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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront hurtful MIL?

149 replies

Angstyfish123 · 26/12/2017 19:59

I'm really struggling with this one.
Dh, middle child, has always felt he could never measure up to his sisters in his parents eyes. This is a very long story, but basically they all still consider him as the stroppy teen he was, even though he's now mid forties, professional job, married nearly 20 years.
Oct 2016, MIL told DH that they felt they were unable to host us all at Christmas, it was getting a bit much for them etc. So we visited briefly between Christmas and New Year.
This year again we were not invited for Christmas, again under the pretence of it all being too much to have house guests.
Except we have now found out that both dh's sisters and families have spent Christmas there, despite all living nearby. DH is broken. He feels completely rejected.
We're supposed to be going to visit tomorrow.
I think we should go to a hotel as I'm not sure I can be civil, and DH is upset. I also want to ask MIL if she realises how hurtful this has been, or at least ask a sister if it was intentional.
So do I say something and open a whole can of worms?

OP posts:
ByeByePrivacy · 26/12/2017 23:47

Protect your children, they don't need to be exposed to this relationship, especially just going by themselves. It's hard for your DH when he see's the way things really are and doesn't want to see it at the same time.

Motoko · 27/12/2017 00:06

Moto that's why I asked - it's not clear if the sisters are staying over.

I see that OP has clarified, but she said earlier in the thread that one turned up when OP phoned PIL on Xmas Eve (?), and the other she thought had been there since Friday.

Butterymuffin · 27/12/2017 00:06

Don't go. Make this the point where you start to refuse to socialise with them when they treat you badly. It will only reinforce their conviction that this is OK if you continue to let it happen.

Cancel the hotel if you can do so and won't lose money. If you're financially committed, I'd plan something more fun for the kids. And no more of them expecting the kids to be delivered to them for a visit every holiday, either.

ObscuredbyFog · 27/12/2017 00:10

I think I'd ask MIL if it's her son she has a problem with or if it's your children. You mentioned they both have difficulties, could it be that their family want Christmas Day to be the romanticised version of traditional and do not want to spend it by making allowances for your two boys' disabilities.

It could be easier for MIL to say she doesn't want your DH than for her to admit your sons and the way that you have to parent them to accommodate their needs don't fit in with her picture of perfection.

Families, who are the ones who should show the most support can be very weird about understanding, accepting and accommodating disability.

Whatever their problem is, I think it may be better to open that can of worms so your DH can know exactly where he stands. Too much of this situation is resting on assumptions and pussyfooting around hurt feelings, it needs to be brought out into the light and everyone needs to know exactly where they stand.

LegallyBrunet · 27/12/2017 00:21

I would most definitely be saying something on my OH's behalf if I were you OP. Could your DH and his sisters not arrange it so there's never all three of them there at once at Christmas if it really is getting too much for PIL?

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 08:03

and come with associated noise and bluster

why do your boys come with noise and bluster?

That could well be the issue

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 27/12/2017 08:59

All boys come this a bit of noise and bluster don't They?! Grin
I suppose I mean in comparison to the meek and mild girl cousins...

OP posts:
Coastalcommand · 27/12/2017 09:07

Not all boys are noisy IME. But if they are, that might be why it's too much for PIL to cope with easily.
I have friends with kids who are noisy and run round and it's much harder to host them than the ones with quieter 'meek and mild' ones. I feel as though I have to be on guard all the time so they don't hurt themselves in my (not entirely suitable for boisterous kids) house.
It would be hard to do that and cook Christmas dinner etc.
Could that be the reason?

LakieLady · 27/12/2017 09:14

There are thing MIL has said about our DC that would make your toes curl

What kind of GM is vile about her own DGC's? She sounds like an utterly nasty piece of work imo.

I'd be minded to engineer an opportunity to talk to her alone and just ask her outright if she realises how much her behaviour upsets her son. But then I'm incapable of bottling anything up and it doesn't always end well!

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 09:16

I think you are making your PIL out to be really evil, when all they have done is tell you honestly that they can't cope with hosting you over Christmas.

Because, maybe they can't?????

You say your children are rowdy, and their cousins are meek and mild, and give the excuse that it is because they are boys - which is actually totally irrelevant.

So you have rowdy children that you make excuses for.....that could be enough, just on its own.

you also don't like them, and have chosen PA gifts - this is weird, why spend money being PA?

so the have a DIL who they know doesn't like them, who was planning on arriving and being PA, who has rowdy children she makes excuses for...........

really, they have honestly explained they cn't cope with you over Christmas, but would be happy to see you after woods.

That sounds fair enough to me. i really can't see anything there to take issue with.

My parents rarely coped with all of us and all our children together, and we came at different times, for many years my brother went for Christmas, and we went for new year, never occured to me to think anything of it at all, other than my parents were simply telling us what worked for them.

"broken"??????????

are you encouraging your dh to see this as something that should "break" him?

This is just such a non issue that I can't even explain enough what a non issue this is.

wednesdayswench · 27/12/2017 09:35

I would not be going to visit them, I would probably make up some excuse to not go (family come down with a tummy bug or something)

In the new year I would compose a non confrontational, non angry, short email (not mentioning any other issues apart from Christmas) I would address and send the email to PIL & both sisters.

'I felt I couldn't not tell you how hurt and devastated DH has felt over the past two Christmases that him and his family have been excluded from your family celebrations. He feels rejected and deeply hurt, especially when it came to light that both sisters and their families were welcome at your home, but we were not. I apologise if it is not my place to say, but DH has been struggling with this and I am at a loss to how to help him. The thought of you all enjoying time together on Christmas Day without him has truly broken him.'

I would then back right off, and wait for their response, I'd not be making any phone calls or planning any visits.

LakieLady · 27/12/2017 09:36

Not all boys are noisy IME. But if they are, that might be why it's too much for PIL to cope with easily.

But upthread, the OP says MIL wants to have the boys to stay in the holidays. Why would she do that if she can't cope with them?

I'm wondering if there's some completely different subtext going on. Could it be you that MIL finds difficult, OP? You've already told us that they've been critical of your social media use. Perhaps you've inadvertently offended them in some way, and they haven't got the balls to explain it to you?

OP, I know your DH is (understandably) upset, but what does he think HE should do about it?

Boysnme · 27/12/2017 09:38

We have a large family and my dad said a few years back that he could no longer host us all. This was fine as it’s a lot of work so we changed our arrangement so that we all spend Christmas Day with our PILs and spend Boxing Day with my family. We have a buffet that everyone contributes to so it’s not too much effort for one person.

There is no way that any of us siblings would be ok with one being excluded.

I also have boys OP and yes they can be hard work, but actually my nieces are just as noisy and boisterous so don’t let anyone say it’s because they are boys.

Your DH needs to talk to his parents and find out what the problem is and decide if a relationship can remain.

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 27/12/2017 09:44

Our boys are very well behaved, their behaviour is not on question.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 27/12/2017 09:51

Could it be you that MIL finds difficult, OP?

If the inlaws are toxic, it will certainly suit them to have this be the story. OP can also be responsible for poisoning their DS's mind against them and for bringing up their DGCs to be badly behaved Hmm

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 10:13

But upthread, the OP says MIL wants to have the boys to stay in the holidays

its completely different to put aside a few days to concentrate on children who are a handful, having them on their own and completely apart from parents and festive occasions.

Our boys are very well behaved, their behaviour is not on question. that is your opinion, but it is also you opinion that boys inevitably come with "noise and bluster". I suspect your PIL, and many other people, would have a different opinion to you

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 10:15

Your PIL have told you what works for them.

This is probably because what they have suggested works for them

its only an issue if you decide to make it one.

Or you could just accept this is what works for them.

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 27/12/2017 10:29

Maybe you'd like to go and stay with them Greenshoots?

OP posts:
froshiechipandbrickie · 27/12/2017 10:36

that is your opinion, but it is also you opinion that boys inevitably come with "noise and bluster"

(Depends on the boys... couldn’t have been further from the truth this Christmas in my family. But that’s a different discussion. I feel like some parents still use the ‘boys will be boys’ argument)

Anyhow, whilst the OP’s children’s ‘noise and bluster’ could justify wanting to do things separately... that doesn’t justify excluding them not being honest about it.

I think the OP’s DH might have reacted differently if his parents had said: “look, we love having you around. But your boys are a bit of a handful, Christmas is stressy and seeing as we’d like to actually spend 1 - 2 full days with you and your family... what about coming over on the 27th?”

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 10:41

Maybe you'd like to go and stay with them Greenshoots?

er.. what?

MrsAJ27 · 27/12/2017 11:21

I wouldn't go to see them today and I certainly wouldn't let my children be around these horrible ppl.

Life is too short to put up with this rubbish, your husband isn't going to get their approval, so needs to stop trying (I know, easier said than done)

seven201 · 27/12/2017 11:44

Does your dh not see/speak to his sisters much? I'm just surprised it's only just come out. If it were me I'd speak to my sisters first, then tell parents I was hurt to be lied to. Surely as the sisters live close by they could have stayed at home then popped in for a bit so everyone could see each other.

Notonthestairs · 27/12/2017 12:15

So the siblings families live close enough to come for the day but stay over at the IL's. And the Op family lives a long distance away and their family has to wait til after the main event.

To me having the nearby siblings and families to stay for Christmas Day shows a marked preference for their company and effectively meant IL's could argue no room at the inn - they could have had everyone over on the same day but don't want to. Their prerogative but obviously highlights the pecking order.

Original poster
Angstyfish123 · 27/12/2017 12:18

Exactly, notonthestairs

OP posts:
Coloursthatweremyjoy · 27/12/2017 12:35

I feel for you OP.

Interestingly my DH is the middle child between sisters. His parents have always very obviously favoured them over him. They also highly favour my niece. Think taking her on expensive holidays when my boys aren't taken anywhere, ever.

My boys also have noise and bluster. Obviously many girls do as well and many boys are also very quiet etc etc. But in this particular circumstance they are more busy than my niece. This and be the issue though as in laws house is always loud and full on at Christmas and celebrations!

It hurts, I don't know why it's like this...but I've always told myself that they just don't know how to relate to boys.