To confront hurtful MIL?

[Angstyfish123]

I'm really struggling with this one.
Dh, middle child, has always felt he could never measure up to his sisters in his parents eyes. This is a very long story, but basically they all still consider him as the stroppy teen he was, even though he's now mid forties, professional job, married nearly 20 years.
Oct 2016, MIL told DH that they felt they were unable to host us all at Christmas, it was getting a bit much for them etc. So we visited briefly between Christmas and New Year.
This year again we were not invited for Christmas, again under the pretence of it all being too much to have house guests.
Except we have now found out that both dh's sisters and families have spent Christmas there, despite all living nearby. DH is broken. He feels completely rejected.
We're supposed to be going to visit tomorrow.
I think we should go to a hotel as I'm not sure I can be civil, and DH is upset. I also want to ask MIL if she realises how hurtful this has been, or at least ask a sister if it was intentional.
So do I say something and open a whole can of worms?

Don’t go. Don’t tell them you’re not going. Give as many fucks for them as they give for you.

I suppose he is frightened. That this may actually be it. The end. Because all he's ever wanted is their approval.

I'd suggest a sudden bout of noro and not going for now as feelings will be a bit raw.

Give yourselves some time to think and then write an email or letter, calmly, and explain how shit they are being.

I couldn't give any fucks about them. The scales fell from my eyes a couple of years ago. But DH is not at that point (yet?) and I don't feel it's something we could do to the children.

He's never going to get their approval though is he.

I think I’d go but book a hotel. Then I’d want strong words with his parents.

Could you not offer to host them?

But you are protecting the children. It's not in their best interests to spend time with people that have said nasty things about them, and that openly favour others.

I understand that you don't want to disappoint the kids, but it's not healthy to be putting them in an environment where they can see their Dad being bullied. There is an important lesson here about boundaries, toxic personalities and your right to avoid people if you don't like them.

In your shoes I would nicely but firmly tell your DH that he is welcome to go himself if he feels he must, but that you and the DC will be staying put. These people are damaging and nasty; being around them is not going to result in anything other than more tears, hurt and heartache. If you take the step of saying 'No', it may give your DH the courage to try and break out of the FOG* and recognise that he doesn't have to keep seeing them.

*Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

They sound like twats. Block them from your social media, don’t wasted your time going to see them tomorrow and when they ask why just say “we don’t really feel welcome”. No contact is better than shit contact that makes you miserable.

We've offered to host, but our house is tiny. We have a sofa bed in the lounge which they used to stay on but now they are getting older it's not so good. We've offered our bedroom but they refused. Last time they visited (spring 17) they stayed in a motel.

The hardest thing for DH will be realising that his parents are not going to change - I doubt they will suddenly start to behave better. Confrointing them may backfire - there'll be an oh-so plausible excise for the favouritism. The easiest thing is the utter bliss he will feel when he detaches, not necessarily socially, but emotionally.

Only cancel tomorrow if you can think of something really nice you & your family can thoroughly enjoy instead. Otherwise, go and ask them sweetly for all the details of their Xmas.

I don’t think I could go to be honest. I couldn’t sit in their house with forced jolity (sp?) and pretend all was well in that situation. I would feign sickness in the short term to deal with not going and perhaps in the New Year send a calm well written email outlining how hurtful this behaviour is and then limit contact. By the sounds of it your DH has little to lose regardless.. i feel for your DH I really do.

I wouldn't go OP. Don't put yourselves through the ordeal of having to be in close quarters with people who behave like this. Your poor husband has every right to feel very upset. I would support and encourage him to detach himself from his clearly toxic parents

I continue to be shocked at how people treat each other on MN.

Greenshots, try reading the original post properly a few times if you don't understand the issue.
Her PIL said they couldn't cost everyone as it was too much for them. Okay not an issue.
They didnt tell the OP or her husband they were still going to be hosting his 2 sisters families and just not them. Thats the issue!!!

Its very sneaky and childish. They could have told your husband and explained rather than having you find out this way. Very hurtful, why leave your family out and not them?

I would encourage your DH to say something, if not I would if i was you.
You've been married 20 year and have their grandchildren, your part of the family and have every right to ask about this.

To be fair, they have never said anything about the children, but have blamed our parenting for issues DC have (both neurological and medical)

How nasty, I woukd encourage him to not go at all, and go minimum contact. Your poor dh😥😥

I'd find it hard to play nice in these circumstances. Even if the PIL had asked you to stay in a hotel over christmas because they had the 2 sisters staying but to exclude you completely is just horrible.

Also wtf is going on with his sisters? I have 3 children - late teens now and if I excluded one of them from Christmas day the other 2 would be raging and would call me on it. they like/love each other too much to let that happen.

Your husband might find a load lifts from him if he just went low contact - starting with "oh we can't come up tomorrow, happy new year to you all"

I would ask MIL how was her Christmas and did she find her house guests too much then stare her down.

@Angstyfish123 that's fair enough. In that case they've been very unfair.

Oh god just read your last post, they sound thoroughly toxic, I woukd certainly have very little to do with them.

Just don't go. Really for your own sakes, don't. Wont bore you with our story but honestly do something fun with your own family.
After the first year it's easier - detatchment is, as a pp said, bliss.

The parents and his sisters sound like arseholes I wouldn’t go I’d send a text

They sound vile. Your poor dh. I’m not sure I would want my kids around them as they sound toxic.

You say you weren't invited last year, but visited briefly. This year same again, not invited, but you were going anyway to stay? I am assuming this as you say you are thinking of a hotel instead?