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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:
DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 27/12/2017 18:45

and yes, he might have seemed ungrateful and spoilt, but if he his those things it's down to his upbringing. Acting in such a spiteful way isn't going to help his character any.

MyPuppyIsADick · 27/12/2017 18:46

I imagine OP thought her DS would be grateful for his ‘token’ presents and the car would be a lovely surprise when it arrived later - not expecting him to throw a massive tantrum and ruin Christmas. Why are some posters defending an adult man swearing at his mother because he thought she didn’t buy him a CAR ffs Hmm

Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2017 18:48

The car wasn’t dangled purely so op you could take it away. Ds didn’t even come down and behave graciously when it was delivered.

JediStoleMyBike · 27/12/2017 18:48

I don't think anyone thinks it's as simple as a strop about a car.

AaronPurrSir · 27/12/2017 18:48

The amount of people defending the adult son’s frankly disgusting behaviour is making me fear for the boys they are raising themselves. Our daughters don’t stand a chance against spoilt brat men and their mothers who defend their appalling behaviour.

Touchmybum · 27/12/2017 18:49

You both fucked up. Just sort it out.

BuzzKillington · 27/12/2017 18:50

All sound very dysfunctional.

clippityclock · 27/12/2017 18:52

I'd have done the same OP. He sounds very entitled about the car. I probably would have cancelled it prior to it arriving at the house though.

Maelstrop · 27/12/2017 18:52

Does he have anger management problems? I’m appalled that you promised something which didn’t materialise but even more appalled that the entitled little swine started swearing at you and squaring up to your partner, unless you were winding him up. Did he ask about the car and you refused to confirm/deny that he was getting one? Still, no excuse for him to be verbally aggressive.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 27/12/2017 18:53

Why the fuck should she of told him on Xmas day the car was coming. Not once has op said she told him he'd get a car for Xmas. She said she'd help if he passed his test. He just presumed he's get one Xmas and then acted like a complete twat when he didn't. He wasn't promised or hinted to about getting a car for Xmas. Op hasn't once said that. So how is she manipulative?

Also he got a bloody all saints leather jacket! He should of been very bloody grateful to get such an expensive gift.

Mossend · 27/12/2017 18:54

Can I ask why you posted in AIBU? You answered you felt your actions were justified so that is all that really matters.

NewPapaGuinea · 27/12/2017 18:55

I find it a bit weird that you kept up the charade of not getting him a car despite the obvious tension and fallout it was causing. His reaction was immature, but he must have thought without a doubt you were getting him a car and you reigned on that promise.

AlexaDoTheDishes · 27/12/2017 18:55

I'd have done exactly the same as you OP.

A swearing, violent 23 year old does not get given a car for Christmas.

You did the right thing. What an embarrassment he is/was

Unfinishedkitchen · 27/12/2017 19:00

I seriously hope my DD does not end up with one of the sons of so many women on this thread. In the eyes of some, a man can never be at fault for his behaviour. He’s a a 23 year old man. You do not swear and kick off at mummy because you were expecting a bigger present. That’s insane. If he’d clocked she’d bought him a car and was all over social media bragging only to be disappointed having lost face that’s his issue. He doesn’t get to take it out on mummy because it didn’t arrive when he expected.

If my DD were to end up with a 23 year old boyfriend who was abusive to her because she didn’t get him what he expected I’d pull her aside and tell her to start running and not look back.

M00nUnit · 27/12/2017 19:01

YANBU OP but I think you made this thread a but confusing by starting it off by saying you only gave him a "token" gift on Xmas day. Why would you say that when you actually gave him a really expensive leather jacket? He had no justification for behaving the way he did and I don't blame you for not letting him have the car. He's a 23 year old man FFS!

coalit · 27/12/2017 19:06

He may have behaved very differently if you had treated him like an adult, discussed money and made a joint decision about which car would suit him.

You treated him like a child and he responded like a child.

SukiTheDog · 27/12/2017 19:06

No. You did a very bad thing, OP.

PaintingByNumbers · 27/12/2017 19:08

I doubt most of us have raised boys who would behave like that, as we have not raised them by using gifts to manipulate.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 19:09

I would like to ask the OP:

  • What happened to make your son think that he would be receiving a car for Christmas?
  • What happened to make your son behave so badly about a present (and stocking) that was anything but 'token'?
  • Why - if you extended yourself so much for the car - did you bother with a 'token' present at all?
  • Where does your partner fit into all this? Was he silent until your son started swearing at you?

.
It's really a catalogue of errors that have made something which should have been pleasurable, just not.

As suggested by pp, wrapped car keys or a photo of the car would have done the job if you intended to give him a car this Christmas. The delay from the garage wouldn't have mattered, I'm sure.

I'm sorry that your surprise has been ruined.

ittakes2 · 27/12/2017 19:16

I think you need to take some responsibility for this situation going wrong. You told your son if he passed his test you might get him a car. So there is no way this car was a complete surprise. Sounds like he’s been waiting patiently for months on the hope that you would buy him a car - and so I’m not surprised he’s assumed Christmas time would be a good time for him to get a car. You’ve made him a semi-promise and you have not clarified what’s happening. He’s reacted because he’s had this build up and he’s disappointed. You cancelling the car was a massive over reaction. For goodness sake sit down like adults and sort things out.

youarenotkiddingme · 27/12/2017 19:18

Hang a minute Shock

He got given a leather jacket and then started being abusive and refusing dinner etc. At some point during this time Op was expected to placate this GROWN UP MAN by telling him she had bought him a car - the coveted gift.
And because she didn't and he was verbally abusive to her and physically intimidating to her DP so was sent outside its the Ops fault for not telling him he had a car.
Then when the car arrives and he doesn't even come and check it's his or say thanks it's the OPs fault for feeling taken for granted and sending it back?

I'm not sayings ending it back wasn't out of spite but surely her behaviour was a reaction to her DS' not the cause.

I despair at MN sometimes. The number of posts saying to understand and accept shorty behaviour.

It's possible to be empathetic without accepting abuse.

LolitaLempicka · 27/12/2017 19:26

It all sounds way over the top. I get it that you wanted to see his reaction, but you didn't get the present in time. I think you got too caught up in that perfect response so you completely overreacted when his response was all wrong. We bought my daughter a car and I spent ages wrapping up "clues" that would all lead to the big reveal of a shiny new car with a big bow on the drive. As it turned out my fool of a husband accidentally text her a photo of the new car well before christmas day and the surprise was ruined. But we all laughed, because so fucking what that the reveal wasn't perfect

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 27/12/2017 19:29

If my eldest son had sworn at me on Christmas day at 23, he'd have got fuck all.

Faking · 27/12/2017 19:29

OP, the swearing and what-not is absolutely not on. And as a consequence, he certainly does not deserve the car. But, let's rewind a bit. Did your son have an incline that he was having a car delivered Christmas/boxing day? If not, why not?

It sounds like you deliberately wound him up (by omission) and then when he acted up, you took back the present. Did you want him to beg for it? Did you want him to drop hints all day for it?

What is it that you wanted him to do? How did you want him to behave? Did you want him to think that the 'token' present was all that you'd got him. If so, why? Does he get on with your partner? Were you and your partner silently winding him up?

Like I said, the swearing should have halted any promise of a car. He should not speak to his mother like that. But, you'd never even told him on Christmas day that you'd bought him one Confused

5BlueHydrangea · 27/12/2017 19:40

He does sound spoilt. My Dd is a similar age and I think I would have sent it back too if she behaved like that! You can understand a young child being a bit grumpy if they didn't get the things they wanted but a man of 23?? No, not acceptable.