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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 8year old DS home alone?

513 replies

Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 17:23

After relocating for my STBX and him promptly leaving me and DS, we have no support network at all, really struggling for money and I have to find new employment (had been freelance)

Firstly, DS is a really sensible boy and has no problem fending for himself when I’m working (from home), has lots of indoor interests he busies himself with and knows what not to do.

Basically my AIBU is how unreasonable would it be to leave DS in bed on school holidays only, go to work for 6am (job is 15min drive away) and be home for 11am?

He will be asleep for at least 3 hours and has no issue with the idea himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dailybastardmail · 27/12/2017 14:37

I would be really curious what replies I would have received if it was a neighbor writing or an EXSIL etc.

So many times I have seen threads “should I call SS on sister/neighbor/SIL” and the replies come in thick and fast “have you offered help!?” “Offer support!” “What about your brothers role in it!?” “Stop clutching your pearls OP” etc

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatterdemalionAspie · 27/12/2017 14:44

No arguing with stupid.

Well on that, at least, we can agree, Pengggwyn. Smile

Pigletthedog · 27/12/2017 14:46

OP I'm sorry, I misunderstood your meaning then.

Also I'm absolutely not saying you shouldn't receive support, and honestly, if the scenario I described happened, you may well be offered plenty of support. But of course that would be after the fact.

However, your original AIBU was should you leave him at home alone between 6 and 11am 2-3 times per week in the school holidays and that was the bit I wanted to concentrate on answering.

I now see you are looking at taking the job and identifying alternative options. Lots can happen between now and then, I really hope you are able to sort something out as you are in a really horrible position. Good luck Thanks

danTDM · 27/12/2017 14:46

Here here Tatter Smile

Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lollipop7 · 27/12/2017 15:20

@Dailybastardmail I feel really bad for you as I know you would rather not have to do this in an ideal world.
I’m currently looking to go back to work in the kind of career I had before three children under 4 and an awful relationship I had to flee so now a single mother to tiny children. It’s not easy, in fact I think I’m looking for a needle in a haystack.
I’ve got no choice but to put all my three bunnies in childcare all day before eldest starts school in September. In a way it makes it harder but easier, I’m not able to put these sorts of questions to myself or any of my children.

I hope you get some more options to explore and I hope things work out for you both.
Life is really shitty and bloody hard sometimes. Trying to do the right thing seems Herculean. 💐

mirime · 27/12/2017 16:12

I was left at home on my own occasionally when I was ill from about 7 or 8. I loved it. It was only for a couple of hours while my mum went shopping though and I was very sensible - and a big reader so if you left me sat down with a book, a couple of hours later I was still going to be sat there with it.

Regularly for six hours did seem a bit much.

Natsku · 27/12/2017 16:39

I gave DD the choice today of staying home alone for an hour and a half or coming with me to my midwife appointment and she chose to stay home - some children really do enjoy the freedom and responsibility of staying home alone, just as some children really don't enjoy it. It's important to be sure your child is one that is happy with it if you do leave them, would definitely agree it's not fair on the child to leave them if they are uncomfortable.

And as for the opinions of child protection professionals - two have approved of me leaving my child alone, pretty sure they'd be more concerned about some of the more overprotective parents in this thread. Different culture of course but I think it brings about good results.

Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Natsku · 27/12/2017 17:26

As parents we're supposed to allow our children to grow up and that involves increasing their independence. And whether they enjoy it is very important because, as you said, it is cruel if they don't.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 27/12/2017 17:32

gov.uk says:
The law doesn’t say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk.
Use your judgement on how mature your child is before you decide to leave them alone, eg at home or in a car.
The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) says:
children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time
children under 16 shouldn’t be left alone overnight

Sorry if this is a repeat!

MibsXX · 27/12/2017 17:33

When I was unemployed, and DS was then only 7 yrs old, the jobcentre actually sanctioned me ( 3 mths ) for refusing to leave son home alone in order to do a job 60 miles away that they had found for me, knowing we are rural and there is no childcare here
According to the witch I had as an advisor, 7 was perfectly fine to leave him alone!?!
When I asked her if she'd leave her child alone, her response? "I'm not the one who is unemployed!"

Bloody should have been IMO

Thebluedog · 27/12/2017 17:36

No, 10 mins max if he’s very sendible and it’s an emergency but even then is not be comfortable

celticmissey · 27/12/2017 17:40

No don't do it that is neglect and you could be arrested. What if there was a fire or he had an accident? Can't believe anyone would think of leaving an 8 year old alone. Look up the law

Ribbon04 · 27/12/2017 17:44

I agree with DanTDM's posts. You know your child, if he is happy with the situation, you should have confidence. It's not like you won't have prepared him for what to in do an emergency or knocks at the door. You can ring him to check in him and vice versa.

Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

REBECCAB123 · 27/12/2017 17:59

I understand your predicament but personally feel that it's way too young to leave a child alone. Hope you find an arrangement with a friend or babysitter x

thornyhousewife · 27/12/2017 18:02

No. You need to arrange childcare. Like everybody else Hmm

kristophersmum2008 · 27/12/2017 18:03

no under no circumstances i have two boys that are age 9 and 11 believe me u dont want that phone call the washing machine kettle blew up and there was a fire.
It will be classed as neglect it does not depend on the child afterall he is stilll a child.
mine blew a lightbulb with water whilst i was in the house trying to experiment.

ClaraSais · 27/12/2017 18:11

If you're struggling have you heard of HomeStart or Gingerbread charities, they don't babysit obviously but they can offer some support. Former was invaluable to me when I was struggling.

Touchmybum · 27/12/2017 18:13

No, definitely not.

SottoVoc3 · 27/12/2017 18:14

It’s not neglect. I would say trust your instincts - and if your child is happy to be left, that is helpful when making the decision.
I’m a widow with young children so frequently have left them home alone...( prefer them to be alone rather than together. No siblings to egg each other on to mischief, or to get into argument with.)
I have loads of rules- no preparing food, no answering door etc etc etc etc. I am always contactable. They have mobile phone with lots of emergency contacts and we live on a friendly road with at least a dozen doors they could knock on in an emergency.
8 would be youngest I could agree to for 15 mins away by car but I think it’s fine if you judge it to be so. Can his dad or his dad’s family help?

SpiritedLondon · 27/12/2017 18:17

Sorry I haven’t RTT. As someone who’s specialised in child protection my view is no - too young sorry. I have dealt with parents who have left 7 year olds home alone to go shopping ( this entailed finger printing , sitting in a cell and interview under caution etc). I don’t really see an 8 year old as much different.

danTDM · 27/12/2017 18:17

Dear God Kristophers if I thought my DD would pour water on a light bulb for 'an experiment' or switch the kettle on or ANY electrical appliance she wouldn't be left for a second.

Thankfully I can trust 100% my DD would NOT behave like this. Before people jump in saying I don't know, I do know.

I agree, I would not leave your DC'S alone, sounds like a nightmare and they are certainly not to be trusted. People with DC's like this must be horrified at the suggestion, people with well adjusted DC's are not..

I'm just lucky. By teenage years I'll probably pay for it though!