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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront hurtful MIL?

149 replies

Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 19:59

I'm really struggling with this one.
Dh, middle child, has always felt he could never measure up to his sisters in his parents eyes. This is a very long story, but basically they all still consider him as the stroppy teen he was, even though he's now mid forties, professional job, married nearly 20 years.
Oct 2016, MIL told DH that they felt they were unable to host us all at Christmas, it was getting a bit much for them etc. So we visited briefly between Christmas and New Year.
This year again we were not invited for Christmas, again under the pretence of it all being too much to have house guests.
Except we have now found out that both dh's sisters and families have spent Christmas there, despite all living nearby. DH is broken. He feels completely rejected.
We're supposed to be going to visit tomorrow.
I think we should go to a hotel as I'm not sure I can be civil, and DH is upset. I also want to ask MIL if she realises how hurtful this has been, or at least ask a sister if it was intentional.
So do I say something and open a whole can of worms?

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 26/12/2017 21:44

You haven't explained why you are going to stay overnight if they said they couldn't host you? Isnt this a massive hole in your story?

Allthetuppences · 26/12/2017 21:56

They were told that IL's couldn't host at Christmas and plans were made for "separate" visits (less work at once). But the separate visits were only for op family not coming at christmas and one sister and family did a 3 (?)day visit. Was my reading of it.

DamsonGin · 26/12/2017 21:58

That was my understanding, tuppence.

user1497997754 · 26/12/2017 22:01

I would do everything in my power to protect my DH and children and def not go....I would not put them in a situation where they were not valued...I would tell his parents to fuck right off and never contact us again. How dare they treat you like they do....you need to put your big girl pants on and stand up for your family and not pander to them...

MoreHairyThanScary · 26/12/2017 22:07

I think not going would fit the bill perfectly at this point, you can explain to the DC that actually PIL have not been very kind and have hurt you and right now wouldn't be a good time to see them. You will continue to get more of the same if you don't do anything differently.

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 22:08

Yes, going to visit (or at least sending the DC for a few days) is almost like a summons. Refusing to go at all over the Christmas period would be unthinkable in their eyes. However, we're not deemed good enough to be there on the actual day, whereas that favouritism is shown to the SIL. It's the lie that hurts. "We can't cope with Christmas. Don't come." Then hosting everybody but us.

They also want to have DC for a few days each school holiday, but don't mind/bother/care about DH & I coming. Happy to pick them up somewhere half way.

OP posts:
Redken24 · 26/12/2017 22:10

Honestly if you were me, id be getting ready to say it. Absolutely not on. I have had a similar situation but definitely can't say for outing. My dh couldn't even talk about it , so I casually mentioned the elephant in the room. I though it was better to just clear the air for them 😂 God no wonder they don't like me

Butterymuffin · 26/12/2017 22:15

It would only cause more trouble to cancel.

How could it be worse? Genuine question. I hate to use the 'take back control' phrase but that's exactly what you need to do here.

BewareOfDragons · 26/12/2017 22:25

More trouble if you cancel?

Not your problem. Refuse to engage. Put the phone down politely if they try to create an issue. Just refuse to engage.

Bowerbird5 · 26/12/2017 22:30

Could you go, stay in a hotel and spend the day out somewhere
? That way the kids have something to interest them instead of being cooped up. If ILs won't go just take the kids and see iLaws for an hour after activity. That way you have visited but children don't have to stay bored for long. Have a peaceful night in a hotel visit next morning for coffee then off home.

HannaSolo · 26/12/2017 22:35

Just a thought - is the distance the issue?

I'm not suggesting it isn't hurtful and could have been handled better, but is it perhaps they feel able to invite the sisters for dinner, who then go home presumably but are struggling to host you when that involves overnight stays and additional meals/prep etc.

It's a lot more work having people come for 5/6 hours than it is for 48 hours.

Either way, I personally wouldn't go this year. I can't see how it's not going to end in either a very emotional showdown or just an excruciatingly painful pretence of "all is ok".

I think you need to find out what the issue is before you see them and take it from there.

SilverySurfer · 26/12/2017 22:40

OP, you and your DH are adults and it's IRRELEVANT if his parents issue a summons or refusing to go is unthinkable to them - you are both fully entitled to say NO.

I don't have children but if I were you I would be keeping your DCs away from these ghastly people and them going there during holidays etc would absolutely not be happening.

Cancel your visit and let it be a new beginning.

Good luck.

Motoko · 26/12/2017 22:41

Why are SILs families staying over at PIL, when they only live 5 miles away?

It makes more sense for your family to stay, and the SILs to just visit each day.

HannaSolo · 26/12/2017 22:51

Moto that's why I asked - it's not clear if the sisters are staying over. The implication is they don't - rather as they live locally they have dinner then go home.....

Blessyourheart · 26/12/2017 23:03

They've already kind of cancelled by excluding your family. I'd cancel and re-arrange a sperate visit if you can be arsed.

MintyChops · 26/12/2017 23:04

Honestly I wouldn’t go tomorrow; car trouble, sick child, migraine, whatever you like but give yourself time to breathe and talk and decide what you both want to do/ say. Really feel for your DH, I am a middle child too and have had a number of shitty experiences like this, it’s very hurtful.

pinkbraces · 26/12/2017 23:12

You do realise if you continue to accept same old, same old nothing will change. This isn’t really about your PIL it’s about what you choose to accept.
You are adults and you have choices.

Northernparent68 · 26/12/2017 23:13

I really think your husband should remove himself emotionally, this will never change, he should nt spend his life trying to please someone who will never be pleased. Ironically when he distances himself they ll come running

Coastalcommand · 26/12/2017 23:17

I think I'm missing something here - is the problem that they want to host the OP's family later in the week but other siblings on Christmas Day? Maybe it is too much for them to have everyone in their home at once?
I know that when we host friends and family overnight, some are much easier than others. That's not that I like some more than others, but some dynamics are more relaxing than others.

5foot5 · 26/12/2017 23:22

*Why are SILs families staying over at PIL, when they only live 5 miles away?

It makes more sense for your family to stay, and the SILs to just visit each day.*

^^This. I was just about to ask this. It makes it worse.

YouTheCat · 26/12/2017 23:26

But Coastal, there's no need to host the sisters overnight for 3 days as they live 5 miles away. Surely it would make sense for them to visit daily and to host the Op and family?

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 23:26

Yes, the SILs families all stayed over Christmas. They leave tomorrow.

OP posts:
JRTerrorist · 26/12/2017 23:42

How hurtful. How horrible.

meandmytinfoilhat · 26/12/2017 23:43

I wouldn't go to be honest, but tell them you're not coming.

I don't understand how they can host for 2 other families but can't host one more. I feel for your husband.

I wouldn't confront them about it but I would definitely be asking questions.

LostSight · 26/12/2017 23:45

If you can afford a hotel, could you go somewhere exciting instead and have a lovely short break? Or if you feel you must go, then hotel and agree with DH beforehand that as soon as anything becomes negative, that you will go back to your hotel early. You (and DH) have to begin to take control of the situation.

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