Or is a birthday list at John Lewis the done thing for a 6 yr old ?

[katwith3kittens]

I've just been told in the playground that one mummy who is having a joint birthday party with 2 other children has set up an account at john lewis so everyone can contribute to an expensive present for her child instead of bringing a gift on the day.

Not sure what the other 2 mums are going to do now.

Is this acceptable or just plain selfish ?

Thats unbelievable!!

[cringe]. I personally think it's bad enough putting wedding list details in with wedding invitations.

Just wrap him up a toaster .

Lay down a nice crate of wine or something - tell the mum he can have it when he's 35 .

mmm a birthday list at John Lewis now theres a thing I never thought I would see mainly because um I never really thought of doing it. Who on earth get a birthday lisr except perhaps Posh n Becks of the Sultan of Brunai?. On saying that my nephew has recently started tae kwan do I suggested to his mum to help her spare some expense she asks family member to get him select pieces of equipment for birthdays n christmas. On looking at the opposition to the birthday list idea I now think maybe this not such a good idea after all.

Hetts that is a reasonable request so don't worry. Most people would like to get a gift that is useful and liked, but money into a JL account is just so...expecting. I tried so hard to think of an appropriate word. What would you call it?
OOh that'll set you all off again- hooray!

I think 'grasping' is the word you are looking for!

Hetts - no problem asking family members to help out with things like that , but setting up a JL account to ask virtual strangers ( how well do you know the parents of the children you invite to parties ) is a bit pretentious.

Could it be this? The john lewis mother marches to the beat of her own drum. Has no inking of usual party dos and don'ts or is she has, doesn't really care. And in some ways, I applaud her for this.

She is not being partiuclary materialistic - in fact the 'expensive' present she has in mind might be one costing all of £10.00. And she is expecting people to give £1.00 or £2.00 each, no more. In fact, this is her way of saying, "look I don't want you to give a present, as I know there are three birthday children and giving presents to all can get really expensive, and leaving out two host children to give to one can seem a bit mean, and well it's all just such a minefield ..."

The last time I looked at a John Lewis toy department, there were lots of pocket money toys, small lego sets, beyblades etc.

She wants to share in this three way party, but feels it is an organisational nightmare when it comes to sharing out presents and guests buying presents. And she would be right about that, no denying it.

So, she has done some lateral thinking and decided to give guests the option of giving money for one big toy, making it (in her opinion) a neater and easier way to give a gift. And it's also a stand against getting needless junk. After all, it is the norm that a guest would bring some gift to a party, however much the host protests.

And perhaps her child, far from relishing the idea of unwrapping surprise gifts, has their heart set on this special toy at John Lewis. Perhaps the mother talked it over, and her child is really keen on this other idea.

And last year, perhaps this same child was not happy (for some reason) with the gift sharing arrangment that took place after the 3 way party. Perhaps the child felt the other two got better gifts than they did, however fair the adults thought the present giving was.

OK a lot of perhapses. My sympathy with the John Lewis mother would instantly go if she had produced an actual present list (very materialistic, that) or has in mind a really expensive toy - and tells people what it is. But AFAIK I don't think she has done either of these things - she wants contributions to a single mystery present which might not be as expensive as people assume.

I hope guests can contribute money anonymously - a bit tacky if it's public knowledge how much each parent put in the pot.

I don't like the idea of present lists for children's parties, but can see there could be mitigating reasons if there are three hosts.

Come back OP tell more! Your story IMO is open to different interpretations.

No I don't think this is acceptable.I would just say that your daughter likes to help to choose her friends presants. I know that is what my children all liked to do at that age, A 6 year old likes getting small gifts from their friends.

tigermoth- nice of you to try and see it from the mums pov, but surely if she was after a £10 present or pocket money toys she wouldn't go to the bother of setting up an account at John Lewis.

I can sort of understand what she's doing from a practical point of view - if everyone gives the £5 that they would have spent anyway, she can get something that will be really appreciated and she won't end up with a pile of unwanted tat.

But what will she say to her child on the day when the other 2 children take all their presents home? 'It's ok, darling you've got nothing now, but we've 100 pounds saved up in an account and we'll go and get you something expensive at the weekend'?. Small kids don't care about stuff like this - they want the joy and excitement on the day. I don't feel it sits right with what a childrens party is all about, and it's sending a materialistic message to kids far too early.

hipmummy, that's a good point about going to the bother of setting up an account, if all she had in mind was a £10.00 or so present. Mind you, I don't know how easy it is to set up an account. Could be very easy,especially if she had a John Lewis account already.

As for the child being upset about not getting presents to unwrap on the day, perhaps the child actually wants money towards a big toy, so the mother is going along with this wish?

I also depends on whether the host children each take their presents home to unwrap in private or do so in public.

The 'wanted' gift costs £199, there are 20 children in the class, so I guess she is figuring on £10 per head, which gets her to the desired amount. I must admit,I generally spend £10 on a present, but reading some of the posts maybe thats a bit excessive.

I think giving money to a close friend or relative so they can get something 'better' is something I have done happily, but for classmates a gift token appears more appropriate.

Just to conclude, both parents are professionals and would be more than able to afford this gift without resorting to a collection IMO.

Very tricky this..I don't know where I stand as I can sort of see the JL mum's pov, as well as that of the typical 6yo who - yes - would probably like lots of small pressies rather than 1 bigger one. Often I agree it's the little sticker/ colouring/craft things which please a lot even though they're not expensive.

But by 6 some children do hanker after 1 bigger thing, eg a scooter or an expensive toy car. One pov is that little Jamie/Jessica can look back and think ' My scooter is really cool; class 2G got me that last year'

The wording would have to be mega polite though...or maybe no word at all. Just introduce the list idea queitly if any of the parents ask what your child would like for his birthday.

q u i e t l y

What is 'the gift?' that costs £199? I will browse JL.

It'll be one of those child size cars probably.

well if the JL mother has actually told people the gift costs £199.00 then it's down to her approach.

I still can see it from her POV if she means something like 'dh and I are putting money toward the scooter. Of course we don't expect it all to come from party money and the main reason we are doing this is because ds is so set on getting this scooter'

However if she has simply told people about about the gift, with nothing implied that they are seeking only a partial contribution from the party guests, then I think she is being shockingly greedy and unrealistic. Is she expecting 20 guests to match the £10.00 they are giving her child with £10.00 to each of the other two party children! That's £30.00 per guest. Or does she expect all guests parents to spend all their birthday present budget on her child alone, leaving the other two children present-less?

Katwith3kittens, I think you should avert disaster by you and the other host parent telling JL mother that other parents have queried the money arrangements with you.

Explain parents are very worried about not hitting the target £199.00 between the 20 of them, especially as they also have to buy two other presents for the other birthday children. In fact, you suspect some parents may back out of the party entirely, which will be sad for all three children.

Expalin that you get the impression the parents need to be reassured JL child will get his promised birthday scooter, whatever happens, as the guest parents don't want to be responsible for disappointing him.

You of course assume JL mothere means to make up the shortfall herself, but as the message hasn't got through to other parents, could the JL mother say something to them, as no one wants parents backing out of the party, do they?

i dont think the mum has got it right this time i bet she would be horrified though if she thought it had caused upset

i wonder if one day this will happen more and more from a GREEN point of view - eg not lots of wrapping and plastic for every child

God cannot believe this - the woman is mad - what will he poor child do when the kids turn up and give the other 2 birthday kids presents and not him???

Mind you - DD is going to ask all of her friends to contribute to her trampoline fund for her birthday because apparently I am tight bottomed - said after she came back from XH's - he never got to go near my tight bottom so not sure how he knows!!

I think JL is a bit OTT, but a friend sent out invitations with a list of a few toys on the back just as an idea of the things her son is into (& also to avoid double-ups). I thought this was a good idea as I'd much rather get something that the child will like/wants rather than something that gets forgotten.

good point about the green-ness newgirl