To tell my DCs "Don't even think about it"?

[inabizzlefam]

My Dcs seem to be under the impression that when they marry and have children, i'm going to provide them, as a "loving grandparent", with free childcare whilst they go to work.
AIBU in telling them that, whilst I have no problem with babysitting if they want to go out for an evening, they will have to get a full time childminder or Nanny in order to pursue their careers?

My mum refused for me but is practically the house keeper at my sisters (she’s saved her at least £150,000 in childcare as well as saving her job). Which has put a strain on us. So be fair between siblings.

I think it’s a massive ask and tie, especially long term. But I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. I’ve seen some grandparents really love it, great bonds for the grand children and it’s lovely. I’ve also seen it go the other way, complete piss taken out of grandparent.

if you could do a day here or there, the sick days or the last minute ones you’ll make such a difference and you never know you might enjoy it.

Just be honest and up front, I’m not doing x but I will do y. If she’s going back in January and thinks your looking after her baby that’s not a lot of time to sort anything else out. There’s an expectation because you’ve not said no.

So, what should she stop doing?

All of the childcare.

My MIL did do childcare for us, but on very strict conditions - it was one child for two days a week, no more. And if she fancied a week or two off (happened a couple of times a year) there was to be no moaning, we would have to find alternative care. Also, no vomiting children under any circumstances.

She ended up having each children (3 of them) for a while, one at a time, until hthey went to Preschool. We found a childminder b

childminder that was happy to have extra days so we could cover her when she wanted time off. Luckily as it happens as she got called for jury service and served for 7 weeks!

I have told my dc that if or when they have children I won't be childcare for them. I brought them up and enjoyed it a lot but feel like that stage in my life is over and tbh I feel too old and too tired to be running round after small children.
Added to which there are 16 years between my oldest and my youngest and if I did it for one of the dc I would unquestionably have to do it for all five I could be providing childcare for the rest of my life
I'd obviously help out in an emergency and I'd be happy to to have the gc to allow the dc to go out or to have the gc for sleepovers etc but regular childcare is something I won't be doing.
My df currently wrangles her dgc five days a week, she is knackered, stressed and at times looks ill looking after 3 under 3 from 7.30 til 6.30 daily. The eldest starts nursery half days in September which should ease things but dm is planning a second so df will gain another baby and that pattern will most likely continue as her other dc add to their families.

I think there is an expectation. As the younger generation find it normal to continue with careers, supported by older GP whose women often didn't have the same chances as their daughters did.
I'm from the generation that girls were not encouraged to go to uni particularly as it was expected that they would marry and leave work to raise a family.

However I did manage a career and having put it in hold whilst I brought up my own I'm not looking after GC - I'd like to further my career goals.

I wonder if people are going to expect their DC to care for them in their old age, or weekly visits for an afternoon in the care Home? Guess they'll be too busy trying to enjoy their lives when their kids are at school and flying the nest, won't want to be lumbered with OAPs to care for...

Lots of the posts on here feel very divisive. Just goes to show why our culture is the way it is eg. I hate my MIL/my DIL isn't good enough for DS, and not family oriented like in East Asia/China.

I do feel itchy with this idea that my generation owe stuff to the next generation, because we had it so easy. I completely accept that young people are getting shafted in many ways, and we should all be angry about it (as am I, because after all this is about my children), but some people seem to lose sight of the way that poverty and inequality works within generations, too. After all, children of baby boomers who have done very well, have already benefitted and will continue to do so (inheriting valuable houses etc). Children of baby boomers who didn't do so well (hell yes, they exist) are stuffed.

My dm and I are both baby boomers. She grew up poor, was a single parent to three, raised us on benefits in a council flat with no inside toilet or hot water. That is as much a typical baby boomer story as is the parents who had a free university education, bought a ramshackle house in Islington and are now cruising round the Med. I did benefit from a free university education (first in my family to do so) but only got on the housing ladder in my 40s, don't have a good pension, will be working till I'm nearly 70 just like the younger generation. My children have a much cushier life than I had at their age, and I'm bemused at the idea that I will owe it to them to 'pay forward' any more than any other parent at any time.

Just remember that socio-economic status trumps everything else when it comes to life chances. It gets kind of strange when we talk about poor older people somehow having one over middle class youth.

I look after my parents in old age and I don't have kids. I'm gobsmacked that anyone would link that care to GPs providing childcare.

Really, gobsmacked? Of course there are different circumstances & reasons why gp can’t help with gc’s but I don’t understand why a retired, fit & healthy pair of gps would not want to help a bit eg 1 day or holidays or for emergencies.

90% of my friends have help, granted some take the piss. However one friend moved to be close to her inlaws as they were super keen to help (could only have 1DC) & they have a great relationship. Her own mother had no interest despite living close by. Now 3 years later my friends mother wants to help (as increasingly her own friends are busy with their gc) & she’s feeling very lonely. But my friend lives a 6 hour round trip away & just cannot be there every weekend. Tit for tat is wrong but caring for parents also depends upon circumstances.

The only reason houses we nt up in value was because more women worked and could afford more.
If people stopped affording them, they would drop.

My granddaughter will be fifteen when I get to to retire so it is not a conversation my daughter and I have ever needed to have. I wouldn't have done it for more than a day a week however as were I retired, I would hope I would be busy with fun stuff after a life of rearing my own children pretty single handed and juggling work and nurseries.

I think some people are really thinking that those of us with young kids in the eighties and nineties had an easy ride with work, childcare and mortgages. We certainly did not. No breakfast and after school clubs, no tax credits, high mortgage rates and negative equity, employers very intolerant of sick child problems, no parental leave. It is still difficult and expensive to be a working parent but GPS providing childcare is a gift to a parent not a right.

I am late 20s with a 2 year old and number 2 on the way. Never have we ever expected parents to do childcare. We have a childminder 4 days a week whilst we both work and I have one day off at home.
My dad is about to retire (early) and my Mum is self employed so they could easily have our children if they wanted. But I would never ask them, it would have to come from them and so far they haven't suggested it. That's fine with us, being a grandparent is a different role to a parent and they don't need to have the responsibility of childcare - they've done their time with me and my brother! Being a grandparent is a joy to them and they happily babysit and take our DD out, and have her for sleepovers every now and then. But it should always be a pleasure for them to have our children with them and I'd hate it to ever be a chore. They absolutely adore my DD and love getting to know her. I'd never expect them to step into childcare outside of the boundaries they want. They delight in being grandparents and we always appreciate the babysitting so we can go out and have child free nights!

YANBU and I say that as someone about to go back to work after maternity leave who is about to benefit from both sets of grandparents doing 3 days of childcare between them.

This wasn't expected by us and was actively pushed by the Grandparents. We have twins so without this support it would be very difficult to justify my husband returning to work (I am the higher earner).

We have been very clear that our parents are to continue to holiday whenever they want, we will take holiday from work to cover. If our parents struggle covering 3 days we will see if nursery will take the babies for a third day so they only have to cover one day per week each and if that becomes too much we will again work it out.

Our children, our responsibility. Though the childcare is very much appreciated.

I do think it would be a good idea to be upfront with your kids that you won't be providing childcare though, as it removes any hope or ambiguity and allows them to factor it in to any decision making.

ketze
I agree. People forget that our standard of living was much lower. I remember ice on the inside of the windows and the talk was of inside toilets not iPhones.
Perhaps irs time for the gp to reap something too? The girls who had to give up their careers as no nurseries existed somehow get to give them up a second time?
Why is my DD career more important than my career?

Yes house prices were cheaper, but 15% interest rate!
Same cost really.

Really, gobsmacked? Of course there are different circumstances & reasons why gp can’t help with gc’s but I don’t understand why a retired, fit & healthy pair of gps would not want to help a bit eg 1 day or holidays or for emergencies

Yes, gobsmacked.

Helping out a bit is fine - if they want to - it is not the same as being expected to provide childcare. One day a week is too much to expect. But if they offer and actively want to, that's a different matter.

Many GPs aren't fit and healthy. But even if they are their childrearing days are done.

I think it’s disingenuous when posters say YANBU but they are getting help.

In my view help is invaluable, we have all had help with deposits & childcare & no question that has vastly improved the quality of our lives & enabled us to keep our careers.

The only reason houses we nt up in value was because more women worked and could afford more.

Not true at all. It's partly easy credit, easy to get mortgages (which are much harder to get in other European countries and much more strictly controlled), partly pressure on housing in a small island. Particularly in the SE. Many other economic factors are involved.

RidingWindhorses But you can see how caring for ones own parents can be difficult as an indirect result of a gp not helping out? Eg like where my friend has moved away.

tbh I think it’s more of a relationship thing anyway how often you see & care for your parents.

Yes house prices were cheaper, but 15% interest rate!
Same cost really.

Parents house cost 60k in the 80s & sold for 1.9m last year so yes totes the same.

Yes house prices were cheaper, but 15% interest rate!
Same cost really.

Parents house cost 60k in the 80s & sold for 1.9m last year so yes totes the same.

So it's moved on from 'when they marry and have children' to your DD telling you she'll be dropping her child with you when she returns to work in a few days time? Your kids are quick workers!

Saying there is an expectation from this generation is a generalisation. I don't expect this at all and have not planned for my DM or MIL to help with the childcare of their GC at all.TBH, I would prefer that they didn't, as I'm not sure how reliable or consistant they can be. However, it's worth noting that both sets of mothers benefitted from regular childcare from their own parents, so every generation has taken advantage of free childcare

I didn't get help. My mum had a job.

Having had a period in negative equity cased by demand dropping as people were out of work I think house prices are aligned to demand.

I remember the days of short time working, town halls displaying the unemployment rate on the building outside, the news giving a countdown of job losses that week in the local area.

The eighties 90s were not such a golden time.

Depends on area I think popcorn
Here, the house prices have trebled, but interest rates are less than a third.