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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 27/12/2017 19:40

I think you could have given the keys as the present but he didn't know he was getting a car he got other presents he acted like a spoilt brat.
M 12 and 9 year old would not throw a fit over not getting enough toys.

I think you need to work out why hes so spoilt and entitled that he thinks he can swear and be abusive over stuff.

Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 19:41

You treated him like a child and he responded like a child

and thankfully we don't give Children Cars.... Xmas Hmm

AlexaDoTheDishes · 27/12/2017 19:44

Exactly wondering

NotTheFordType · 27/12/2017 19:46

*You had a second hand car delivered to your house
*You cancelled the "contract" - which actually sounds like lease hire, rather than buying a car
*You decided not to give him the car because of his behaviour on Xmas day, but didn't bother ringing the seller to cancel the delivery
*When he didn't bound downstairs wagging his tail like a grateful puppy today, THEN you cancelled the sale
*You didn't have insurance sorted, so he couldn't have driven it straight away (which every new car owner of course wants to do immediately)
*You didn't allow him any choice or preference in choosing his own vehicle, a very important decision for any adult considering the car will presumably be his primary means of transportation
*You presumably paid up front in cash, so will be seeking a refund - good luck with that, "change of mind" isn't covered under the Consumer Rights Act, only the Distance Selling Regulations, which only cover online sales
🤔

ShiftyMcGifty · 27/12/2017 19:53

“Rubbish. If a woman posted about how her DP had basically promised her X, given her Y and then dangled X in front of her before snatching it away he would be called a cunt.”

Except that’s not what happened here at all and you’re rewriting it to fit your imaginary scenario.

This scenario was if a woman posted about how her DP had promised her X, given her Y and then she verbally abused her DP for not giving her X and physically intimidated DP’s mother when she stood up to her and defended her son, and her DP decided not to give her X due to the behaviour.

Would he be told her behaviour is his fault for promising her a car? Like fuck.

ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 19:54

I think the OP is getting an unnecessarily harsh time.

Hope you and your son make it up. Flowers

SunshineTheMonkey · 27/12/2017 19:56

This reply has been deleted

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TenancyTroublesAgain · 27/12/2017 20:00

At first it seemed cruel but he was out of order behaving like that. Especially given his age.

foodfrax · 27/12/2017 20:02

Oh for goodness sake he is twenty-three years old! Presumably OP lets him live in house so she’s doing a lot for him! He needs to grow up. Squaring up to OP’s partner? For goodness sake.

candlefloozy · 27/12/2017 20:02

I don't think you was unreasonable. He was acting like a spoilt brat. You'd got him a lovely gift and I'd have done the same. He's a grown man!

JustVent · 27/12/2017 20:04

I would like to clarify that my son and I have a very very good relationship

Who would do that to their son, let alone one they have (had!) a “very very good relationship” with?!

Fuck me, with mother’s like you, who needs enemies.

Gifts are for giving, why on earth play games with him

Dangle the carrot, take it away. TWICE!!

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 27/12/2017 20:11

YANBU, at all. Love is unconditional but presents aren't. If you act badly, you don't deserve a nice present.

Duckstar · 27/12/2017 20:12

How could you just cancel the contract with a phone call? You’ve purchased/leased a vehicle and the garage just took it back with a phone call saying you’ve changed your mind?

If you’ve leased the vehicle you’d have to put a deposit down and entered into a finance agreement.

onceandneveragain · 27/12/2017 20:15

It's always fascinating when so many posters think the exact opposite from you - and what you realise is normal and usual behaviour is completely different from others.

'Poor lad,'
'He will be shamed by his friends on social media.'
'Similar incident left my relation damaged 30 years later.'

Son is 23! Still living at home, and received an expensive leather jacket plus small presents and moaned and ruined Christmas day because he didn't get a car. 'Squared up' to mum's partner in her own house! wow what a prince!

Just looked on all saints website and their cheapest jacket is £320! That is way more than most 23 year olds get for Christmas, surely? How fucking ungrateful. Why should a spoiled, aggressive, manbaby get a new car off mummy for crimbo?

completely nuts.

bendywindy · 27/12/2017 20:22

how sad that you would leave him to think you'd only given him a token gift. the rest of it is U too (both him and you), but you started it!

sandrapanda · 27/12/2017 20:22

Flipping heck some of the responses on here.

YANBU OP and he should count himself lucky he got to keep jacket after his awful behaviour!

ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 20:30

how sad that you would leave him to think you'd only given him a token gift.

I wish someone would give ME a “token gift” of the sort OP got her son. Hmm

hmmwhatatodo · 27/12/2017 20:32

Do tell us more about the partner.

Ginormoustrawberry · 27/12/2017 20:35

Wow!

There is far too much stupid on this thread!

Has the Christmas sherry been spiked this year?

This is my ‘favourite’

How long's the partner been around, OP? Does he do a lot of willywaving at your adult son?

He asked him to stop swearing at her FFS - how in God’s name did you jump to that conclusion?!

So many of you need a MN break Hmm

ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2017 20:36

It's unlikely to be the first and only time this sort of thing has happened. I wonder if OP always gives 'conditional' gifts of the sort where the recipient doesn't actually get any indication of how they are supposed to behave. I wonder how much OP's partner takes upon himself in terms of either egging on the manipulative behaviour or throwing his weight about WRT how the DS behaves - what, for instance, did he say to the DS that made the DS want to 'square up to' him?

Ginormoustrawberry · 27/12/2017 20:37

RTFT reanimated, he asked him to stop swearing at her!

craigglen · 27/12/2017 20:38

An All Saints leather jacket is a token present 😮

RebelRogue · 27/12/2017 20:41

Ok so to recap

We are talking about a MAN here, not a toddler.
He passed his driving test and wwas told he will get a car AT SOME POINT.

Even if he thought it might be Christmas, there was no certainty of that. Not everyone has the money for a car lying around and it sounds like OP doesn't either,but made an effort.

So, on Christmas morning the MAN wakes up with the expectation for a car(without any concrete promises). Instead he gets an expensive jacket and a full stocking.

As a result, he sulks, refuses to eat xmas dinner with his mother, is aggressive and swears.

It lasts all day , and when the mum's partner tells him to stop swearing he squares up to him.

His mum asks him to ho outside to calm down.

Next morning the MAN offers no apologies. The car arrives and instead of coming down and saying sorry or thank you or any other decent reaction, he still sulks upstairs taking pics of the car.

Yeah fuck that!
OP I wouldn't have given him the car anyways due to his behaviour on as day.
Gifts, especially something like a car, are a privilege not a right.

Flupi · 27/12/2017 20:48

I would have told him about the car. Disappointment can be a big big thing. It’s like a partner pretending to forget your birthday, anniversary etc. and then throwing you a surprise party at the end of the day. You’ve had all day to feel unloved. I loathe that kind of thing. I think you were foolish to not give him the car keys and over the top to send the car back. Impetuous behaviour as bad as your sons. He was badly behaved but your actions won’t encourage good behaviour- quite the opposite. Kindness promotes kindness.

saoirse31 · 27/12/2017 20:51

Obv ur son behaved poorly, but your opening post shows such a strange controlling and infantilising approach to ur son that its hard to see you in a good light op.