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AIBU?

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Original poster

To confront hurtful MIL?

149 replies

Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 19:59

I'm really struggling with this one.
Dh, middle child, has always felt he could never measure up to his sisters in his parents eyes. This is a very long story, but basically they all still consider him as the stroppy teen he was, even though he's now mid forties, professional job, married nearly 20 years.
Oct 2016, MIL told DH that they felt they were unable to host us all at Christmas, it was getting a bit much for them etc. So we visited briefly between Christmas and New Year.
This year again we were not invited for Christmas, again under the pretence of it all being too much to have house guests.
Except we have now found out that both dh's sisters and families have spent Christmas there, despite all living nearby. DH is broken. He feels completely rejected.
We're supposed to be going to visit tomorrow.
I think we should go to a hotel as I'm not sure I can be civil, and DH is upset. I also want to ask MIL if she realises how hurtful this has been, or at least ask a sister if it was intentional.
So do I say something and open a whole can of worms?

OP posts:
SassySausageSupper · 26/12/2017 20:00

It’s not your place to say anything but you should encourage DH to

practicallyperfectmummy · 26/12/2017 20:03

That's really hurtful for your hubby and I can understand the upset. How did you find out about everyone going over? I think in life it's much better to tell people they have hurt you and be upfront about it. She won't know her behaviour has upset him unless she is told and hopefully she will stop making him feel so rejected.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 26/12/2017 20:04

That is so hurtful. I would be raging on your dh's behalf. I would find it VERY hard to bite my tongue, but the PP is right to say you should encourage your husband to say something.

Situp · 26/12/2017 20:04

Your poor DH.

I don't think that confronting her will help. She will have justified her choice to herself. However, you can support him in distancing himself and taking her out of the equation for things like Christmas.

If he doesn't want to go to visit, support him in whatever choice he makes.

Greenshoots1 · 26/12/2017 20:07

I don't think you are being realistic. Your PIL have explained quite openly that they can't cope with hosting your family. They are not required to. How can that have "broken" normal adult? My parents coped with mine and my siblings partners and children differently at different ages, and quite often said they couldn't manage us all at once, so we went at different times.

What is the issue?

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 20:08

We found out on Christmas Eve when he called his parents to wish them a happy Christmas. Mil was quite distracted and it turns out one sister and family had just arrived and was staying until tomorrow. Other sister had arrived Friday.
If it weren't for our DC who love their grandparents I would have no qualms in going NC

OP posts:
Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 20:10

The issue is that DH was already feeling rejected by his parents. To be told not to come at Christmas (We've previously done alternate years with my parents) and be under the illusion they wouldn't be hosting anyone, and then find out actually it's only him being excluded. That's the issue.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 26/12/2017 20:10

After 20years you're one of the family so I'd have to say something

Duckstar · 26/12/2017 20:12

I’m the middle child of 3. I would be devestated if my parents hosted my siblings for Christmas and not me, and my parents would never do that.

I think you should say something, but wait to new year. Maybe do by email. Doesn’t have to be confrontational, but why can they accommodate other children and not you? Explain your DH was hurt.

Tistheseason17 · 26/12/2017 20:13

Yep, this ^

BenLui · 26/12/2017 20:14

I think “confront” might be the wrong word.

But certainly I’d quietly be taking one of them aside and making them aware of how their actions have been perceived by their son.

And yes, I’d stay in a hotel.

Greenshoots1 · 26/12/2017 20:14

I just don't get the issue, lots of families with three children are not going to be hosting them all at once. It would be too much for lots of people

BewareOfDragons · 26/12/2017 20:16

I wouldn't go tomorrow.

And I would decide what I wanted to say when I was feeling less hurt after some time had passed.

gamerchick · 26/12/2017 20:16

Could you have a chat with your husband and tell him how you feel?

I can’t bare my husbands kids families. I put up with it for a few years but stopped having anything to do with them years ago. He knows I’ve reached my quota of biting my tongue.

Go on how he feels, he might appreciate you sticking up for him.

RadioGaGoo · 26/12/2017 20:16

OP, your DH sounds like a perfectly normal adult to me. It perfectly normal to feel emotions.

Dancinggoat · 26/12/2017 20:16

I think it is fine for you to say something. You may be able to say it more easily than your husband.
You've been part of the family for a very long time.
Start with a sister you're the closest too then perhaps talk to his parents.
It's awful they are showing more affection towards his siblings than him. It's cruel.

MrsExpo · 26/12/2017 20:18

I would have no hesitation in telling my MiL how upset your DH is about this. If she doesn’t like it, then tough: her problem. But I wouldn’t be even thinking about visiting them this year or in future years. They’ve clearly made a choice and that’s not your DH.

Tinselistacky · 26/12/2017 20:19

When your dc are old enough to realise what they are won't they be gutted you put yourselves through putting up with them for their 'benefit'?

shushpenfold · 26/12/2017 20:20

Has your DH spoken to his sisters about it; what do they think and would they challenge MIL about it?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 20:25

I would have no compunction about telling MIL and FIL about the effect their poor behaviour has had. As a PP has said, after 20 years together you are part of their family.

I would also not hesitate to cut down contact between DC and the IL - because let's face it, if the ILs are already favouring your DH's siblings, how long is it going to be before that spills over and affects his kids? Children aren't daft and if they see that 'most favoured nation' status is being bestowed on their cousins then it won't sit well with them.

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 20:25

It's very matriachal. Mil is very skilled at putting on the tears too when necessary.
I know DH is upset, we have spoken about this, he was the first one to verbalize the hotel idea. He's getting cold feet about that though because then he'd have to explain why.
The PIL and SILs all live within 5 miles of each other, we are about 3 hours away.

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 20:26

I wouldn't visit at all. And I would tell them that you've decided against it because of they way they have behaved.

Lanaorana2 · 26/12/2017 20:27

He's frightened of them, isn't he. Another bad sign. Do PIL like or tolerate you?

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 20:29

The sisters and families are all very close to PIL.
There are thing MIL has said about our DC that would make your toes curl but would be too outing for me to say here. The family have already strongly criticised my social media use and it wouldn't surprise me if they monitored MN

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 20:30

And you carry on seeing these people because..?