Easy way to kill my mother in law and get away with it

[Quickerthanavicar]

Lighthearted obviously, but they are here for two weeks and she's beginning to grate.

Damn i forgot about the pigs & hair!! Bloody fussy bastards

Mushrooms.

Go get some poisonous ones and cook her a nice mushroom meal.

Pick her up the Death Angel and pretend you thought it was another type if questioned.

Plans knitted in the plural and no one wants unwanted Christmas gifts to go to waste.

Hmmm, I'd hit her over the head with a frozen leg of lamb (other cuts of meat are available) and then eat the evidence

Hang in there; it'll all be over soon

Whatever you do you’ve got to do it goood. No half hearted attempts at food poisoning or sprained ankles. All that will happen is she will stay longer and expect you to nurse her. It’s got to be either hospitalisation or death.

Bugger. I've now read the whole thread and somebody's already suggested it. Pffft

Maybe just show her this thread and then she'll just leave? ...

Not everyone likes mushrooms so could be tricky U2. Scratches murderously intentioned head.

Lostin3dspace, I knew there was a use for this present from my sister.

This is a pretty horrible thread........

How about a Zoflora and Lenor Unstoppables cocktail? They are killing all the whales - which are huge - so a MIL should be no problem?

We know MILs have appetites of humming birds and couldn't possibly eat a turkey for 3 but for 10, nor all the chocolates and cheese or drink all the booze. Fact.

They might however suffice with a small, lurid SLS- based cocktail. In a sherry schooner obvs.

I do actually have a carrot sharpener it was obviously by a murderous vegan...

Ah cross posted Lambzig. Perhaps we can have a duel!

Have you ever used yours?

Did you see the OPs lighthearted Bertrand?
Obvs we might get deleted for real, actual moider.

Yeah, “lighthearted”

I remember the girl who used to bully my dd always said “Take a joke, Sally! Take a joke”............

No Not yet, I haven’t until now seen a use for sharp carrots.

In the movie 'Fried Green Tomatoes' a troublesome investigator is killed by restaurant staff and ends up in the restaurant's BBQ. A BBQ that the police officer looking to solve the investigator's disappearance says is the best he's ever had...

Oh God, you poor poor thing. I could not bear anyone in my house for that long. My dear old Mum goes home tomorrow after a 6 day stay. Now that we’ve established I’m a shit cook and my legs should be covered as they’re apparently past their best and my hair’s too long and many many other things which do not meet her standards.... she’s ready to go.

I’m so glad. Frankly, I wish more and more, as the years go by, that I could just huddle up and do bugger all, at Christmas. The whole thing gets on my wick.

Oh so sorry....didn’t help with your dilemma. I watched American Horror Stories recently. A woman gets smacked over the head with a shovel, buried n the garden and nice gazebo is erected over the mound. That might just work?

I'm still baffled at those of you who got bought carrot sharpeners. I mean...other than to stab somebody in the eye, why would you want to sharpen a carrot??? I feel i am missing something ingenious here

Exactly, I was equally baffled. Possibly you are meant to use the pencil shavings rather than the sharp carrot? As you can see, mine is still in the packet.

Puffer fish soup prepared carelessly

What is the frozen leg of lamb story?

Given the number of people who have suggested the frozen lamb trick, I suggest giving that one a swerve as it's clearly too well known...

I suspect my ILS are trying to kill me by keeping the whole house in pitch darkness most of the time. So far I just have a bruised ankle but now the dog has started sleeping at the top of the stairs so I think they've stepped things up a notch...any of that any use to you OP

Does she take certain antidepressants?

Does she like cheese? 😈