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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront hurtful MIL?

149 replies

Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 19:59

I'm really struggling with this one.
Dh, middle child, has always felt he could never measure up to his sisters in his parents eyes. This is a very long story, but basically they all still consider him as the stroppy teen he was, even though he's now mid forties, professional job, married nearly 20 years.
Oct 2016, MIL told DH that they felt they were unable to host us all at Christmas, it was getting a bit much for them etc. So we visited briefly between Christmas and New Year.
This year again we were not invited for Christmas, again under the pretence of it all being too much to have house guests.
Except we have now found out that both dh's sisters and families have spent Christmas there, despite all living nearby. DH is broken. He feels completely rejected.
We're supposed to be going to visit tomorrow.
I think we should go to a hotel as I'm not sure I can be civil, and DH is upset. I also want to ask MIL if she realises how hurtful this has been, or at least ask a sister if it was intentional.
So do I say something and open a whole can of worms?

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 26/12/2017 20:49

Don’t go if that is going to make him feel worse (it will). Don’t give any explanations unless they ask, if they do tell them why in black and white.

Frankly, I agree with other people that they are not going to change no matter what they do. Sometimes the healthiest way to deal with it is to pay lack of interest with lack of interest. No need to go on strict no contact or a full blown confrontation, just being less pro active is enough.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2017 20:49

Well there are two reasons for not going in all guns blazing; your children's relationship with their grandparents and how your husband feels about them.

It's all very odd. If they've hosted all of their children (and families) for x number of years, what has happened to make this year different? Something has clearly changed.

I think you and your husband will need to come up with a gameplan to speak to them about this, together. I wouldn't necessarily say that going tomorrow is a good idea as suggested by pp, Christmas is over really. Some sort of virus would give you time to think and work out your strategy and what you can tolerate as the outcome.

I'm sorry for your husband, it's obviously come as a dreadful shock.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 20:49

The more you share about them, the worse they sound.

Don't go. Send a short text telling them you aren't going then turn your phones off.

The initial guilt tripping, tactical tears and flying monkeys are hard. But honestly it does get so much easier and the peace and quiet of not being obliged to go anywhere is blissful.

I've had years of being LC with a relative - the first 12 months was tricky. But once the new boundaries had been established and they realised that I wasn't going to back down, life became much easier.

LilRedWG · 26/12/2017 20:49

Why go?

shakeyourcaboose · 26/12/2017 20:50

Agree with MsQueen, toxic twats! Not a healthy environment for your dc at all!

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 20:51

It is so reassuring to hear so many of you say they are not being nice. Because they are "nice" people and everything is said or done so nicely, it makes you doubt if you are being unreasonable at all.
So, yes. Toxic. Not nice. Cruel.
But I think we really do have to go tomorrow. It would only cause more trouble to cancel. And I have excelled myself with P/A Christmas presents this year...

OP posts:
user1485778793 · 26/12/2017 20:53

It's really hard to see this happening to you dh. I'm seeing it now with mine and it's not pretty.

My in laws are awful to us, especially mil. She is vicious and a liar and when caught out in a lie will throw blame everywhere else. Dh is seeing this now, it's not nice to see him realise his parents adore his older brother and pander to his every need, but dh gets nothing. Not even support at our babies funeral, however his brother was carried out by fil because he was so upset. Neither of them went to dh.

Dh sees it now and has distanced himself from them (I'm totally nc) but I can tell he's very hurt by them

VeganIan · 26/12/2017 20:56

So when MIL said "it" was too much for them, did she mean dealing with your DC was the "it" that was too much? Because it sounds like it Angry

user1485778793 · 26/12/2017 20:57

My in laws are very 'nice ' people. Til you see what's really going on..... the most manipulative people are 'nice'

LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 20:58

OK. If you feel you have to go then go. But I would arrive late, stay an hour and then leave. Make it clear you are going out of obligation and that you have better things to do. Be scrupulously polite but icy cold and firm.

DamsonGin · 26/12/2017 21:01

That's a really sad thought, Veganlan.

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 21:02

Veganlan, I'm not sure. They adore the DC but they are boys (and come with associated noise and bluster) whereas all other cousins are girls. Dh only boy in his generation, no boys in MIL generation.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 26/12/2017 21:04

I don't get it. They said they couldn't host you overnight, and yet you are still going? It just doesn't make sense?

DamsonGin · 26/12/2017 21:05

Out of interest, could any of his sisters put you up?

Abbotswood · 26/12/2017 21:06

My in laws are very 'nice ' people. Til you see what's really going on..... the most manipulative people are 'nice'

^^ This.

My sister seems lovely to many, and how she puts herself out for others, including my nephews and nieces is nothing short of remarkable, she seems the most wonderful and gererous Aunt. However, she is a manipulative bully to me and sees my DDs as little as possible (3x a year, even though she lives locally).

My view now is 'the DSis you get isn't the DSis I get and I'd rather not spend time with the DSis I get.'

However for this to be your own parents' must very hurtful indeed. I would challenge all of them, the sisters included as they are colluding in this behaviour.

jazzmin · 26/12/2017 21:10

I had a stomach churn moment reading your OP as it sounded like me. My in laws can’t host us, but they can host my husbands siblings and families. The only hurt person is my husband, as I don’t tell my children and I can distance myself thinking they are the ones losing out.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2017 21:10

Yes a 'nice', veneer, to a toxic and manipulative personality. It sounds like MIL does not like or do boys very much. My 6 year old is lively and like a whirlwind, whereas dd 10, is quieter and more settled, she always has been. I woukd come up with some PA comments about Christmas, and thought it was all too much.

froshiechipandbrickie · 26/12/2017 21:14

This is extremely nasty and toxic imo.

I do think that you have the right to say something. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you should but I do feel that you could.

You’ve been married for 20 years and you are the mother of their grandchildren. Doing things like that might mean that you have to go NC, which would have an impact on your children as well...

What about you and your DH presenting a united front and having a calm talk with his parents and sisters?

I really don’t know if you should play nice tomorrow. I personally probably wouldn’t want to do that, tbh... And I really don’t see how forcing some Christmas cheer would benefit your family (Not event your children in the long run, btw).

hesterton · 26/12/2017 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate · 26/12/2017 21:16

You don't have to go. Give yourself some space ie dreadful seasonal v+d...whole house affected.....they sound awful

BerylStreep · 26/12/2017 21:20

Is it because they can't cope with your DC?

Do the neurological and medical issues they have manifest itself in difficult behaviour? You say they have made awful comments about the children / your parenting, so I wonder if it is a combination of being unable / unwilling to cope with your DC, and a lack of understanding on their part, and blaming any behavioural issues on naughtiness and bad parenting.

I can empathise, MIL has a full-on love fest with his 2 sisters and their children, yet is awful to DH. Over the years we have just cut down on contact, and DH can barely speak to her. He doesn’t want anything to do with his Mum, and when he does see her he says he can’t wait to get out of her company as she is so controlling and manipulative. It’s quite sad to see, although I can fully understand why he feels like he does. I can see how hurt he is, as am I.

Personally I would be inclined to pull out of going tomorrow. I wouldn’t even explain, just a text as someone else suggested saying ‘sorry, we won’t be able to make it. Have a happy new year.’

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 21:21

Oh no, the PA presents are just this year. Nothing horrid but nothing very inspired either.

OP posts:
toomuchofacoincidence · 26/12/2017 21:27

Horrid people

froshiechipandbrickie · 26/12/2017 21:27

You feel like you couldn’t do that to your children

I’m not trying to be rude, but is it really better to let your children have a close (?) relationship with these people if they think that it’s ok to treat them and their father like second best, blame your ”parenting for issues DC have (both neurological and medical)” and seem like a rather nasty and toxic bunch?

Having a close relationship with someone that mistreated your parent and is continuing to do so is really difficult (in my case my grandmother. And she really has treated my mother horribly). I was a child and had a very strong bond with her.

But there were many times when I wished that I didn’t have a close grandmother / grandchild relationship with her. (I kind of blamed my parents for ‘letting me’ love her)
I’m obviously projecting but I really do think that you and your DH might want to have a conversation about potentially limiting contact your children have with them as well (obviously depends on how much contact they have).

StealthNinjaMum · 26/12/2017 21:39

This is tricky, people like this won't ever have an epiphany where they realise they've been wankers. You could talk to them but it sounds like they'll deny it, make excuses, gaslight you, make you feel guilty or needy.

And if you (op specifically) has a conversation that turns nasty you might find dh isn't ready to back you up.

I would suck it up this once, maybe invent a reason to make the visit shorter, and read books on toxic inlaws / parents with your dh - the relationships board has knowledgeable people who can recommend some. Maybe dh could get counselling. Basically I would be working towards strengthening him so that the next time this happens the scales have fallen and he can deal with it - or go lc / NC.