To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

[inabizzlefam]

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

She thinks it’s unfair that she doesn’t see her daughter & gcs weekly

Old people do get unreasonable and demanding. My aged aunt thinks it's unfair that my my cousins and I do not regularly drive 2 hours each way to see her in the country. It's just not possible at the regularity she expects. For one of my cousins it's 4 hours each way.

Your friend's mum will either have to move or be moved or go into a home eventually.

YANBU, it's your life to live as you choose and your children will do the same.

These posts make me feel so sad and signals the loss of community and family values. I'm British but with a Mediterranean background. In my family, we all help each other however it's needed. My parents have helped with childcare and now they're getting older I am helping them. There's no question of resentment andcits done with a sense of duty and love. This is how families operate in many other parts of the world and something I really feel is lacking here in the UK. However there needs to be some sort of compromise. My mum would spend the whole summer abroad back in her home country so I would make alternative arrangements then. It's never taken for granted and always reciprocated with gratitude.

Not every baby boomer has had it easy
Those in the same situation as your mum, but in this generation, will generally find it harder than she did. And they will be working longer with less of a state pension.

It’s not about all individuals being well off, it is about how each group compares with the other.

The op hasn't been back since a pp pointed out she'd cocked up her story.

At the moment dd is on maternity leave. Sometime prior to her getting pregnant we had a general discussion about childcare if she had a baby. I knew that if we didn't help it would be a long time until they could have children so I agreed that if and when they had children I would happily do two days childcare a week. My dgc is now 5 months and dd will be back at work in September (she is a teacher) and I am looking forward to having my dgc.

Part of the reason was that I had dd when I was 40 and I felt that if we were ever likely to have gc we wanted them sooner rather than later so that we could enjoy our time with them. There was no assumption that we would give childcare but we offered.

^Oy, if you all want to contribute to Daily Heil articles, then at least get paid for it"

ketzele
I agree with you. It's a feminist issue.
Why should we lament about the older woman not caring enough to give up her career - of course she shouldn't!
It's ageist.

I’m totally with you on this, I’ve already had this discussion with my Dd that if and when she has children I will not do full time childcare so she can go back to work, I’ve explained that I don’t mind if she needs the odd day so she can go out with her partner or friend or emergency childcare but not on a regular basis.

I’ve done it for another family member a while ago and it’s so tiring now I’m getting older, I do think childcare should be factored in when thinking about having children and not just assumed grandparent are going to do it. My Dd understands as she saw the toll it took on me when I did it previously.

Hang on a minute. She's been dropping hints about what time she'll be dropping off dc NEXT MONTH?! That's a week ish away depending on when her school starts back. Is she pulling your leg or are you actually going to be looking after her baby? Why on earth haven't you said no? Ring her now and ask what's going on. Explain that you do not want to look after dc except for emergencies. Say you'll look after them until she can find alternative childcare and give a month maximum to do so. You're being a push over. You can't just blame your daughter as you haven't said NO!

And I don't like you generalising that people of her/my generation expect free childcare from parents. My daughter is at nursery and I never asked my dad or my pil for help. MIL covered the occasional sick day though, which is great of her. My friends mostly have a relative that does one or two days a week, but only if they offered it.

There have been stories dripped elsewhere throughout the year about wonderful grandparents who give up their careers to look after grandchildren for their grateful offspring.

Maybe I'm being cynical, but this fits with the number of childminders and settings going out of business.
I've thought for a while that the plan is to have all 2+ year olds in school-based nurseries and younger children at home or with grandparents.
According to Nick Clegg, Paul Dacre thinks young children should be at home and David Cameron deferred to him:
http://www.bassetlawlibdems.org.uk/latest-news/thousands-of-disadvantaged-two-year-olds-miss-out-on-free-childcare-places/

I think more and more grandparents are going to be facing this dilemma.

God no, YANBU. You’ve done your bit and have earned your retirement/holidays/leisure time. You can still be a caring and supportive grandparent when the time comes but giving up your own life to provide daycare is a decision for you, not others, to make.

I don’t think it’s helpful to compare the benefits of one generation against another to try and guilt trip OP into providing childcare either. We may have paid less for our houses but some of us remember 15% mortgage interest rates, massively escalating house prices followed by years of negative equity and to cap it all, huge and unexpected endowment mortgage shortfalls. Plus in my day your childcare options were nanny, au pair or childminder. Nurseries not a widespread thing back then.

Have the conversation now in a lighthearted way whilst it’s still just a hypothetical proposition. Or ask them how they are planning to return the favour when you need looking after yourself.

I think if Grandparents can do one or two days a week great but we never expected it. My parents looked after my eldest one day a week but when my second came along I stopped Work as she has a disability. My parents are in there 70s and find the kids quite tiring. They’re not the most active so running after kids is exhausting. I find it interesting how parents complain they’re tired but can’t see how their parents being much older wouldn’t be tired. My friend took out a loan for a loft conversion which she admits they didn’t need and to buy a new car. She’s had to go back to work and sadly her Mum who is late 70s now does all school drop offs and pick ups and most of the time looks exhausted. My mum said as well she felt some kids would hold it against their parents if they didn’t help. I haven’t expected it. I ask my parents to cover the odd pick up as I have lots of appointments as my youngest also has a disability. Working now isn’t an option as two with disabilities childcare would be difficult for them.

I will hopefully only be in my 50s when I have GC (if I get any of course) so I would be very happy to reduce my hours to care for them 2 days a week. Can't imagine doing it if I were in my 60s or 70s though. DS is an only which probably makes a difference as I won't have spent decades caring for young children already.

Originalfoogirl not sure that’s true a single parent on benefits in a Council house today would be better off then my mum was as a single parent in a Council house 30 years ago (which is a good thing!)
I think the situation for those at the very bottom has improved in the last 30 years (but this I think is going to change). It’s the situation for those in the middle that’s got massively worse especially in terms of accommodation costs.

I would never expect the GPs to provide free childcare! I love seeing my nephew with my dad and I can’t wait to see him with mine (fingers crossed). But his ‘job’ is being granddad, not a free childcare provider. Anyway, nurseries are good for children! Why would you not want that as your first option?

OP I think you should put your foot down what is the point of being forced to do this if it makes you unhappy. Speak to your daughter and tell her no.

cakedup In other parts of the world women do not work till their late 60's full time or beyond.
I am mid 50s. When I was young grandmothers often did help with grandchildren. But they were very rarely working full time and were usually still pretty young. They were typically about my age. If I wasn't working, yes I would be quite happy to do this. As it is I am working full time. Many of us still have mortgages or rent to pay.

YANBU OP. I'm about to have my first and wouldn't dream of expecting either my parents or in-laws to look after the baby. It's our choice to have it and we'll provide the childcare it needs either ourselves or by paying a professional.

I wouldn't dream of asking parents/inlaws for childcare, they have had their children. I don't work so I can look after my own kids and I accept we'll have less money because of that. If a grandparent really wanted to do it and asked then that's fine.

I worked with a woman who did all the wrap around childcare for here daughter. She worked 30 hours a week, did wrap around childcare, worked evenings to make up hours, and often did childcare at weekends as well. She was 70 and had very little time to herself. She had only just stopped going on holiday with her daughter, as every holiday she spent looking after her grandkids, and she said she wanted an actual holiday for a change. Her daughter was taking the piss.

Yanbu!!

YANBU. Bit if your dd goes back to work in January then she should surely have childcare sorted by now! Also these should be clear conversations that have been had by now? Surely.

If you've made you feelings clear on it, as it sounds you have, then when your dd comments what time she's dropping the child off you need to be clear that you are not providing childcare. Polite enquiries as to what childminders or nursery your dd is dropping the child at maybe.
Sounds like you need to be even clearer now!

I’ve never heard of anyone expecting free childcare. Hinting and expecting are different things. Just say no OP, it’s not hard.

All you have to do is say what’s happening with LO when you go back to work? Weird that you haven’t had that conversation already tbh?