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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:
goldengimbas · 27/12/2017 17:27

But she got him the amount of presents she normally would Whocansay. The car was a massive extra. The op has said she would get him a car when he passed his test but not def on Christmas Day. He should have excepted his present with grace and then the other would have been a big surprise
My parents said the same to me that they would get me a car when I passed my test, a passed in early December but did not expect one on the drive for Christmas morning as I am not entitled and know a massive present like that may need some planning and maybe even my input

Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 17:28

I believe you were CORRECT to ask the garage to take the Car back... your Son behaved appallingly on Christmas Day... starts threatening and getting aggressive and you REWARD THIS by changing you mind.....

Bollocks to that..... let him buy his own bloody Car...

Lashalicious · 27/12/2017 17:28

I looked back but didn’t see where son slapped someone? Did he do that or not? Also it seems he cursed too and sulked. Op, there is no justification for him to act like that. Even if you had definitely said he was absolutely getting a car for Christmas and didn’t, it wouldn’t justify him cursing and throwing a fit. Ridiculous. After reading your posts, I can understand your inclination to take away the car. Your son needs to grow up and become a mature young man. Even a 10 year old would know better than to act like that if he didn’t get what he wanted. In fact, I would consider not giving the car still. Let him work and save up his money and get one. If he needs a car for work, then I would have him pay me installments until he’s paid for the car simply because he’s been an over the top brat and needs to learn a lesson now instead of carrying on being a jerk his whole life. There is nothing wrong with giving him a hint about the car but on the other hand there is nothing wrong with not giving a hint and completely surprising him the next day. I can totally understand the steps that you took. Some disappointment is understandable but he proved himself a jerk. It is at these moments that one’s character is revealed. I say let him pay for the car in installments in light of his poor behavior. If he doesn’t want to do that, then send the car back. Better now that he learns than later.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2017 17:28

Why is that relevant Jedi her son is 23 not 3?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 27/12/2017 17:28

Well sulking and swearing age 23 because you didn't get the present you wanted is awful behaviour. But it is you who has raised him to behave that way so Yabu.

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:29

@damedoom Chill out. It's not that serious.

OP posts:
PantPlot · 27/12/2017 17:29

I'm sorry OP, I'm guilty of skim reading- abuse and aggression is never acceptable or excusable.

goldengimbas · 27/12/2017 17:29

Wow can't believe some people say the OPs relationship with her son will be damaged forever as she called him out on his behaviour. And those calling the Op toxic etc
Pity your future daughter in laws if you have sons

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2017 17:30

Curious if not defending it's certainly excusing and minimizing his behaviour. Yet posters are tripping over themselves to call her toxic, manipulative and to blame for a mans inability to control his temper! I think, as someone else has said, OP has posted in a way that sounds as though she infantilises her DS... he is as he has been taught

If it was 23 year old DP there's no fucking way these would be the responses but apparently nobody's little boy is expected to grow up. If mummy won't let him and likes to lay power trips with presents then no... they won't ever grow up!

2 sides to every story and some posters (myself included) have experience with highly manipulative parents... we read such posts through quite a different filter.

Who knows who is right here... not OP or her DS that's for certain.

SandyDenny · 27/12/2017 17:30

I'm feeling stressed just reading your posts OP, I can't give any advice, it sounds like some awful east enders type family.

What do you mean by "squares up", do you mean starting a physical fight? That's not normal behaviour is it?

I assume "lifting" the car means taking back to the garage, is that right? tbh a 23 year old who behaves as you've described doesn't deserve to be given a car, and in what world is an expensive leather jacket a token gift?

Your life sounds like a nightmare to me

ladystarkers · 27/12/2017 17:30

Are you my MIL? You wanted to see his face?!? So it was all about you.

NovemberWitch · 27/12/2017 17:30

He does need to leave home and make more positive relationships with less manipulative and controlling people. All of you who post on threads whinging about DPs who behave like arses, did you never question why they were like that? Did you assume they popped out of the ground as adults, like orcs? .

JediStoleMyBike · 27/12/2017 17:30

I'm not saying the son behaved well but I wonder if the partner getting involved caused more issues.

deadringer · 27/12/2017 17:31

You both sound about 12 years old.

RolfNotRudolf · 27/12/2017 17:31

Your token gift in the opening post turns out to be an expensive (I assume) jacket plus other items a few posts later. And you were able to simply send the car back for a refund, after, I assume it's gone through change of ownership and you've paid up for insurance?
Hmm Hmm

YouBetterWORK · 27/12/2017 17:32

If you wanted the kodak moment of presenting him with the car on Xmas morning you should have got your arse into gear to make sure it would be ready ON Xmas morning. It's a busy time of year in case you hadn't noticed, and I'm sure you wouldn't have been the only person getting their DC a car as a gift!

So far this has all screamed about you. You wanting to see his reaction. Fair enough, it's a big ticket item. But you could have been creative, a few stocking fillers clues... an air freshener, fluffy dice, finally a set of keys with a note to say when car would be ready.

Instead you bollocksed about with a token gift, probably made him feel like shite and rejected, wondering what on earth he had done all day to warrant it. That hurt came out in his behaviour and instead of seeing that and explaining you chucked him out!

And now to top it all off he has seen it, but it's too late. The shine has been taken off because of what happened on Christmas day. So because he didn't bound down the stairs like a puppy to give you your "moment" you've spat your dummy out and taken it back out of, let's face it - spite.

You built up this scenario in your head of the perfect gift giving and because it didn't go according to plan you've only ruined it for yourself. I can only hope while people here have been spelling it out, you've had a calm chat with your son like a grown up, and sorted out getting him his car back which is the least you can do after a headfuck of that magnitude.

Dragongirl10 · 27/12/2017 17:32

OP IMO yanbu.

Whether he was hoping for a car or not he has no right to be rude to you, swear at you, refuse the meal you had cooked or be agressive.

I would have also taken the car back and told him why!

I am shocked by the responses of those who think he still deserved such a generous gift whilst behaving like a nasty spoilt toddler...at 23

Friendsmentalhealth · 27/12/2017 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShiftyMcGifty · 27/12/2017 17:33

I can’t beleive how many people piled on the OP and blamed her for an adult’s offensive and verbally abusive behaviour.

You have a loving relationship and he’s coming home for a cuddle after he swore at you when you didn’t get him what he wanted?

Sounds like he manipulates you well and you in turn so a good job in buying his affection. Now you’ve seen what he’s like when he doesn’t get his way and bunch of internet strangers have managed to convince you it’s your fault he was verbally abusive.

Fucks sake, this place. Hmm

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2017 17:33

Did you assume they popped out of the ground as adults, like orcs? . Grin That! Wonderful!

Lashalicious · 27/12/2017 17:33

There is nothing wrong with op wanting to see her son’s face when he sees the car for the first time ladystarkers

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2017 17:34

There's nothing to suggest that Jedi lets be honest, you're looking for another thing to tell her she was a crap mum about, there's nothing Op can post now that won't be twisted around to demonstrate how toxic she is. It's a mob.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 27/12/2017 17:34

Can't actually believe someone called op manipulative and deceitful.

Wtf is this thread all about. A grown 23 year old man gets an all saints leather jacket which would be bloody hundreds. And because he thought he didn't get a car bought for him by his mummy (I have never had a car bought for me so I should really be allowed to pick off eh) that he didn't even know he was defo going to get. He ruins Xmas day, swearing at his own mum, refusing to eat dinner with them, squaring up to her partner when he defended his mum when he swore at her. People think this is acceptable behaviour from a grown man?

N.a. fuck that op. You don't owe him a car and you don't even owe him a roof over his head at 23 years old if he continues to throw strops and curse and swear and square up to people under your roof.

An all saints leather jacket isn't a token gift either in my book. It's very generous.

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:35

I would just like to clarify that my son & I have a very very good relationship. We are super close and this is the first ever time he has been bought such a luxury present. I have never seen him act like this before and I am always the first to teach my children humility and grace.

Nomatter why he took Christmas Day so badly I still expect my son to treat me with the same respect he would give anyone else and I was especially disappointed he tried to fight with my partner.

I spend a lot of money. I wanted him to soak up the moment and as I have said I cannot justify giving such a present to someone whom at that moment didn't deserve it.

The token present was a very expensive jacket as well as a ton of stuff in a stocking. He wasn't missing anything.

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 27/12/2017 17:35

I wonder if your son had already got wind of a new car coming to the house and had already expected it to be his - insurance documents, overheard phone conversations etc.

However; at 23 he is adult enough to ask you if you were still going to (help) get him a car as promised when he passed his test.

His behaviour was uncalled for, but I can't help but feel if you knew it was definitely coming but would be a bit late, you could have done something to still reveal the massive gift. Even if it was a toy car with a new key ring and insurance docs with his name on them (assuming you were doing insurance initially).

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