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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:

foodfrax · 27/12/2017 20:52

He’s 23. He needs to grow up and move out.

BusyBeez99 · 27/12/2017 20:53

What a nasty piece of work you are OP. GLAD you aren't my parent

passmethewineplease · 27/12/2017 20:56

Have I walked in to some parallel universe?! A 23 year old adult swears at his mother and squares up to another family member because they didn't get the present they hoped for?!

Madness.

Honestly my 8 year old doesn't act like this.

He sounds an immature, ungrateful spoilt brat.

Poor baby not getting a car. and just an expensive designer jacket.

Only on MN.

Fanciedachange17 · 27/12/2017 21:01

A contract? One which can be cancelled? So you haven't bought a car but leased one? Once you've signed I didn't think you could send it back unless of course you lose the deposit.
You can't drive it without insurance and you can't tax it without insurance and a current MoT certificate.

You've had a pasting on here OP. I can see both sides and neither are particularly edifying. Your 23 year old behaved very badly and shows no maturity at all, just a selfish entitled attitude along with aggression. I wouldn't have felt like giving him a present either but then I wouldn't have strung it out with him clearly expecting a car (you say this is why he was upset) as you'd promised earlier in the year. I'd have made sure it was ready Christmas Day or preferably I'd have given him a toy one and taken him to choose his own after Christmas with all the relevant paperwork sorted that day.

It's rather soured the whole experience now. I'm not sure how best for you two to work it out but certainly a lot of thought and honest talking (without swearing and fighting) is needed.

wrenika · 27/12/2017 21:05

You treated him like a child, then you're surprised when he acted like one? Remember, you raised this young man, so you don't have to look far to see why he acts like he does.

I agree that he shouldn't expect a car for his christmas, no matter what has been said, but it sounds like you've made this about you rather than him and dangling something in front of him then sending it back is the utmost petty, childish, dickheaded thing to do to anyone.

FilledSoda · 27/12/2017 21:07

Is it possible to lease a second hand car ?

Deemail · 27/12/2017 21:07

Of course the adult sons behaviour was unacceptable, no doubt about it. But it's glaringly obvious where he gets his sense of entitlement and control from.
Who would call a leather all saints jacket a token present and not even put enough value on a stocking load of gifts to even mention them?
We see it on here all the time where posters parents/in-laws try to control them via material gifts with conditions attached. That's what the op was doing.

Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 21:08

I'm glad you didn't give him the Car... don't go back on it OP..

ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 21:10

Have I walked in to some parallel universe?!

It’s not just you.

This thread should have come with a trigger warning. It appears to have unleashed the ghost of Christmas Past in most some posters and regressed them back to Xmas 1989.

Thank God the thread will be getting pulled soon.

Rossigigi · 27/12/2017 21:13

If you've strung him along with the promise of a carbon wonder he was upset when it was not mentioned.

I'd never dream of doing something like that to my ds's.

Lashalicious · 27/12/2017 21:22

Agree with passmethewine it is quite the alternate universe here wowza.

Op is a “nasty piece of work”? And all these other really awful projectile missiles thrown at the op. Defending her son who acted the way he did. There’s no justification for doing that, in fact it shows his true character and it shows he needs to work on himself to become a gentleman, a person with a little grace, and learn how to “act like somebody” which is what we were told growing up when we needed to hear it.

A few years ago I was waiting to pull out of our street. A car was going by and I thought it was going straight past but it actually turned in to my street. They didn’t have their turn signal on and it was going fast, every indication it was passing by, so when it had almost passed my street I began to pull out a little. The car suddenly swerved around to turn into my street. They honked their horn. I put down my window and called out sheepishly that I was very sorry. Well, there was a guy driving, and I guess it was his girlfriend or wife in the passenger seat who had honked the horn. She jumped out of the car, and started screaming curses at me, totally out of proportion to what happened which was pretty much nothing and the case could be made that they are the ones who should have apologized. But anyway, again, I apologized to her. Her boyfriend/husband was appalled at what she was doing. He asked me if I was ok. That made her go ballistic and continue screaming vulgar curses. She finally realized what she looked like compared to both of us being calm and got back in the car. The guy looked at me mortified. I thought to myself, she must have been having a very bad day already or else that is her regular pattern of behavior. Whoa. This thread put me in mind of that. Op’s son needs to learn the manners his mother is trying to teach him. I don’t get the posters on here defending him and attacking the op. Twilight Zone!

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/12/2017 21:23

Your behaviour is quite simply appalling. The kind of narcissistic Grand standing worthy of the worst of the 'dead beat dads' found on here.
You wound him up until he popped and then when he 'failed' you took your power away.

I wouldn't be surprised to see him posting on the stately home thread in a couple of days if someone shows the poor guy the way.
I kept scrolling down hoping to see this was in some way 'a joke' or a reverse as couldn't believe a mother would pull such a stunt on their own child.
One word for your behaviour OP . Nasty!

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 27/12/2017 21:24

I think if an All Saints leather jacket is described as a token gift then there is obviously a history of spoiling him which has led to him growing up to display hugely entitled behaviour.

DreamyMcDreamy · 27/12/2017 21:31

Thank God the thread will be getting pulled soon.

Who said the thread would be getting pulled soon? Do they get pulled now if we ask if we're BU,and don't like the majority of the replies?
I've read the whole thread, and sorry, but OP does come across as a bit nasty.
Plus,it sounds like we're missing a huge bit of background. Why was OP's ds "squaring up?" You don't go from being disappointed to squaring up from nothing.
He didn't come straight down the stairs when the present delivered? Well,he wouldn't, would he,as he didn't know it was his!
So why take it back on the back of not being grateful? For all he knew he didn't have one because as far as you'd made out, he wasn;'t getting one.
Sounds like a load of mind games on your part.

TheFairyCaravan · 27/12/2017 21:34

He’s 23 and he threw his toys out of the pram because he didn’t get what he expected for Christmas? But it’s the OP who is at fault? I’m in the parallel universe too.

I’ve got a 23 yo,. He wouldn’t dare behave like that. But then he doesn’t expect his arse wiped for him and everything handed to him on a plate. He gets off his backside, works hard, buys his own cars and saves his money.

mummypleeeaaaasseeee · 27/12/2017 21:37

So a grown man throwing a tantrum and swearing at his mother on Christmas Day because he didn't get a car is perfectly normal and acceptable???

I learn something new everyday

Insomnibrat · 27/12/2017 21:57

YOU caused this OP. You've been manipulative, controlling, self absorbed and cruel.

Your Son behaved appallingly too but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

midnightmisssuki · 27/12/2017 21:57

wow - only on MN do you get people siding with a 23-year old man-child. It must be a full-moon or something - its like ive stepped into a parallel universe. Did someone also suggest counselling for the op and her son? Good God. The OP is nasty for sending the car back when the man-child threw his toys out of the pram? Some of you must must be on the wine to think this way.

OP - dont give him the car. You'll be rewarding him for awful behaviour.

olebiscuitbarrel · 27/12/2017 22:33

What’s so wrong/abusive/controlling about wanting to see the look of joy on a loved one’s face when you’ve gone to a lot of trouble & expense to get them just what they wanted?

His behaviour was terrible. I don’t know if I would have sent the car back but I would have given him a strong talking to about his bad attitude before giving him the keys, Xmas Day or no Xmas Day.

So sorry OP, it sounds like he’s ended up a spoiled brat. With my judgemental hat on, I suspect you may have over-compensated for splitting up with his dad.

I would be letting him know how let down I felt by his behaviour. He ought to have come running with his tail between his legs as soon as he saw the car & said “sorry mum, I was just really upset as I got the impression I was getting a car. Thank you so much”.

Maybe you could have dropped a better hint, but flipping heck, that’s absolutely no way for a 23 year old to treat his mum. xx

Binkybix · 27/12/2017 22:34

WTF?! I can’t really see what you did wrong. A 23 year old man thought you might get him a car for Xmas and was disappointed that he only got a £££££ leather jacket, so it’s ok for him to behave like an utter twat?

This thread is bizarre.

DampF0ggy · 27/12/2017 23:18

So the mother, son and partner all had an unhappy Christmas day. This is not what happens on sweet 16 or MTV cribs. Does your son have plans to move out?

SleepForTheWeek · 27/12/2017 23:29

Not read all the replies - just the first couple pages - but it seems people have completely overlooked the fact that her son is 23!!!!!

Imagine if he had written a thread
'AIBU for being a douche bag and squaring up to my mums partner after only buying me a leather jacket instead of the car I wanted '

I'm sure the responses would be somewhat different!

Raindancer411 · 28/12/2017 02:20

I am with the op on this, as well as the few who see that he really does not deserve it. It appears too many others on here are forgetting he is 23 and she said they would THINK about getting him a car.

I started buying my own stuff at 16 when I got a Saturday job and there are too many young ones who expect everything for doing little or nothing these days

DeepanKrispanEven · 28/12/2017 03:26

I struggle to understand what sort of garage is happy for someone just to cancel the completed purchase of a second hand car after they've done work on it and delivered it. When you add in the expectation that they'll hang on to the car waiting for said purchaser to change her mind again and decide she wants to renew the contract, you have to wonder how the garage stays in business.

Lucylululu · 28/12/2017 04:04

He sounds like an obnoxious little brat.

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