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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 8year old DS home alone?

513 replies

Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 17:23

After relocating for my STBX and him promptly leaving me and DS, we have no support network at all, really struggling for money and I have to find new employment (had been freelance)

Firstly, DS is a really sensible boy and has no problem fending for himself when I’m working (from home), has lots of indoor interests he busies himself with and knows what not to do.

Basically my AIBU is how unreasonable would it be to leave DS in bed on school holidays only, go to work for 6am (job is 15min drive away) and be home for 11am?

He will be asleep for at least 3 hours and has no issue with the idea himself.

OP posts:
demirose87 · 27/12/2017 11:44

Natsku, don't tell parents that their child isn't "normal". I find that offensive, also, all children are different. You have no idea of people's individual situations and don't know us personally so therefore no right to judge.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/12/2017 11:52

This thread is about an eight year old being left alone for five hours, Oliversmummy. Not a 10 year old making their way to school

I was referring to incident with the 12 year old

Tumbleweed101 · 27/12/2017 11:56

Just asked my 8yo what she thinks and she said she’d feel fine being left breakfast - lunch time if I had to go to work. Her reply, I know where the breakfast and snacks are and would play my games. I asked what she’d do if she had a problem and she said she’d phone me at work.

I think our children are far more capable than they’re given credit for!

I’m lucky enough to be able to take my dd to work with me in holidays and have family near by but in the op scenario I would consider this as an option if it was the only way I could work. Childcare is hard to find at 6am.

PantPlot · 27/12/2017 12:00

Up until the 90s it was quite routine to leave sensible children at home

I'm not sure that was the case everywhere. I was a child in the Eighties and me and my siblings were left on our own routinely, for the same reason as OP outlines.

We were absolutely fine, but I remember feeling stressed and fearful during that time, and one of the main factors was that I was acutely aware even then that we shouldn't let the neighbours or teachers etc find out about it.

Tigger85 · 27/12/2017 12:01

Increasinglymiddleaged there is no backstory of previous neglect or problems in the home besides him getting rude to his mother during their very prolonged drawn out divorce (almost 5 years!) Wich is why she sent him to live with his dad. His son is not disabled or have sen. I agree it was ridiculous but it did happen, I used to babysit in the evening's at 12 so didn't think it was wrong to leave him alone at that age for a short while. He had a mobile phone and the flat also had a landline so he could easily get hold of his dad or emergency services if anything were to happen. They did 3 spot checks including the one where I was looking after him, then one more interview/chat with them and that was then the end of it.

PantPlot · 27/12/2017 12:02

Sorry, posted too soon-good luck OP, hope you manage to work something out over the coming months

Sophia1984 · 27/12/2017 12:08

Is there any way you could afford an au pair for holidays? Apologies if that is wildly out of your price range. It sounds like a really tough situation. I don’t have older children so can’t give advice on that. Could you contact local children’s centre for advice/support?

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 12:10

"We were absolutely fine, but I remember feeling stressed and fearful during that time, and one of the main factors was that I was acutely aware even then that we shouldn't let the neighbours or teachers etc find out about"

I was under strict instructions to always say "my mums in the bath, can I take a message" if I answered the phone, and to never ever tell anyone (no matter who:aunts, grandparents, close family friends) that I was home alone.

I found it stressful when people knocked on the door, some went away, others realising someone was in would persevere "its only me from next door dear"

It was all very cloak and dagger and not very nice. I got it wrong once or twice.

icandothis64 · 27/12/2017 12:14

Please don't do this OP. When leaving a child you are planning for the abnormal. Not the normal. And don't just focus on what could happen to him. Think about you too. What if something extraordinary happened to you? What if you crashed the car and had some catastrophic accident? How long would he be alone then? and for the child too......who would help him in any type of accident? Even putting his hand under a hot tap. You would never forgive yourself. Please don't do it.

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 12:16

"Calling it neglect is way harsh . It’s a poverty issue as OP is clearly struggling here "
It can be both
A lot of neglect these days is not willful and is due to poverty.
Its still neglect
The neglect part refers to the potential effect on the child, not the reason from the parents point of view (rock&hard place Vs cant be arsed)

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 12:20

Its funny that the "well it was fine in the 90s" posts dont seem to be coming from those of us who WERE actually left home alone. Those of us who were are saying dont do it.

Yes we could turn a key and heat a meal, but the secrecy was stressful and we really didnt know what to do in unexpected stiuations. Being able to do the routine stuff is not a barometer of being able to cope with unplanned happenings.

Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 27/12/2017 12:55

Its funny that the "well it was fine in the 90s" posts dont seem to be coming from those of us who WERE actually left home alone. Those of us who were are saying dont do it.

Well I was left home alone at that age and I would say do it. I wasn't afraid at all and was perfectly capable of looking after myself for half a day.

I was a particularly mature and sensible child, though. There are some 8-year-olds I wouldn't leave in charge of a Tamagotchi.

ferrier · 27/12/2017 12:58

When leaving a child you are planning for the abnormal. Not the normal. And don't just focus on what could happen to him. Think about you too. What if something extraordinary happened to you? What if you crashed the car and had some catastrophic accident? How long would he be alone then? and for the child too......who would help him in any type of accident? Even putting his hand under a hot tap.

These are all exactly the sort of things I prepared my son for when at age ten I started leaving him for an hour or so - for no other reason than to prepare him for starting secondary school and all the necessary increases in independence that that brings.
I would hesitate at age eight but a lot depends on the child, the support available to him in emergency (how quickly can op get home, are there neighbours etc), are you sure he would wake for the smoke alarm etc. and, dare I say it, the surrounding culture. As this thread proves, in the UK it's virtually unheard of but in other countries and other eras totally normal. I was a latchkey kid from getting home from school till tea time from a similar age. My dad was left to his own devices (indoors or outdoors) from around the age of five 😲

TatterdemalionAspie · 27/12/2017 12:59

I think at what age and how long it's safe to leave a child home alone is entirely dependent on that particular child, and you know your child better than anyone else. Having said that, I do think that 8 is a bit young for leaving him asleep 2/3 days every week. The smoke alarm (right outside her room!) didn't wake DD at that age, so that would be my biggest concern, tiny as the chance of fire is.

I started leaving DD at home alone for short periods from the age of 8, gradually lengthening the time and distance I was prepared to be away, as she got older. Before I started leaving her, I drilled in her in what to do in cases of emergency, and we had rules that I was pretty confident she would stick to...

  • stay downstairs in the living room, only go upstairs to fetch something, come straight back down (to minimise possibility of getting trapped in case of fire).
  • keep the phone with you at all times.
  • in case of fire, don't go back in for any animals. Go straight into the garden, phone me/999 and call for help from neighbours.
  • smoke alarm went off or smell of gas/strange smell, into the garden and ring me.
  • no cooking whilst I'm out, not even toaster or kettle. To start with, no eating, either (my fear of her choking!).
  • if she answered the phone and someone asked for me, she was to say I was in the shower and I'd ring them back.
  • no answering the door.

As she got older, I relaxed the food and upstairs rules. She always had people she could ring, and there were always neighbours around if she needed help (she never did). I kept testing and re-testing her on the safety drills and rules.

I think it's fine to start leaving him for short periods, assuming that he's pretty sensible, likely to stick to your rules and not easily spooked - draw up your rules and routines, and start small. But I wouldn't start straight off with 6-11am, leaving him asleep and knowing he'll be getting his own breakfast etc, no.

Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adarajames · 27/12/2017 13:03

Another of those threads where people say 'just move houae' to be nearer family / support network, totally ignoring the fact the op is broke, in debt and moving costs hundreds and often thousands to move, and that's assuming you can find an affordable place elsewhere in first place! Some posters really do live in cloud cockoo land or just have no idea of reality of being broke!

TatterdemalionAspie · 27/12/2017 13:11

Which 'people' were I supposed to tell, Pengggwyn? Confused It wasn't a secret, no.

Kursk · 27/12/2017 13:11

If he is sensible and happy I don’t see a issue with leaving him. We live remote USA 15 miles from the nearest neighbors. DS 13 has been playing out in the woods on his own for 3-4 years now. I have left the him on his own when we have needed to get chores done

Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatterdemalionAspie · 27/12/2017 13:24

Well I didn't feel the need to inform someone every time I was leaving her for 20 minutes whilst I popped to the shop Hmm but my mum and DD's dad were always on the end of the phone if she fancied a chat with someone, and I'd checked with my near neighbours that it would be ok for her to come round to them if she needed something. I wasn't out at work - I was walking the dog/at the shop. If someone had asked where she was, I'd have told them.

Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatterdemalionAspie · 27/12/2017 13:39

Gosh, well, what a relief that you don't think it's comparable, Pengggwyn. [ hmm]

I told the OP that I didn't think what she was considering was a good idea; I was sharing the factors I considered and the measures I took when I started leaving DD at home for short periods, in the hope that it would be useful to her. I started leaving DD for 20 mins or so when she was 8 (going on 9), and this gradually lengthened to an hour or so over the next year, and so on. She's 14 now and is fine to be on her own at home most of the day if I need to be out.

Pengggwn · 27/12/2017 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

danTDM · 27/12/2017 14:01

Some of these comments are Hmm IMHO.

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