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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 8year old DS home alone?

513 replies

Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 17:23

After relocating for my STBX and him promptly leaving me and DS, we have no support network at all, really struggling for money and I have to find new employment (had been freelance)

Firstly, DS is a really sensible boy and has no problem fending for himself when I’m working (from home), has lots of indoor interests he busies himself with and knows what not to do.

Basically my AIBU is how unreasonable would it be to leave DS in bed on school holidays only, go to work for 6am (job is 15min drive away) and be home for 11am?

He will be asleep for at least 3 hours and has no issue with the idea himself.

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 26/12/2017 21:54

If you genuinely thought this was ok, you wouldn't be asking here.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 26/12/2017 21:54

Could you let your neighbours know so that he has someone to call on if anything goes wrong.
Don't think I would have done it but accept that this was normal a few years back.

Original poster
Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 21:59

If you genuinely thought this was ok, you wouldn't be asking here

And that’s exactly why I posted it in AIBU

OP posts:
BobTheGoldfish · 26/12/2017 22:02

Very much depends on the child. my eldest I left for an hour or so from about 7 (would be fine left till lunch at age 8) the youngest is a terror so needs more supervision.
Personally I was left to roam freely from around 7/8 on my bike so don't see a big issue.

FATEdestiny · 26/12/2017 22:07

I have a very similar DS.

He is 8 (9 in Sept). Very mature and sensible for his age, teachers regularly comment on this. I consistently promote independence through my parenting style.

He probably (theoretically) could manage on his own from 6-11am twice a week. But I would not consider doing this. Day to day, I wouldn't leave him on his own at all, not even for 10 mins.

It's not just about the practicalities. It's also to do with emotional responses. He's a child, he shouldn't have to cope even though he could. Ask an 8 year old if they'd rather spend the morning with Mum or completely alone - the responce you should always get is with mum.

StealthPolarBear · 26/12/2017 22:10

Good plan op. Good luck. I suggest a university student of you can find any whose parents live locally, I'd love the opportunity to force myself up and working early and would get so much done before your ds woke.

IrishElla · 26/12/2017 22:11

I have a very sensible 8 year old son as well. The thought of him having to wake up in an empty house would break my heart!

tiddliewinkiewoo · 26/12/2017 22:13

*RoderickRules Tue 26-Dec-17 21:45:44
@tiddie ‘leaving them alone for 5 hours is neglect - even if it isn't defined in law.

So says you!
Your word is not the law!*

well durrrh! didn't I just say that in my post? Hmm

Imagine if there's an electrical fault, someone comes knocking at the door selling teatowels/dusters as an ex-prisoner - just a couple of situations that an 8 year old child shouldn't be left to deal with. Absolutely shameful that any parent could excuse this or justify it - the child is 8!!

Bowerbird5 · 26/12/2017 22:15

I can't believe you are even asking. Don't be surprised if Social Services get involved.

StealthPolarBear · 26/12/2017 22:19

The op has said she won't do it

bobstersmum · 26/12/2017 22:26

Yabu.

OliviaStabler · 26/12/2017 22:27

I would do it. I’m from a different era though. I grew up in a time we weren’t wrapped in cotton wool

I agree with this.

demirose87 · 26/12/2017 22:29

No. My eldest is 9 and would be frightened if he was home alone for even ten mins. Too long and too young.

tiddliewinkiewoo · 26/12/2017 22:37

*OliviaStabler Tue 26-Dec-17 22:27:55
I would do it. I’m from a different era though. I grew up in a time we weren’t wrapped in cotton wool

I agree with this.*

Really? I grew up in a different era and cotton wool was the last thing I was 'wrapped up' in - it was never ok to leave an 8 year old child home alone for 5 hours and living on a council estate any parent who would have done that would rightly have had a phone call to 'the social'.

This thread has really opened my eyes to how some children are at risk from the very parents who supposedly care for them just to make their lives easier - no matter the risk

spurtions · 26/12/2017 22:42

I certainly wasn’t left at home at the age of 8 in the 80’s. I was part of a single parent family and I either went to my auntie or we had an Aupair or my grandma came over. OP, you have no choice, you need to pay for childcare for an 8 year old. My youngest will be 8 this summer, he will be with family or at holiday club. I wouldn’t even ask my 15 year old to look after him for a full day. Not that he wouldn’t be capable of doing so but because it isn’t far on him (but I’d happily leave the 15 year old in charge of the 8 year old from 6am - 11am). Maybe a student would stay over at you on your work days and stay until 11am, that could be an option but obvs you would have to pay.

OliviaStabler · 26/12/2017 22:50

Really?

Yes, really. There was no choice or alternative.

Original poster
Dailybastardmail · 26/12/2017 22:52

I appreciate all the points made and as I said, I’ll accept the job and see what happens. It’s not for another six months so I’ll work towards negotiating different hours or possibly relocating.

There’s been a lots of food for thought but the “I wouldn’t leave a 9 year old for 10mins” post just make me think we have very different children and attitudes to independence that it’s not a great benchmark either way because that strikes me as insanely extreme and sadly this is quite extreme the other way too.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 26/12/2017 22:54

I grew up in a time we weren’t wrapped in cotton wool

I was totally wrapped in cotton wool. I also grew up to be comfortable in my skin, independent, self-sufficient

It isn't always a bad thing Smile

Tessermee · 26/12/2017 22:55

I would spend the next 6 months getting to know some of the other mums at your son’s school and suggest some reciprocal care - I’m sure you’ll find some that are up for swapping childcare. I do this with my friend who works odd hours.

Cockmagic · 26/12/2017 22:59

I think it's too long sorry!

I often leave dd (9) home alone for 10 / 15 minutes to help her aging I dependence.

She's also allowed to play out round the block and go to her friends house for a few hours ( has a mobile on her).

I agree with not wrapping them in cotton wool, but that's agree long time to be left alone.

It's your conscious though...

Addictedtohavingbabies · 26/12/2017 23:07

My 9 year old isn't constantly attached to me, he plays out on the green outside our house, but I wouldn't ever leave him at home alone. I think it's neglectful.

theoldtrout01876 · 26/12/2017 23:09

I did it with 3 of mine, 9,8 and 7 Had to get themselves out to school cos the job I had to get to support us after my divorce started at 6 am. They had to let themselves in after school too cos it was a full time job. I couldnt afford the before school club or the after for 3 kids. The 3 month school vacation was interesting too.

If you feel hes up to it and its something you have to do, go for it, you really dont have a choice but to try , do you? Only you can decide if you would trust him. I did with mine and it worked fine.

RoderickRules · 26/12/2017 23:17

@tiddle This thread has really opened my eyes to how some children are at risk from the very parents who supposedly care for them just to make their lives easier - no matter the risk

By ‘making their lives easier’ do you mean ‘Avert homelessness’ talk about minimise the situation.
On my wage, in my area, there was no way I could afford an au pair or nanny, there was no childcare at the times I needed and places I could get to.
I don’t think you realise the complexities of NO HELP, NO FAMILY, NO MONEY, and all the responsibilities you share between family friends and paid help.
I’ve had a drubbing on here before for leaving my 9 year old with my 14 year old.
Because they are relying on me to provide.

I don’t ‘supposedly love’ my children, I love them with every fibre of my being, and do everything in my power to keep them safe and secure.

I hope you dont find yourself in a similar situation with people telling you that you ‘supposedly love’ or ‘supposedly care’ for your children.

Originalfoogirl · 26/12/2017 23:30

And that’s exactly why I posted it in AIBU

Which in itself shows A) you have questionable judgement and B) that you know it will put your child at risk.

Asking amateur legal minds on the internet if it would be ok is completely the wrong thing to do. Call SS or pop into your local police station and ask them. After all, when a neighbour or work colleague reports you, it is they whom you will be explaining yourself to in order to keep your child and avoid a prison sentence. Before "seeing how it goes" (on the basis that half a dozen parents in the internet said it's ok) take some real advice because the risk to your son goes way beyond fire or strangers.

You weren't asking AIBU, you were looking for at least one person to say it was ok.

Pluckedpencil · 26/12/2017 23:30

Sometimes needs must and if there really was no way round it, e.g. if it was tomorrow, you'd probably have to take the risk. But given it isn't a problem for six months, I would use those six months to actually resolve the problem! E.g DS goes to stay with grandparents for a month, you find someone who will work cheaply to come babysit in the mornings, you find a way to move nearer to your support network, you arrange childcare with ds' dad, etc. I wouldn't just think 'oh well, needs must' though. How far from family are you? Also what is your back up plan for work when Ds is sick? I think you need anyway some form of support network, paid or unpaid. The obvious place to look for that is his father.