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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:
JohnHunter · 27/12/2017 18:09

@charliebearr There is a lot of drip feeding in this thread but, to be honest, I think there was enough information in the first post to justify sending the car back. It would have been fine for your DS to be disappointed (although he is 23 FFS...!) but any outward show of this was unacceptable.

AdalindSchade · 27/12/2017 18:12

If you normally get on well and this behaviour is out of character I'd be really worried about why he's behaving like that.

KeemaNaan · 27/12/2017 18:19

Christ. MN has actually gone insane. Absolutely insane.

OP, yes sending the car back was probably a bit rash, but you’re son is 23 years old and shouldn’t have spent Xmas day treating you like crap either and I’d have been tempted to do the same.’

I get wanting to see his full reaction. If I’d splashed out on a car, I’d be gutted if the giving was ruined by bad grace. It spoils it and lessens the whole gesture.

Some folks on here need to wander off into the land of grips and get one. Abuse, narcissism, counselling. Fucking hell.

WhoWants2Know · 27/12/2017 18:20

OP, I'm not going to accuse you of being too harsh. From my point of view, if a 23 year old swore at me in my house, losing a car would be way down his list of worries, behind finding a new place to live and someone to collect his gear off the drive.

The staying in his room taking photos instead of deigning to come down and apologise or say thank you would be a nail in the coffin. He's learning how to treat his future partners and children right now and it doesn't look good.

littletinyme1 · 27/12/2017 18:24

You caused the whole sorry drama OP. Beginning to end.

Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2017 18:25

As for all the ‘why didn’t you tell him you got him a car?’ Posts
Because he isn’t a twelve year old who has only recieved a selection pack on Christmas morning, the op shouldn’t need to explain anything. Adults don’t throw strops because they didn’t get what they asked for, no matter how disappointed they are or how much they have told their mates they are getting a car. If he was absolutely certain he was getting a car and had over heard stuff etc then he should/would have held his tongue and assumed a ‘big reveal’ was coming at some point over Xmas, not sulked around like a moody kid.

m0therofdragons · 27/12/2017 18:25

If dh hinted he'd buy me a car for Christmas but then on the day gave me a jacket I think I'd be a bit grumpy and feel disappointed. If everyone else is getting what they wanted it's a massive let down. It was a bad call and a simple wrapped up photo of the car would have solved it. However, ds' behaviour is not acceptable. Speak to each other like adults, you can salvage this and as the parent you need to lead the way.

Motoko · 27/12/2017 18:27

You should have told him Christmas day.

Why did you allow the garage to send the car? And how did he know that that car was his present, and not one belonging to a neighbour or their guest? Was it on your drive? It seems particularly cruel to dangle it in front of his face, and then whip it away.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2017 18:27

Adults don’t throw strops because they didn’t get what they asked for

You clearly haven't read all the threads with grown women complaining they got crap gifts and sulking about it. Christmas, birthday, Mother's Day.." it happens all the time.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2017 18:28

From the OP it sounds like it was sent back not because the son was swearing at the OP but because he didn't give her the fawning reaction she wanted. Otherwise she would have told them to take it back before it was unloaded/delivered.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 18:28

Willow, no, the son's behaviour was horrid. I hadn't seen the OP's follow-up post when I posted, to say that she'd given her son an expensive jacket. That's not a 'token present' in my book and I wonder why she refers to it as such? His ingratitude for that would piss me off.

I don't like the game-playing by the OP. You just don't do that to anybody - or you don't be surprised when it goes 'wrong'. As pp have mentioned, this is modelling some nasty behaviour and I pity any future partners of the son.

This is an odd scenario and I can't see that a joyous 'watch his face' thing is possible now. Confused

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2017 18:29

I'm sitting here thinking to myself that there are 23 year old WOMEN using this site. Many of them are raising children, maintaining relationships, holding down jobs and responsible for rent/mortgage and bills.

If they dared to express dissatisfaction about Xmas, their birthday, Mother's day or any occasion where they might imagine they'd get a gift or a card they are sneerily told to grow up.

Some of these women are living with 23 year old men yet according to some posters that's a "lad" and it seems aggressive behaviour and threats of violence from a disappointed "lad" can be brushed aside or blamed on the person he's upset with.

Even on MN, a site predominantly used by women, it's a mans world.

MsHarry · 27/12/2017 18:29

YABU

DoneAdulting · 27/12/2017 18:31

Fucking hell some posters! The man is TWENTY THREE.

You completely did the right thing OP, YANBU.

Does he know now that you had got him a car and the reason why you sent it back? What's his response to that?

Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2017 18:32

Can’t sleep- amen

SoupDragon · 27/12/2017 18:35

Even on MN, a site predominantly used by women, it's a mans world.

Rubbish. If a woman posted about how her DP had basically promised her X, given her Y and then dangled X in front of her before snatching it away he would be called a cunt.

puglife15 · 27/12/2017 18:37

I think you handled it badly and his behaviour sounds awful. Not sure if it's a sign of a decent relationship tbh, sounds like he is very disrespectful towards you.

Regardless I don't think presents should be used as weapons especially as he knows for certain now that you got a car and sent it back. Very spiteful and not modelling how to behave appropriately.

Nixieplonk · 27/12/2017 18:39

Some of these responses are rather worrying, just another typical example of what, some people are rasing.
I totally agree with, the OP.
Her son sounds like a spoilt brat who quite frankly, does not deserve such an expensive present.
Good for you OP for taking a stand!

MyPuppyIsADick · 27/12/2017 18:41

I don’t understand why some posters don’t understand the OP. It was clear from the first post - DS got a normal amount of presents and went in a strop because he expected a car. How entitled at 23 - I’m 26 and got perfume from my mother and was grateful for it! OP you were right to return the car and can buy it together when he grows up and appreciates the value of things a little more. Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2017 18:41

No, OP has been a manipulative twat, and I expect the partner is part of the problem. It could have been easily solved by OP and partner explaining that the car was coming but later - but they didn't do that, even when the son's confusion and hurt was obvious. Bet the partner was needling the son all day about being 'ungrateful', and revelling in it.

How long's the partner been around, OP? Does he do a lot of willywaving at your adult son?

MyPuppyIsADick · 27/12/2017 18:42

As for manipulative - I made my DH unwrap his presents in a certain order on Xmas day - guess I’m manipulative too Grin

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 27/12/2017 18:42

YABVVU. How cruel. You sound as though you bought the gift purely for an OTT 'we're going to disneyworld!' kind if reaction and have thrown your toys out of the pram in a really awful way when you didn't get what you want. You could have given him a heads up. The gift should have been about his pleasure, not yours to see a reaction. My mum sold my first car when I was 17 (she paid for it and I was paying it back) One argument and she sold it. I have never quite forgiven her and that was over 20 years ago! What ever happened to talking to people?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 18:43

Good questions, SGB

All fuss and drama for absolutely no good reason. Well played that family.

Viviennemary · 27/12/2017 18:43

I think it was a silly and mean way to handle it and it all backfired with him thinking he wasn't getting anything .and getting annoyed. I think in his position I'd have been in a sulk too.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/12/2017 18:45

I think he sounds spoilt. Shock
An expensive leather jacket and loads of other presents plus a car which it seems likely he knew he was getting. He was just grumpy not to get it on Xmas day.

And you're paying the insurance! Which will be a lot for a new driver.

I think he knows full well you won't cancel the car. He knows you'll give it to him. It seems pointless to have messed about with the arrangement.

Doesn't he work? I think he should pay the insurance and upkeep himself.