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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

352 replies

sailorcherries · 26/12/2017 14:23

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

OP posts:
etap · 26/12/2017 14:26

This reply has been deleted

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MyRelationshipIsWeird · 26/12/2017 14:27

We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.

This is your answer. It doesn’t matter who the other guests want you to invite. You invite close friends and family only, have a small do and it the £12k on dresses, kilts and photography to a sensible number by shopping around. The fees are the smallest part of it, it’s all the fripperies that surround the event that push the cost up.

You can make it a lovely day without spending £20k on it.

trinity0097 · 26/12/2017 14:27

Why does to be be summer? Two teacher friends of mine are getting married the day before good Friday, so yes some people might have to take a day off, but it’s tagged to a bank holiday, so it’s not awful!

We only had afternoon tea at ours, no big dinner. Was great and everyone admitted they preferred leaving just before 6pm rather than late into the night! No need for seating plans etc...

SchoolMoney · 26/12/2017 14:27

Do small wedding and don't invite 100 odd people. They can expect away but you don't have to do anything.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 26/12/2017 14:27

Is it absolutely necessary to have all of those guests? Could it just be immediate family and closest friends?

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 26/12/2017 14:27

*cut the £12k

welshweasel · 26/12/2017 14:28

It doesn’t have to cost £12k!! You need to work out whatnks important to you. If that’s having lots of guests then you need to compromise on venue and food. It doesn’t cost very much to get married in a church (if that’s your thing) or registry office and there are some lovely ones around. Then look for cheap venues where you can self cater. Village halls, barns, a marquee in a field? Have afternoon tea rather than a sit down meal? Ask people to bring a bottle? You can get amazing wedding dresses for a couple of hundred quid.

If getting married soon with lots of guests is what you want then it’s totally doable.

Hauntedlobster · 26/12/2017 14:29

Just go midweek or for a Sunday, loads of people do it and if you’re as important to your guests as they are to you then it won’t be a big deal.

TeenTimesTwo · 26/12/2017 14:30

We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.

Why not work out what you can afford.

Then sit down with both your parents and say (but less bluntly):

  • we are getting married
  • we have a budget of this ... it can cover X guests
  • we know you might want A, B, C .... Z to attend, we can not afford that.
  • either you stump up ££ for the extra 80 guests, or we can't have them, it is up to you, we are happy with paying for all of it but we are not going above our budget.

Congratulations Flowers

kaytee87 · 26/12/2017 14:30

Just go to registry office / church with your immediate family then for a nice meal.

ButtMuncher · 26/12/2017 14:31

First of all, congrats. Second of all - you've been engaged a day. Slow down - I know you're a teacher and you need to pin down dates (esp as weddings are high peak in summer) but just relaxxxxx. Bask in the fact you're engaged and don't sweat the small stuff for a couple of days. Lots of people get engaged round this time of year so definitely think about dates, but you won't necessarily get commitments from venues etc until the new year as they too will be busy (xmas weddings etc). Give yourself time to enjoy itFlowers

TheReferoo · 26/12/2017 14:31

My goodness you’ve gone through all that and you only got engaged yesterday?! Small wedding, reception with a buffet at a local village hall, guest BYO booze - I went to one wedding like this and it was simple, cheap for both the couple and their guests, and just bloody good fun!

RatRolyPoly · 26/12/2017 14:33

Well here's the thing with weddings, they can never be perfect in every respect. And planning one with someone is all part of to the learning to compromise that will set you up for married life - or so the theory goes.

Personally I think the MN ideal of noone having to take a day off work or travel or amuse themselves for a day before the evening do would be an easier sacrifice than not inviting the people you want there, but it's all about your priorities as a couple.

EB123 · 26/12/2017 14:34

Find a pretty registry office, invite immediate family, go out for a lovely meal. Job done.

Marriage is about much more than a wedding,

Spottytop1 · 26/12/2017 14:35

I'm a teacher, I'm getting married Easter hols 2019.... all in for 70 guests ( ceremony,venue,drinks,meals
Dress, bridesmaids flowers, suits etc) less than 10K

I

Moanaohnana · 26/12/2017 14:36

You seem to have missed the point of getting married. This kind of money and number of guests is absolute nonsense unless you are loaded. If you want to be married, get married. It really is that simple.

Wishimaywishimight · 26/12/2017 14:36

We got married in Rome - we had 27 guests and paid for flights for our parents and siblings - still worked out a lot cheaper than getting married at home. We invited everyone we would have invited if getting married at home (c. 120 I think) but knew most people wouldn't make it so we didn't offend anyone by leaving them out!

Congrats on your engagement - it would be nuts to wait years to get married just because of what other people might think or want. Do whatever the two of you want.

DubaiismyBlackpool · 26/12/2017 14:38

E L O P E

Everyone will be pissed off, but everyone will get over it. Especially if the 2 witnesses are randoms off the street.

Essentially, a wedding is a big stressful expensive party. Keep the dosh you would've spent on the wedding for something really lovely instead.

harrietsoton · 26/12/2017 14:39

Sorry OP but nothing in your post justifies a 12k wedding, literally none of it is a necessity just ‘nice’. You need to go back to the drawing board and see how you can cut back and rearrange plans.

Pfftkids · 26/12/2017 14:39

Enjoy your engagement before you start stressing over a wedding.

And when it comes to arranging it tell your family you don't have the money to invite every person in your family to it. Unfortunately money doesn't grow on trees so don't get into debt just to invite family that your parent want at YOUR wedding.

Congratulations btw

parrotonmyshoulder · 26/12/2017 14:41

I am a teacher, we had 100 guests. We spent £3000 in total. Nothing else.
You are trying to create some sort of fairytale wedding. There’s no need.

neonpidgwidgeon · 26/12/2017 14:41

I got married a few years ago at Christmas, two days after we broke up for Christmas hols. Wedding was at 4.30pm so we just did one meal for everyone, no evening food. We have mulled wine and hot chocolate in the church after the ceremony and a sit down Christmas dinner at a nearby venue. The venue was just a new build village hall but we decorate with a Christmas tree and greenery. We had 120 guests and spent about 4k. You don't have to spend a lot. We could have spent less actually!

Trb17 · 26/12/2017 14:43

Lots of good advice above... but also ask yourself this:

What’s important?
The Wedding or the Marriage?

If it’s the Marriage then you’ll find a way.

ilovesooty · 26/12/2017 14:43

Work out the maximum you can afford and plan within your budget.

What an unnecessary fuss.

Graphista · 26/12/2017 14:44

Did you google "wedding venues" or "party venues" ? If so that's first mistake. Instead try "hall hire" "room hire" village hall, social club type places are MUCH cheaper, as is getting married in church or registry office.

My wedding was done on a very tight budget:

Church wedding - only costs were minimal admin costs small fee for choir which I wanted as I'd been a member as a child

Dress - bought off the peg then altered to fit, it's not just new dresses can be altered. But even for new there are times in the year they're cheaper than at others.

Grooms outfit - hired

Bridesmaids dresses - hired - as for brides gown possible to get new at certain times of year for reduced prices

Outfit accessories - from normal high street shops

Flowers - local florist did fantastic job

Cake - local bakers also fantastic job, now loads of people do this as a sideline now easily found on Facebook or recommended by friends. My mum uses someone like this for all the family birthday cakes and they're stunning

Hall decoration - bought in party shops and did ourselves, wasn't hard looked great

Photographer - was new to it but saw his portfolio and again did a great job plus now (my wedding was 20 odd years ago)

Stationery - did myself but there's loads of people do this kind of thing on etsy or through Facebook

Hair - just had my usual hairdresser do a fancy do, bonus was she knew me and my hair well and was able to suggest and do a great style perfect for me

Did my own make up. I have sensitive skin and don't like a heavy made up look.

Rings - h Samuel Grin not only cos cheap but they had a design that suited us.

DJ - friend of a friend

Venue - similar to a village hall so only had to pay for bar staff and cleaning crew.

Catering - had a buffet (LOTS of different dietary requirements, allergies and frankly fuss pots made it much easier) but admittedly it was kinda a favour through dads work hence cheaper. But again shopping around/recommendations or doing something a little different works

It CAN be done