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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 27/12/2017 17:20

' His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off'
Are you talking about a cat OP?
I think you have only yourself to blame for this

Marcine · 27/12/2017 17:20

Bizarre responses to you OP! Its as if people think your DS is an 8 year old.

A 23 year old MAN was abusive and aggressive because he didn't get the Christmas present he wanted?
No way would I present a car to someone who was swearing at me!

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:21

Right... Look I have made a mistake and I have come here for an opinion not an absolute roasting! Mumsnet has gotten so so nasty. Give your opinion but, there is absolutely no need for comments about counselling. I am sure if I has asked about this in real life not one person would have been so rude. Everyone is very brave behind a screen.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 27/12/2017 17:21

He behaved really badly. He basically became abusive, had a tantrum and was aggressive because he didn't get the big present he was expecting... little did he know it would arrive the next day. He's a nasty piece of work & showed his true colours. He doesn't deserve a f'ing car. He can buy his own.

Totally agree. He got a nice present; it was more than a token. plus he had other presents and was fussed over. HE was in an abusive, ranting snit because he didn't gasp get a car. And he squared off with your partner when he was asked to stop swearing at you in your own home?

He sounds dreadfully entitled and nasty when he doesn't get what he wants.

Yes, maybe you should have handled it all differently up front, but you didn't forget him on CHristmas. He wasn't neglected. And he behaved hideously.

I don't think you were unreasonable after all that.

MatildaTheCat · 27/12/2017 17:21

The jacket is a good present. But it’s not a car and that’s what he was expecting. In fact, it’s not a token gift at all which probably confused things even more.

Apologise and move on. Hopefully he will also apologise and be suitably grateful for the car.

KitKat1985 · 27/12/2017 17:22

"I pay for the car he gives me whatever he can towards the insurance!"

So hang on, you were also planning on partly paying for the insurance? He is an ADULT. If you buy him a car then that is a very generous gift. But I'd expect any adult to thereafter take over all the running costs for it.

Ruffian · 27/12/2017 17:22

You are fuelling his unacceptable behaviour with your weird pamper/punish infantilising behaviour.

And from my experience trying to give something as big as that as a surprise gift never works - the tension of wanting to see a big reaction makes an anticlimax almost inevitable and then just causes huge resentment.

goldengimbas · 27/12/2017 17:22

If he got the amount of presents he normally would why is the mother being manipulative and deceitful.

Whocansay · 27/12/2017 17:22

Wow. You made your son feel like shit on Christmas Day, because you wanted to see his reaction when he got the car? And even when he was clearly upset, you still said nothing because your feelings were more important than his?

Well done. You have successfully damaged your relationship with your son through your own narcissism.

Spartaca · 27/12/2017 17:22

He doesn't sound like he behaved in any way deserving of a car. He's 23 FFS, not 3.

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 17:22

That’s the kind of thing my parents would have done after massively overreacting and escalating everything in the first place.

I honestly can’t stand them now and am NC. Please try and resolve this with your son. You’ll be the one losing out if you don’t.

goldengimbas · 27/12/2017 17:23

I think Op by saying a token present a lot of us though you got him a bottle of wine or a linx set. A jacket is not a token present

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 27/12/2017 17:24

Yabu
I think you and your son are as bad as each other.
Why couldn't you both just talk about the car delivery being delayed?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2017 17:24

NovemberWitch that, far more succinct than my ramblings.

Then again, I have a 'D'F who played similar games and everyone in the family thinks I have always been an ungrateful bitch. Truth always was that the grand gestures were for his own sake and any deviation from his script led to all sorts of retribution, usually telling people how out of control I was.

OPs own words make it clear that her own behaviour was, in part, the cause of the brouhaha!

Willow2017 · 27/12/2017 17:24

If my son refused to have xmas dinner with us, swore at me and threatened my partner i wouldnt be presenting him with the biggest gift he ever had either.
Why are people excusing his behaviour? He got a very nice present on xmas day plus other gifts and he threw a strop over it and spoiled everyones day. Not the actions of a mature 23yr old.

If this was a dp who threatened op adult son and ruined xmas day for her and her son with his behaviour the replies would have been rather different.

RoseWhiteTips · 27/12/2017 17:24

OP:
He was aggressive to you and swearing st you etc etc. You are quite right not to give him car. Appalling behaviour from an adult.

RoseWhiteTips · 27/12/2017 17:25

...at you...

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2017 17:25

Curious if not defending it's certainly excusing and minimizing his behaviour. Yet posters are tripping over themselves to call her toxic, manipulative and to blame for a mans inability to control his temper!

If it was 23 year old DP there's no fucking way these would be the responses but apparently nobody's little boy is expected to grow up.

MrsDilber · 27/12/2017 17:25

You should've told him Christmas morning, wrapped a car shaped something up and told him his real car was coming.

RoseWhiteTips · 27/12/2017 17:25

...the car...

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 17:25

Your username is a bit of a giveway - Charliebearr - do you buy loads of cuddly toys from that crap couple on QVC?

This is one of the most bizarre things I have ever read on MN Confused

0hT00dles · 27/12/2017 17:26

He’s 23. He is not a child or a teenage. He is an adult. He behaved like a spoilt child.

RoseWhiteTips · 27/12/2017 17:26

And quite why other people here are telling you you are being cruel, I really don’t know. Weird.

DameDoom · 27/12/2017 17:26

She is horrible golden but you reap what you sow. If she carries on like this she won't have a son.
I wonder how much the 'partner' is relevant.

JediStoleMyBike · 27/12/2017 17:27

How long has your partner been in the picture? Does your son get on well with him?