost my shit and went nc.
Her entitled attitude still gobsmacks us.
Mum apologised several times, she had a mortgage and bills to pay. This is not good enough, mum should have wanted to care for her grandson.
Anyway op, yadnbu, my son had a childminder and I don't expect my parents to care for him.

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/12/2017 10:30

Yanbu! My two don’t want children though that could change! Me early 40s and eldest 24 so it could happen! I however don’t have time etc to take care of dgc , in an emergency I would or for the odd night out but I enjoy clubbing etc myself and sometimes with my dc!

mammmamia · 28/12/2017 10:30

Where is the Op?

The daily mail can fuck off with its poisonous, free loading, crappy "journalism".