To think I'm an auntie?

[Meowstro]

If I'm married to your DB, surely I'm your DC's auntie? I find it rude that I'm referred to by my first name, for example, "Meowstro'sDN, pass that to Meowstro please." My DC is an infant and as a sign of respect, I even refer to close friends as auntie so surely if I'm married into a family that makes me worthy of an auntie status? I'm a good one too, I'm always asking about their DC, buying thoughtful gifts but always offer to look after them although unfortunately haven't had the opportunity to.

AIBU?

Dd has 5 aunts/uncles - two of those are by marriage. But they are as much her auntie and uncle as the direct ones.

Likewise I have one nephew via my sister and two nieces via DH's brother. All refer to me as auntie and dh as uncle and we love them all equally.

Growing up I called my parents siblings and their spouses auntie and uncle - we didn't differentiate by marriage. Now I'm an adult I don't use the auntie/uncle part and just use their names, other than for much older relatives.

I've never called friends auntie/uncle and neither has Dd. Dd just used their names. With unknown adults such as her school friends parents we told her to use Mr/Mrs/Miss or whatever unless they told her otherwise. Dh did use to call a couple of his parents close friends that though.

Meowstro, your latest post - and re-reading your first one - makes me think that your husband has already made your case to his sister, possibly several times. She's declined firmly and your husband has soft-soaped it so as not to hurt you by saying that it's 'hard to break a habit'.

I think the problem is your SIL. It's petty of her to be like this. I was gong to say that she's following formal guidance (because you're not legally these children's aunt, sorry), but if she's conferring that honorary title onto friends then she's just being a dick. I don't know what you do about that really?

You do sound a very lovely person and you obviously have a great relationship with these children who are lucky to have you in their lives.

I was thinking about what I would do in your position and this is it... I would think up a nickname for myself that the children could use, ((I'm rubbish at suggestions but say, "Meow" or "Mimi" (from your username), a shortening of whatever your real name is "JuJu" for Julia or Joanne or Jenny, etc. just examples obviously!)) and when it sticks, make it clear that it's for the children to use. "I'm Meowstro, SIL...". No need to make a 'thing' of it but just pointed enough to put your petty SIL in her place and re-stake your claim in the family.

Get your husband on side whatever you decide to do, would also be my advice.

Is having a title really that important? Our niece and nephew call me Auntie Pax. That's fine with me. But now I'm in my late 40s it makes me feel incredibly old and middle aged. I'd prefer it if they just called me by my Christian name, so just 'Pax'.
Also my cousins don't call me Cousin Pax, it's just 'Pax' (and the other way around).

That's also a great idea, Lying. I know it's a title which is why I'll focus on just being there for their DC and not the formal name for my role in the family.

It's something I've never taken much notice of until I had our little one, so I don't recall when this started as I'm sure I remember them referring me as Auntie Meowstro to their DC when they were infants. It just seems there's so much effort being put into not calling me it. I don't think DH noticed before but after we talked, he hammed it up with referring to me as Auntie Meowstro and calling them auntie and uncle - even though they aren't married.

Unfortunately last year was quite crap and when a family member was ill, DH spoke to this family member and they said I shouldn't be around to help with their family situation as only family should be there. It was a hard time for everyone so I said I got it to DH as it wasn't the right time to pick that up with DH but it's the strangest family set up I know, my dysfunctional family accept people in with open arms. I've not done a single thing to anyone and always offer help, an open mind and really listen to when they want to talk.

My husband’s niece and nephew just call me by my first name, but to be fair i’ve Only been in their lives for 4 years and I don’t really mind as we don’t have that sort of relationship.

My children call my siblings ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’ though.

In my head I’m not an aunt to anyone until my siblings have their own children.

My dad is married. My dad is my children's grandad but his wife IS NOT their nan! My children have plenty of family and they don't need a gold digger taking a title aswell as all my dads money.
As you can tell, I don't like her.
Does your brothers wife dislike you?

My children call their aunties and uncles by their first names. Just happened naturally. I'm also called by my first name by my nieces and nephews. We are just a relaxed family and formal titles just don't sound right to us I suppose. I never called my aunts and uncles 'Auntie (name) and uncle (name)'. In my family that would be odd and too formal. These things differ between families I suppose. No problem with that.

Unless it's just specifically you being left out in which case I'd assume the sister has a problem with you.

YABVVU. It is not for you to decide if you are a childs aunt, it is for the child, and their parents.

My brothers wife is my childrens aunt. My husbands brothers wife is not. That is because the former loves them and takes an interest in them and they love her, and the latter does none of those things and they don't like her.

They are both the same relation to my children but only one is considered to be an Aunt.

@Namechanger2735 Were your DC born before they married? In my case their children were born after DH and I married.

This is DH's sibling, not mine but doesn't directly treat me badly or speak to me badly to give me that impression although has form for holding grudges. I'm sure if they didn't like me I'd never never know apart from small things like this?

I hear you, Meowstro, I think that most families are dysfunctional really, it's just the range and depth that varies. They can be so secretive too and insular from other family members, it's risible really.

I know my family is definitely on the functional(ish)-in-spite-of-itself side; we just muddle along. :)

YANBU, if you're married to the uncle then that makes you the aunty, even unmarried if it's a long term relationship. And don't blame you for being a bit miffed, I love being called aunty Natsku by my nephews and nieces.

For DD though, practically everyone is aunt or uncle. Drunk man on the street? Oh look, it's a drunken uncle. Woman working in a shop? It's a shop-aunty Unless they're really old, then they become a grandma or grandpa.

What has being married got to do with anything anyway?

@CurryWorst aunt definition:
noun: aunt; plural noun: aunts
the sister of one's father or mother or the wife of one's uncle.
^That's what it has to do with it. If someone isn't married they're not usually considered part of the family yet and often people don't give you a family title if that's the case but it isn't in mine and it's not something I go along with either.

As a parent, I do understand it is a parent's prerogative, however, I do think that if you call everyone else by a family title and not one person that it might send a message that perhaps you do not like them to your children?

Thinking about it, I have an uncle I love, was never encouraged to call him uncle as a child despite him being in a very, very LTR with my uncle. My mother never encouraged it but I can only guess it was because they were gay, she's not homophobic in general but I don't think she acknowledged their relationship as a good as being in a marriage (still thinks everyone with children should marry or end game in any relationship is is marriage). Now, I have to correct myself endlessly as it's my uncle and I love him very much, I also adored him growing up. This also happened when my other uncle remarried, my DF still very much thought first wife fit in better, despite new one being great too and never encouraged me to call her my aunt. I think, yes, it is right to let a child decide who they like (their DC are attached to me when I see them, by the way) but don't assume that they will just call them aunt/auntie X if they want to. It is extremely hard and I have to correct myself now when I talk to my child about them.

However, I think it does clear up the fact there is some backstory as to why I'm not being called their aunt but don't want to get hung up on that forever and let it get in the way of the my relationship with their DC or my child's with their cousins.

They were born first yes, I suppose that does make a difference. Have you asked her why this is??

If someone isn't married they're not usually considered part of the family yet

Maybe in your family, but mine don't decide family feeling based on a white frock and a bit of paper . Neither do most others.

I'm sure you are an Aunt, but we tend to use first names anyway.

You are an Aunt. You are also being unreasonable about getting wound up over a token mark of 'respect'-they don't call you auntie-so what? You need to find something more interesting to worry about.

Yes you are but in I call aunts and uncles by first name only as do my children with mine and dh siblings. Sil children call dh uncle but I'm not auntie Trev they just call me by my first name as it's quite long (4 syllables) so too much for them to say and I find it a bit much

I was brought up to call adult family friends Uncle/Aunty.

It was very odd to find my DH wasn't an Uncle - enforced by my parent, though they enforce me and siblings being uncle aunts to their GC.

It's become very clear over the years that the just don’t see DH as part of the family. They do same with siblings DP.

IL are same with me though after 25 years and a stubborn refusal to be pushed out of my children's lives to suit them and regularly seeing them MIL has recently started to see me differently.

Nowt as queer as folk.

Though in most families I know you’d be call an Aunt as that is what you are.

Why must OP 'find something more interesting to worry about', Resting? OP is interested in this particular issue and, if you've read all of her posts, you'd see the unfairness.

I think some people saying why the fuss about a title are missing the point that OP's SIL actively encourages her children to use other relatives titles and even extend them to family friends but excludes OP and I can see why that would be hurtful. My nephew is an important part of my life so I would be sad if his parents didn't acknowledge our family relationship. And he's my BIL's son, the wife of an uncle is also considered an aunt.

Depends on the family. In my family, the only people who aren't called by their names are mum, dad, granny and grandpa. Everyone else is known by their first name to children. In DH's family, everyone is auntie this and uncle that.

I think I find this less of an issue as I was witness to a far worse situation where SMIL has her grandchildren believe DH was just FIL’s friend rather than his DS until the eldest “found out the secret” when he was about 10 (also when DH and I found out it WAS a secret). MIL talked about it fondly like telling someone he had just found out about Santa. Dick. DH was at school when they married and grandchildren came alone 8 years later...

CurryWorst, no, it's not how it works in my family, it does in my DH's and a few others I know, they're just temporary until married. Outdated and wrong but some families do work like that still. Anyone would think you're my DH's sibling the way you're vying for a disagreement