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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:
NewNameWhoDis · 27/12/2017 17:13

Aw that was awful of you OP but glad to see you are off to have a chat with him now. Hopefully he will apologise for being a shit and you can tell him his behaviour towards you and his stepdad will now be tolerated and then draw a line under that and hopefully go get his car back.

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:13

@dragonmamma I got him an All Saints Leather Jacket.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2017 17:13

Oh come on people! The Op didn't cover herself in glory but are we seriously blaming her for a grown mans violence? If a DH didn't get his desired gift would the wife deserve a slap?

I mean ffs there's posters on here complaining that they were barely noticed by their loved ones on Christmas Day and are sneeringly called precious princesses, greedy, grabby, entitled etc for daring to post on an anonymous forum Hmm. Yet a fucking grown man can behave this way and it's his mums fault. Christ, no wonder the Relationships topic is filled with threads from women living with dicks Shock

SauvignonBlanche · 27/12/2017 17:13

I wanted to give the gift with full bells and whistles. The car driven up to the house and his full reaction

Sounds more about how this gift was meant to make you feel rather than him. Xmas Hmm

FrostyThirties0 · 27/12/2017 17:13

If I were him I wouldn’t take a car from you now, knowing every time you had a row you’d send it back.

Horrible mother.

goldengimbas · 27/12/2017 17:14

Wow can't believe people here are defending the son. Yes the OP could have handled it better but he is 23 for gods sake. It's not acceptable to swear and square up to someone when you have not got what you want.

The Op told him he would get a car in the future not def for Christmas. What other presents did you get him Op that might put some preservative on it all

GoReylo · 27/12/2017 17:14

Why are you playing power games on Christmas? It's tedious at the very least. Sorry but I can see where he gets his attitude from. You appear to have a hair trigger temper yourself.

BringMeTea · 27/12/2017 17:14

YANBU. He sounds like a horror.

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:14

Thanks everyone for your opinions (they sting but, is necessary). I think in my initial anger I acted unreasonably. He is on his way home for a cuddle and chat. We have a great relationship & we love each other very much but, Christmas Day was ruined by the way he acted and I just felt like I didn't want to award it.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 27/12/2017 17:15

He's 23 - haven't you seen his little face light up when he's been given a gift before?

Who is to be the registered keeper of the vehicle? Please remember that gifts should come with ribbons, not strings.

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:15

@goldengimbas I bought him an All Saints Leather Jacket he was after as the token... Is that too little?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2017 17:15

draw a line under that and hopefully go get his car back. I very much doubt he would enjoy that at all. Such emotional manipulation is horrible. He can have his car once he has apologised and made Mum feel good about herself again? That would really taint any gift!

Don't be surprised if he chooses to buy himself a push bike! And to move out!

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:16

@knittedfairies It was too be him! I pay for the car he gives me whatever he can towards the insurance!

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2017 17:17

charlie I really wouldn't feel too horrendous, he was fucking well out of order no matter what the perceived provocation.

I think I need an MN break...

DameDoom · 27/12/2017 17:17

Am speechless. Last time I heard of such cruelty was the morning my aunt got my cousin a cocker spaniel pup. She sent it back to the breeders at lunchtime because it weed in the kitchen.

My cousin is 49 and is still scarred.

You need to talk to your son otherwise this will not be resolved.

Your username is a bit of a giveway - Charliebearr - do you buy loads of cuddly toys from that crap couple on QVC? Are you one of those mums who thinks they are lovely but in fact have ruined their child's life by dangling promises and empty gestures?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2017 17:17

Wow can't believe people here are defending the son I'm not sure anyone is. I'm not, no matter how you may read my posts.

But I cannot believe anyone could fail to see the emotional manipulation that led to his behaviour. And we only have OPs own words to go by! Her own words have not served her well!

user1497997754 · 27/12/2017 17:18

That's a good start....Christmas is a very emotional time for everyone...hope you get things sorted....and get the car back for him..you know it's the right thing to do....you acted very immature in sending it back...time for big girl pants prob 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other

Deemail · 27/12/2017 17:18

You sound very very controlling, it's no wonder your son now has issues.
You choose the car and decided how and when it would be revealed to him and the expected behaviour of delight and gratitude he would show you when you unveiled your big surprise. It back fired because you left him sitting on Christmas day with expectations and instead gave him a token present with no explanations or even hints that something else was to come.
It's back fired, you've taken all the good out of it with your behaviour and you've now escalated it by cancelling the contract and having the car removed.
It's pretty clear where your son has learned abusive behaviour from.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 27/12/2017 17:18

Christmas Day was ruined by the way he acted and I just felt like I didn't want to reward it

If you normally have a good relationship think you need to find out if there was something else going on. Even if I was disappointed with my Xmas present I would not behave in this way towards my parent(s)/family. Are you sure there isn't something else wrong in his life eg problems at work?

NovemberWitch · 27/12/2017 17:18

That’s my point, he’s 23 and raised by a manipulative, deceitful mother. How is he supposed to learn how mature adults behave if she is his touchstone? Parents set norms for their children, OP has has a tantrum, shouted, sent him outside (and he went) and no doubt swore.

diddl · 27/12/2017 17:18

So he got the sort/amount of presents that he usually would?

Why was he so pissed off then?

Was there any reason for him to really expect a car on CD?

I'm edging towards thinking that you may have done the right thing.

KitKat1985 · 27/12/2017 17:19

There's some odd dynamics going on here. You're treating him a bit like he's 12, BUT he's also acting like he's 12.

Surely at 23 he can buy his own car? Is he working?

But yes, if he was expecting a car for Christmas and didn't get one, I can see why he was a bit hacked off. You should have explained. And then to send it back when it did arrive was a bit cruel.

goldengimbas · 27/12/2017 17:19

I totally agree with Cantsleepclownswilleatme
If a wife had come on here and said her husband kicked off at her swearing because he did not get what he wanted and hen squared up to a male member of the family she would be told leave the bastard
No wonder so many women are married to dicks if they get away with this kind of behaviour with their parents.
Yes op you horrible horrible mother for not having the car wrapped up in a Huge bow on Christmas morning Hmm.
The op said she would get him a car but did not say it would be for Christmas

TrojansAreSmegheads · 27/12/2017 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClaryFray · 27/12/2017 17:20

The my in your title is very telling Op. it seems all about you. Not your son.

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