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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm an auntie?

178 replies

Meowstro · 27/12/2017 20:33

If I'm married to your DB, surely I'm your DC's auntie? I find it rude that I'm referred to by my first name, for example, "Meowstro'sDN, pass that to Meowstro please." My DC is an infant and as a sign of respect, I even refer to close friends as auntie so surely if I'm married into a family that makes me worthy of an auntie status? I'm a good one too, I'm always asking about their DC, buying thoughtful gifts but always offer to look after them although unfortunately haven't had the opportunity to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 27/12/2017 21:46

An aunty is an old lady knitting, possibly somewhere northern.

I am definitely not an aunty of any kind. Nor is anyone in my family from any generation.

I’m .

MadisonAvenue · 27/12/2017 21:46

Lying it means "too long, didn't read"

champagneplanet · 27/12/2017 21:47

YANBU

We refer to BILs partner as Auntie. They're not married but they have been engaged since forever and have two DCs. I'm her DCs Auntie and she I'd my DCs Auntie. She's a good one too. I'd feel rude not acknowledging her to be honest.

I also refer to my godmother as Auntie, and my DCs godmothers too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 21:47

Thanks Madison, I'd been pondering that for some time now. Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 21:48

and Meadow :)

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2017 21:49

Yes, you are auntie. I'd ask her why she doesn't use the title. But be prepared for something you may not wish to hear.

Chienrouge "I still don't get why being called auntie is a sign of respect

Me either. I can love and respect someone perfectly well without calling them an arbitrary title."

It's cultural. Like being called by your full name by someone rather than your first name. Its not "arbitrary" in England because it is usually used for women your parents are directly related to as siblings, people who are married to those siblings or to family friends. In some cultures it may be used for any older female.

In countries like China the term older brother, older sister, younger sister or younger brother may be used for people who are the age those people would be if in your family.

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2017 21:49

DH and I don't make a distinction between his DN and mine. There are 5 DN on his side and 4 on mine and we're uncle and auntie to all of them. But then, we've been together for 15 years so longer than most of them have been alive. DH's oldest 2 nephews were aged 2 and 1 then so they can't remember me not being there.

The exception is my DSis's DSS, now 20, who was 9 when she married his dad. He calls us by our first names, but he's often not been around when we've visited as he was with his mum. We understand it though we treat him the same as my DSis's 3 children. My DSis has always been keen for us to treat him as a nephew and we've done that, but understandably it's not the same; he calls her by her first name after all.

I don't really worry about what they call me, I love them and my DDs are close to their cousins and that's what really matters.

Angstyfish123 · 27/12/2017 21:50

My dn's by marriage call me Auntie, as I was married to their biological uncle before they were born.
My DC call their biological uncle's fiancee by her first name as she's come along since the children were speaking and using familial terms. If they want to call her Auntie X then I have no problem with that!

Chardonnaymoi · 27/12/2017 21:51

I would absolutely consider you their Auntie (especially as you are being so thoughtful and generous to them) Lucky children.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 21:52

www.genetic-genealogy.co.uk - non-genetic relationships

This is saying nephew/niece-in law

So my husband's relationship to my nephew is nephew-in-law.

Only applies at marriage apparently. Reading it now, I had no idea.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2017 21:53

TatianaLarina "An aunty/Auntie is an old lady knitting, possibly somewhere northern."

I am [insert my name] too but I am also proud to be an auntie to my lovely nephews. They may not feel the need to use the title auntie now, and that doesn't bother me, but being an aunt is a 'role' in life like any other, it doesn't exclude you from being other things as well.

ToastyFingers · 27/12/2017 21:54

In my family, you only really get called auntie/uncle if you were together before the child in question was born.

No-one conciously decided this, but thinking about it, the only aunts/uncles who arent blood relatives, who are referred to as such, are the ones who have been on the scene since before i can remember.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2017 21:54

Oooh sorry I inserted aunty/Auntie into your quote, I meant aunty....

ConciseandNice · 27/12/2017 21:55

Well, you are an auntie, but why get offended? Some families don't say 'Auntie X' or 'Uncle X', they just use the first name. I don't think it is in any way diminishing your status or being overly informal. They are just brought up differently to you!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 22:00

What happens though if the marriage (not OP's specifically, but any) breaks down. The husband with nephew/niece will ALWAYS be their uncle but what about a former spouse? They wouldn't still have nephew-in-law/niece-in-law relationships would they? Or would they?

This is interesting.

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/12/2017 22:04

I mentioned it to DH and he said it was possibly hard to get into the habit

He knows his sister is being an arse but just doesn't want to 'get involved' (i.e wants a 'peaceful' life) Hmm

Why don't you start 'correcting' her everytime she does this?
Tell the child "it's auntie Meowstro"
Face her bullshit head on - don't allow the fuckers to get away with it!

RavingRoo · 27/12/2017 22:07

I agree you should correct it as and when it happens. When she refers to you by first name, correct her and say actually it’s auntie. She will hopefully be shamed everytime it happens.

leccybill · 27/12/2017 22:10

This is where mumsnet weirds me out with its middle-classness.
My mum is one of 6 and dad one of 11, so I have lots of aunties and uncles and cousins which was lovely growing up. It's a very common, and endearing term in my family.
It's been passed down to our DD who happily calls her relatives auntie Name and uncle Name. I think it's lovely.
No fuddy-duddy, knitting Northern (!) aunties here - DD looks up to her cool auntie (SIL who buys her trendy things) and I like to think I'm a cool auntie to my nieces who love to come round for sleepovers.

RhodaBorrocks · 27/12/2017 22:10

You are definitely their auntie! When we knew my DSis was going to go the distance with her boyfriend I transitioned to referring to "Uncle John" rather than just John (not his real name). Theyre engaged now and DS is well used to referring to him as Uncle now.

My cousin wants her DC to call me and DSis Auntie and BIL-to-be Uncle, but her DH is rather resistant to it and keeps using our first names. But he's the only one who does that and the rest of the family goes by my cousin's lead. My cousin's DC have plenty of aunties and uncles on their Dad's side but my cousin is an only child so I think that's why she wants us referred to that way.

leccybill · 27/12/2017 22:12

I write on birthday cards and Christmas gift tags 'love from auntie Leccy and uncle Leccy'sDP' and buy cards with 'to a lovely auntie' on.
Auntie and proud here!

RavingRoo · 27/12/2017 22:12

I agree leccy. People often don’t refer to aunts and uncles as such as a sign of disrespect. By allowing it, or thinking it’s cool, people are just being mugs.

SockUnicorn · 27/12/2017 22:15

OP im not saying the children dislike YOU in particular here. I know nothing about you or your relationship with them. Just as a broad term as there does not seem to be a reason for this behaviour.

Face her bullshit head on - don't allow the fuckers to get away with it!

Its up to "the fuckers" what their children call you. They're THEIR children. Not yours. Its not up to you to dictate your own title. if they trust and like you im sure you would be Auntie. For some reason you are not. I agree with asking why and maybe telling their mother it hurts you, but its not up to you to dictate what their child calls you. Maybe their child doesn't feel comfortable with you. To me "auntie" is a trusting and loving term. Youre safe with an Auntie. I would hate to think my child was forced to call someone Auntie who they had private issues with just because its expected. Im sure, if there are no reasons, the mother will be mortified she has overlooked this and would rectify it. However its HER choice and not yours. So going in all guns blazing and informing THE CHILD to call you it would be wrong. Its their parents decison.

Wanderlust1984 · 27/12/2017 22:15

I've never referred to aunts and uncles by 'ain't and 'uncle', nor do my nieces and nephews with me... each to their own though and rules should apply to you also!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 22:17

I don't think it's anybody trying to be disrespectful, it's a legal term that's been adopted into everyday vernacular but that doesn't make it correct or legal, just in everyday use.

My nephew and niece still call my husband 'Uncle his name'. I don't refer to myself to my husband's nephew and nieces as 'auntie' though because I'm not. I'm just 'Lying' and that's what I'd prefer.

I don't think it's ok to try to force a mum to adopt an 'Auntie' moniker if she doesn't want to though - her child, her rules. I hear that loud and clear on MN all the time. It's not on to try to overrule that imo.

SockUnicorn · 27/12/2017 22:18

for the record my DC call all my siblings and their partners/spouses auntie or uncle. I would just think that the fact they turn down your babysitting and dont call you auntie, there is an issue with the parents and not the child. therefore cruel to approach or reprimand the child over it and also not your place to dictate how their little family unit does things.