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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront hurtful MIL?

149 replies

Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 19:59

I'm really struggling with this one.
Dh, middle child, has always felt he could never measure up to his sisters in his parents eyes. This is a very long story, but basically they all still consider him as the stroppy teen he was, even though he's now mid forties, professional job, married nearly 20 years.
Oct 2016, MIL told DH that they felt they were unable to host us all at Christmas, it was getting a bit much for them etc. So we visited briefly between Christmas and New Year.
This year again we were not invited for Christmas, again under the pretence of it all being too much to have house guests.
Except we have now found out that both dh's sisters and families have spent Christmas there, despite all living nearby. DH is broken. He feels completely rejected.
We're supposed to be going to visit tomorrow.
I think we should go to a hotel as I'm not sure I can be civil, and DH is upset. I also want to ask MIL if she realises how hurtful this has been, or at least ask a sister if it was intentional.
So do I say something and open a whole can of worms?

OP posts:

MsWanaBanana · 27/12/2017 12:37

I think it's really horrible to invite 2 of your children and their families for Xmas and leave one out. I know my parents would never dream of doing that. I come with 3 noisy toddlers as well! It's Xmas. It's one day of year. If they feel that overwhelmed then they can ask everyone to chip in and bring a dish so they don't have to do everything. That's what we do now. One of us does the meat, one the side dishes and one does all the desserts and snacks. This way we all enjoy a great family day and not have to spend it all in the kitchen! There's so many different options rather than leaving your son out.
Also, Greenshoots1 I feel sorry for you

Hatsoffdear · 27/12/2017 12:44

We have 5 grown up kids and grandchildren and all are welcome over Christmas. Leaving one little family unit out is horrible.

I would phone the sisters and in laws and tell them catagorically how hurt dh is.

Bunglecunt · 27/12/2017 13:46

Op I really feel for your dh, my parents suddenly stopped inviting us for family events 10 years ago and I tried to bite my tongue to keep the peace but eventually it got too much. I told them how hurtful it was to keep seeing pictures of the whole family together without us at Xmas and asked what the issue was but it was always twisted back on us in a horrible passive aggressive way (I was told that I was oversensitive and trying to upset them) and nothing ever changed. Eventually a couple of years ago I realised that by maintaining contact on their terms I was allowing myself and my dc to be treated badly and I cut contact. This time of year is hard because of all the romanticising of the extended family getting together but at least I am not holding out for the day we finally get included. It's been helpful for me to read the replies on here because I have often wondered if I really am causing trouble for the sake of it like I have been told.

Greenshoots reading your responses has actually made me wonder if you're my mum!

Moussemoose · 27/12/2017 14:51

OP do you ever read those threads about boys not being close to their parents?

MiLs like yours are the reason. She has decided boys aren't as close to their parents and she is making it true. She probably says to her friends " we want to see them but you know what boys are like".

Very slowly disengage, longer gaps between visits, fewer phone calls etc.
Support your DP and build a strong family unit that loves and supports him - I'm sure you are doing that anyway.

They don't deserve your DP or your lovely boys.

Original poster

Angstyfish123 · 27/12/2017 17:13

Well, we are on our way.
I spoke again with DH about talking to his parents, when it's less emotionally charged. He said "What's the point?"
We have decided not to do this next year. We're staying home and they can come to us. Or not. Ball is in their court.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/12/2017 17:27

I have 3 boys none of whom are noisy or blustery as you describe yours.
But I do have friends with boys like that. I think as the sisters and their girls live nearby they are used to the mild, meek girls you describe and either they or DH's sisters cannot handle noisy, blustery boys and that is what they couldn't cope with.

They were too embarrassed to be upfront about this and have been caught in a lie. Personally I'd say something and make them squirm rather than silently seethe!

bringbacksideburns · 27/12/2017 17:27

I wouldn't have gone.

You are travelling all that way and staying in a hotel whilst the people who live closest are staying over AND have spent Christmas with them

I'm afraid my face would be an open book. I'd be fuming.
It's the fact that they weren't honest with you that's the killer.

I'm wondering if there is anything else going on - do they have a very poor relationship with you?

Birdshitbridgegotme · 27/12/2017 18:20

I would call to say I was staying in a hotel and when asked why would explain that dh was upset with what had happened and u just think it will be better that way. So things dont get bigger. That will hopefully give her time to see what she's done and maybe offer up a answer for.when u get there

cherryontopp · 27/12/2017 21:36

Greenshots your as dumb as you are ignorant. You fail to see the issue which everyone on thread can see despite their opinion.
Your using your own situation, of your family saying they cant with everyone and see them at different times. This is honest and understandable.
The OPs in laws had said they cant cope with everyone over xmas and said there not hosting. They failed to mention to the OP that her daughters and their families were staying and having dinner, they just weren't hosting them.
If her parents in law find her children too much to handle they could be honest.

Hosting his sisters families and not him without telling him is excluding them. If you cant see this, you need professional help

Splinterz · 27/12/2017 21:46

DC have [sic] issues (both neurological and medical)

Do you think the PILs cannot cope with boisterous children? They adore the DC but they are boys (and come with associated noise and bluster)

YouTheCat · 27/12/2017 21:55

I think you're probably doing the best thing. I wouldn't cause a rift. Like your dh says - what's the point. But definitely leave the ball in their court regarding next year and have a nice relaxed time at home.

Splinterz · 27/12/2017 22:00

May I be rude and ask a couple of direct questions:

Are the PILS elderly - you said DH was in his 40's so I assume the are in their 70's

Secondly, referring back to your comments
boys (and come with associated noise and bluster)
DC have [sic] issues (both neurological and medical)
I'm making a massive jump to one of the ADHD style syndromes

Perhaps they genuinely cant deal with the upheaval at their age over several days. You haven't really explained what either of your comments really mean.

Angstyfish123 · 28/12/2017 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WelshMoth · 28/12/2017 08:40

How are things OP?
My own DM is a toxic matriarch but I stood up to this year's back. Horrible though.

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 08:51

I feel sorry for your husband but I don’t think confronting them will help in the way that you want. They are 70 and have treated him like this their entire lives - they’re not going to stop that now unfortunately. Your confrontation will fall on deaf ears and they will probably feel annoyed with YOU for daring to bring it up. Personally I would just withdraw from the the best that you can

BerylStreep · 28/12/2017 08:52

Op, your last update really highlights their complete lack of respect for you and DH. I'm not sure I could manage to love with that level of judgement, let alone the exclusion.

How is your visit going?

ClaryFray · 28/12/2017 09:00

I feel for you OP. I wouldn't be going if I were you. But hope it goes well.

Ceebs85 · 28/12/2017 09:13

Hope its going ok OP.

I'm guessing he doesn't get on well with his sisters since he didn't know they were going so talking/confiding in them would not be helpful?

In your situation I wouldn't say anything unless it somehow came up in conversation because it would probably be falling on deaf ears and wouldn't help anything.

Your poor DH. It's awful not feeling wanted by the people who are supposed to love you equally and unconditionally.

Nousernameforme · 28/12/2017 09:24

I wouldn't have gone myself but now you are there I would be cool and polite. Then after you get back you can send an email just saying something like we heard about sisters getting to stay for christmas and dh was hurt by being excluded

FrancisCrawford · 28/12/2017 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerylStreep · 31/12/2017 18:17

OP how did your visit go?

Original poster

Angstyfish123 · 31/12/2017 19:09

It was actually surprisingly pleasant. We stayed in PIL house.
Nothing was said, on either side, about Christmas day itself.
We're still thinking about next year. We have thought we might rent a cottage and they can visit us.

OP posts:

humblesims · 31/12/2017 19:14

So...Do they know you know that they hosted SILs for xmas?

LenaLoveWitch · 01/01/2018 15:59

Same here. Elderly DM couldn’t cope with having DD and I for Christmas even though I do all the cooking. she said she just having my single DS for Christmas Day. Then DB and his DD invited themselves to stay with her for 3 days but after Christmas Day. So I’m fine that especially as My DD is visiting too after Christmas But- I didn’t get a single card or gift from any of them before Christmas despite having sent gifts to all 2 weeks before Christmas. Dm was just intending to send a cheque and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t mail it (she has a helper who comes in every day and does all that stuff. I told her I was upset and hurt and she just said oh well. Plus my DD said she bitched about me moaning when she was visiting. Totally demoralised

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