Or is a birthday list at John Lewis the done thing for a 6 yr old ?

[katwith3kittens]

I've just been told in the playground that one mummy who is having a joint birthday party with 2 other children has set up an account at john lewis so everyone can contribute to an expensive present for her child instead of bringing a gift on the day.

Not sure what the other 2 mums are going to do now.

Is this acceptable or just plain selfish ?

I'm in a minority here, but I think it's a good idea. A party with 20 or so kids will typically mean 20 small presents.
My SIL wanted a great swing set for her twins, far outside the budget of any one but together we got it and it's given far more to them than 20 sets of little plastic toys.

I will happily chip in for a big present for a family memeber's child or a friend's and have done in the past. I think that's a good idea, but part of the fun of having a party is the crap present you get from your school friends. They always seem to buy something I would never get too, so DD is even happier that she got this amazing craft set or whatever (that I get all fearful of because of the glitter and the mess!!!)

The problem that the pro camp overlook is that this is about what the mother wants. The givers should be able to use their imagination and budget to provide a gift for the child and if it is inappropriate, so be it.

A great lesson in life is that you don't always get what you want and sometimes you get what you don't want but either way, you accept it graciously.

DominiConnor - I think it would be fine to request money from family members, but I would count it as bad manners to make a general request as this woman has done.

My DD wanted an electronic drum kit for christmas (she plays the drums, has lessons etc) which we all thought was a very good present, but also a very expensive present. We explained to her that the only way she would get one is if everyone chipped in and so Father Christmas would only bring her a stocking and nothing else. She said that would be wonderful and on christmas morning she was over the moon (and plays every day, and we can't hear it - fab!!!!). But it was family that chipped in, not school friends.

I agree with speedymama and fortyplus. It's a bit rude to ask school friends.

Yes - ds2 is saving up for an electric guitar so we asked grandparents & aunts & uncles if they wouldn't mind giving money. That's the other thing, isn't it - if the woman had worded the invite in a way that 'If you need an idea for a present then we are hoping to buy X from John Lewis, so we would be happy with a donation instead of a present' then probably no offence would be taken.

I hate the junk present culture. My stepsons have so many parties to go to and so many presents to give that their mother gets the nanny to stock up on wrapped presents and keep them in a present drawer. The boys just help themselves to any old present, having no idea what's inside, when they have a party to go to. This seems to defy the point of presents entirely IMO.

I much prefer any system where junk is reduced and children get something they can really enjoy. I don't have any problem with present lists, as long as present givers are not put under any pressure/obligation to contribute.

Most of our Jewish friends have present lists for their children's Bar Mitzvahs so that the children get something really useful (typically a computer) and no crap.

I cant add anything more than whats been said other than

yes Fortyplus, I think that's my main objection - the assumption!!!!!!!

Anna8888 - but Barmitzvah takes place at 13, doesn't it? That's a world away from a six year old - by the time most children are about 8 they seem to cut down drastically on the number of guests. Mine are boys aged 11 & 13 and for a few years have preferred a 'treat' rather than a party, so we sometimes only have a couple of their best friends giving presents.

I approve of cutting down the 'junk', but it's a great way to introduce the notion of 'recycling' gifts to the charity shop!

As for your step-family's mother getting the nanny to buy & wrap presents - that's OUTRAGEOUS! I always have a small stock of presents, but I ask the boys to choose the gift that they would like to give. Maybe it's easier with boys?

fortyplus - I agree that 13 and 6 are worlds away but personally I like to bring the children up with consistent values right through childhood. So I'm really hard on junk (if the children get really junky presents, they go straight to the recycling bag without passing through their bedrooms ) and waste.

Yes, I think that my stepsons' mother's attitude is outrageous (in every way)... but of course, if it wasn't, my partner wouldn't have divorced her and live with me so I suppose I have to be grateful for it

my son is goin 2 be 7 in june n we asked him wot he'd like for his birthday with reguards 2 a party n pressie n he simply asked if he could go bowlin with his 4 best friends n that would be enough for him so cum june its him n his 4 friends off for bowlin n macdonalds not 2 expensive on us n a full day of fun doin wot he wants for him.

Both mine had bowling parties at about that age - they loved it.

I guess I can see where the mum is coming from. Tom is just 1 and had a party and another influx of toys we have no room for, lol. Or maybe the mum doesn't have alot of money and has been wanting to get a particular toy from John Lewis? Or the boy wants it but it's something she wouldn't buy herself for him IYKWIM.

Joint parties make sense if there are birthdays close together as you'd be fighting over who to invite to the party! Joint pressies for each child would be good, saves having to buy 3 gifts which you would really need to buy the same for each child to avoid any jealousy.

Tom had one of those yapping dog things from a family member. Not something I would have got, but he loves it when it flips itself over. Tom did get a joint gift from 2 of the mums at the party. A ride-on toy, and he had one from myself and DF. Can't even give one to the Grandparents as they got him one for xmas, lol.

My DD went to a party recently where the invite stated that ibstead of a present for the child, could everyone put a contribution in an envelope to go towards buying mosquito nets for third world countries. Another found a charity that buys bikes for underprivelleged (sp?) children. This was a fab idea. I didn't have to think of a suitable not crap present and the children got to learn that it isn't always about them.

On another note though, we do an ELC list for both sets of grandparents as they never know what to get for our 3. Usually it ranges from £3 items upto £20. But that's only for grandparents.

I am quite surprised by the number of people on here being snobby about shopping at John Lewis. They are an excellent company who never knowingly undersell and if you can find the same goods sold at any other department store for cheaper they will refund you the difference and change their prices.

I can't see the problem with a mum saying she wants to get something special for her child and rather than getting lots of useless cheap presents, asking people to contribute to a big present. You have the option to say no if you so choose, or to contribute just a pound. Maybe she can't afford the big present on her own but knows her child wants it. Maybe the big present costs no more than £50 and any contribution is appreciated?

I can't see the big fuss. You always have an option to say no if you don't wish.

Ger yerself to the pound shop love. cheeky cow!!

My dd will be 7 in June but I won't be doing a gift list or anything like it for invitees to her party (something else to think about ). If family members ask then I'll think of something then . Summer birthdays are great though - they get loads of outdoors stuff and lots of it cost virtually nix to buy compared to computer stuff.

Stigaloid - but it's all down to manners... the assumption that you will give something... she should just have worded it differently - the 'if you're stuck for an idea...' etc would actually be a fairly hefty hint and I bet everyone would be pleased to contribute.

She probably says 'toilet'

Message withdrawn

3Cats, that's exactly what DD1 did. She knows how lucky she is, and gets loads of presents from family so decided that the NSPCC would benefit more from her birthday party 'gifts' than she would. She never felt hard done by or saintly. And the collection box was entirely optional and anonymous (we made sure to put that on the invitations). I admit, she was 11 and it might be a bit hard to get a 6 year old to understand the principle of helping others less fortunate than yourself when it is your special day, but I still think a list or a 'present account' is an outrageous idea for a child. Sure, they all do a christmas list, but that's just for family and I make as much effort to ensure that they don't get everything they ask for because I feel it conveys an idea of 'ask and you will receive which sets a precedent for life. However, I am also with Anna8888 on that notion that to give any old crap is OK. A gift should have some thought go into it and be appropriate for the child. A crap present can be cheap or expensive, likewise a good one. You don't have to spend much (or in some cases, anything) to give a good present, so long as it matches the recipient.

£17 a child .

My dd had a sports party last year with 20-odd kids there. I'm sure the whole thing including food (we catered it) and hiring the hall plus sports tutor didn't cost that much.

Yes - I suppose I would always put some thought into a present and get my boys to help choose what they think their friend would like, but they have had some crap over the years! I think 6 would be too young for the 'charity donation' concept.