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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:06

Ok - I see I could have went about this in a different way. I should have explained what was going on. I can never afford anything like this again and in a way I wanted to see the initial happiness when it arrived :( I suppose this is what this AIBU is about!

I will go have a chat with him.

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 27/12/2017 17:06

A few drip feeds now......

I don't understand why you didn't tell him yesterday that you'd bought him a car as his main present

FilledSoda · 27/12/2017 17:06

If I were your son i wouldn't want the car now.
It isn't really a gift given in the right spirit and I think you are teasing him really.
Hopefully you putting him out of the house late at night gives him the nudge to find his own place. That's just not nice.

Thedietstartsnow · 27/12/2017 17:07

Op,you caused all this,your poor son..

TrojansAreSmegheads · 27/12/2017 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VimFuego101 · 27/12/2017 17:07

So as far as he knew he got nothing but a token gift for Christmas, since he had no idea the car was coming. I'm not surprised he was upset.

CountdowntoSanta · 27/12/2017 17:07

I get it that he was being aggressive with you partner and that's not acceptable. What I don't get is why you gave him a token present and left him with no Christmas present, kicked him out and then returned the car to the dealer.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding your post. Is it all sorted now?

RitaMills · 27/12/2017 17:08

Surely wrapping a set of car keys and a printed out picture of the car with a delivered on date would’ve had the same effect. I’d have been more surprised that way, taking me outside would give the game away. I do think you could’ve handled it a bit better.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/12/2017 17:08

It sounds all rather unpleasant... Your first mistake was not letting him know that he would see his main present later that day...

I would he a bit hurt if normally they gave me a nice present and then this Christmas, without any context being given a much smaller present..... You're hoping for a car and I'm going to give you a box of roses...

No wonder he felt fed up

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 27/12/2017 17:08

He was childish to sulk.
But I don't understand why you kept quiet about the car on Christmas day. Whilst his strop was rude, why purposefully leave your child feeling disappointed on Christmas day, presumably because you value a big reveal moment over them enjoying their Christmas?
I can't understand either of your behaviour tbh.

NovemberWitch · 27/12/2017 17:08

If you have played headgames with him like this all his life and felt justified, it’s no surprise to me that he’s a moody, explosive mess of an adult. You sound toxic, and you have passed it around.

PavlovianLunge · 27/12/2017 17:09

His behaviour, as you have described it, isn’t acceptable. However, by making the giving of the gift about you (because it had to be as you had envisioned it), you have to take some responsibility for this mess.

I don’t think you want to be told that YABU, and you seem keen to justify your actions, but you have come here for opinions, and mine is that YABU.

InspMorse · 27/12/2017 17:09

He behaved really badly. He basically became abusive, had a tantrum and was aggressive because he didn't get the big present he was expecting... little did he know it would arrive the next day.
He's a nasty piece of work & showed his true colours. He doesn't deserve a f'ing car. He can buy his own.

Andylion · 27/12/2017 17:09

After Christmas morning and the token gift he got increasingly more aggressive, wouldn't eat dinner with us and generally wouldn't speak to me about anything so I didn't get a chance to tell him about his real present and I am for sure not going to tell him about it when he is swearing at me!
But you weren’t going to tell him about the real present, were you? Maybe your DS behaved this way because you dicked him around like this.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2017 17:10

He was told earlier in the year we would think about it and had a fair idea he was going to get a car he just didn't know when. So you did raise his expectations

After Christmas morning and the token gift he got increasingly more aggressive and you did bugger all to explain

wouldn't eat dinner with us and generally wouldn't speak to me about anything I don't really blame him. I can only imagine how he felt, you all happy waiting your progression to Goddess Status

so I didn't get a chance to tell him about his real present But you did. That token present was a wonderful opportunity to drop a big hint

and I am for sure not going to tell him about it when he is swearing at me! Diddums. You spoiled his Christmas, probably made him feel utterly unloved and belittled and why? So you could have your moment?

I'm not saying he acted well, but you're his mum, you knew what was really going on and you chose your own dream of Beatification over his happiness!

That is heartless!

Stoic123 · 27/12/2017 17:10

From small bit of information here - sounds like a dysfunctional relationship between you and your son

LineyRunner · 27/12/2017 17:10

It all sounds bonkers.

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:10

@countdowntosanta I didn't kick him out I asked him to go out to the patio and calm down after he squared up to my partner.

It was just such a horrific day I felt as though the present should be given at another time. He is 23 after all.

The token gift was expensive in itsself and he was fussed over with a lot of other presents. This was an 'extra'. Yes I have called him and asked him to come back from a friends for a chat.

OP posts:
DoculamentDoculament · 27/12/2017 17:10

So you made him think for a year that he'd get a car, come Christmas day you give him a Lynx gift set or something and don't tell him that you have bought him a car?

That's a fucking weird way to behave.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/12/2017 17:10

"I will renew the contract at another point"

I think your son would be wise to turn that offer down, and wait until he can afford his own car.

I think that would be best for you both.
How could he otherwise ever be sure you wouldn't hold the gift against him in the future?
How could you otherwise show him that physical violence towards your partner is not acceptable?

Thedietstartsnow · 27/12/2017 17:10

My inlaws didn't send me a Christmas present this year,but they did everyone else..I was so hurt they had forgotten me,sounds silly but I was hurt...the present turned up the next day,they hadn't forgot ,it was just lost in the house,I expect that's how yr son felt,hurt you hadn't bothered about him..please talk to him and say your sorry and get the car back x

NovemberWitch · 27/12/2017 17:11

Children learn what they live with.

DragonMamma · 27/12/2017 17:11

Bloody hell, YABVU. His behaviour wasn’t great but you have been the master of this situation because you’ve made the whole gift about how you want to feel when you give it.

Out of interest, what was the token gift?

PantPlot · 27/12/2017 17:11

Totally understand you wanting to see his reaction at such a huge present.

But to 'deprive' him first in order to do just that ^^ was never going to end well.

NeverTwerkNaked · 27/12/2017 17:12

You acted really badly, and then punished him for being upset.
You sound really cruel and manipulative.

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