I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

Could you get married at home OP? We did.

I was teaching when we got married, and just got married on a random weekend. We had a holiday the school holiday before and after (no kids back then) but as we already lived together fixating on having the honeymoon direct from the wedding seemed silly. You already have kids together so surely live together - even less need to bankrupt yourselves doing things in a way that was invented by couples expected to be sleeping together for the first time on honeymoon!

As others say if you want to be married just have a small registry office wedding asap with your parents and kids invited and nobody else, then save up for a delayed honeymoon. You've already done the home and kids so anyone carping at you for not doing things the traditional way now is being daft.

Your OH should not be starting his marriage putting the needs of his (larger family) first

I wanted to get married in Vegas but my mother had a huge strop. We instead spent 8k on our wedding and on the morning of it poor DH woke up very unwell and spent the day puking and passing out. I wish we hadn’t bothered and if we could do it again I’d honestly do a registry office wedding with just our parents, in a Monsoon dress, and then go for a good meal. Less than £500.

Congratulations on your engagement I hope you get the wedding you’re after.

It can be done much cheaper if you do things yourself. Our wedding was on a Saturday in May. We had 90 guests. Whole thing was 6k.

Wedding was in local church, reception in nearby hall. Hog roast and salads / potatoes (we made these) for dinner. Did a wine / beer trip to Calais and got all prosseco in Aldi. I made all the cakes, and amongst DH, our friends and I, we made all the decorations / invites etc. Playlist on iTunes - we got people to request a song on their RSVP.

The biggest expenses were - hog roast, speakers and lights, photographer.

It was hard work, but so, so much fun. Setting up the Hall and then clearing it all the next day sounds like a pain in the arse, but doing it all with our family and friends just added to the great memories!

I think you maybe need to spend more time looking. It cannot be the case that there is no where affordable in the central belt.

I couldn't be doing with the stress of finding jam jars/making tablecloths/buying in my own food/doing a buffet

The buffet for us was done by the same lady who made our wedding cake. She delivered it all to the venue too so that was no hassle on our part.

And I got 150 jam jars off eBay for a tenner. They've now done 4 other weddings apart from ours as friends borrowed them for their wedding then a couple more friends did too. Not sure where they are now though

Also an independent dressmaker (such as ones in dry cleaners) are cheaper at altering your dress than the wedding shop. Convenient for the wedding shop, they reduced my dress by £300 and the alterations by their in house dressmaker were £300. Apparently it had to be done in house as the dresses were delicate and fragile and needed specialist alteration. I got mine without alterations (after kicking up a fuss when they tried to insist they couldn't sell it me without alterations) and got it altered to fit for £75 at the dry cleaners by their dressmaker!

I understand the "4 guests or 100" view - you either invite none of one "level" of relationship or them all, we had 73 at our wedding and realistically while we could have cut 10 of those, we couldn't have had 40, it would have to be 10 guests or 60+ - it never works well to pick and choose between cousins!

Something has to give, can I suggest the thing that "gives" is wanting a few days off before hand?

Get married on a cheap weekend - delay your honeymoon to the next school holidays.

Other suggestion if you really can't face being in work on Friday and married on Saturday, is can you look at venues in northern England and so be able to find cheaper deals for when Scottish schools are on holiday but local English ones aren't. The Lake District might be a good compromise, for those who have to travel, at least there's lots of B&Bs so cheaper accommodation, it's easy to make a holiday out of it for guests but doesn't involve flight costs. (And realistically, you can then invite everyone knowing that a large chunk will decline, but can't be offended by the lack of invitation....)

£7,500 on food?

!!!!!!!!

We did a diy wedding for around £1000. Buffet at a local hall, get in a bar and let people buy their own drinks (maybe provide Aldi champagne for toasts). Invite people but they have to find and pay for their own accommodation if they need to stay over. If you'd rather have a hot meal hog roasts are pretty popular. Spending 12,000 when you can't really afford it isn't sensible. I know it's one day that you'll remember forever but you don't want to be paying it off for the next 5 years!

www.theboathouselochleven.co.uk/weddings-celebrations

etap - assume will be drinks as well, presume feeding 100 people 2 times, (possibly canapés as well), assume 50 bottles of wine, soft drinks, glass of bubbles for toasts, at £75 per head for 2 meals and drinks all day, including room hire (often £2k on its own in high season), that's not all that unreasonable.

The problem is wanting a school summer holidays or Christmas holidays wedding. These are expensive times to hold events.

Invisible if I get married in Scotland I do want a humanist wedding, I'd only have a civil service if I went abroad but thank you.

and etap the £7500 was based on an average of around £50-£55 for basic food options, £20odd for drinks packages and then evening buffets. Unfortunately a lot of the venues I had previously looked at didn't allow outside catering or offer alternatives to sit down meals.

The few venues I did see which were more DIY were extortionate (Byre at Inchyra, Kinkell Byre, Comrie Croft, Errol Park).

CBA to read 6 pages but guess I'm going to repeat others' comments.

You can get married at half terms, Easter, summer and Christmas hols.

Work out your budget. It's totally stupid imo paying thousands for people to have a meal and leave you struggling for years due to the cost.

I had 30 people - only closest relatives and friends- to a posh lunch in a 4* hotel.

It was fine.

Invisible it is due to the bloody dates. Peak seems to run March/April - October time, which takes the entire Easter, Summer and October holidays as well as the May and September weekend.
Winter weddings can, sometimes, be cheaper but again I don't want to compromise with the working until the very last minute part.

Which is why I want(ed) a small wedding or to bugger off somewhere.

You need to cut down the numbers and have one meal, no need for an evening do and all that palaver. At my wedding my parents paid for the lunch and wine for the meal, everyone bought their own drinks on top of that and my mum hosted a small party at their house afterwards for people who weren't at the wedding, while we left and went on our honeymoon in the UK.

People nowadays have lost sight of what a wedding is all about. like Christmas- too blinking commercialised.

We got married midweek, everyone we invited attended.

Aside from the partners of some friends, there was nobody there that my husband and I hadn't known for over 20 years (we were 40 when we got married).

We didn't invite any colleagues, or anyone that wasn't an active part of our lives. We didn't invite some Aunt's and Uncle's for example because as much as they are loved, we do not see them from year to year. We got a bigger cake and sent a photo and some cake to those that didn't attend.

We went to a lovely humanist wedding at the venue below, gorgeous location, wedding itself was outside, then reception in tepee type tents behind the wedding hut. It was beautiful and very different. A lot of the guests camped out overnight, this of us who are older ordered taxis back to local hotels! I have no idea of costs but I don’t think they spent a fortune.

www.logcabinravensheugh.co.uk

'I want(ed) Dubrovnik, Malta or a highland elopement. He wants to make hia family happy.'

And therein lies the problem. He's already got a family, yours and his children. That should be the priority. And waiting another 3-4 years? That's honestly just stupid considering you already have a family together and he wants some big ol' white wedding fairytale. I'd tell him elopement with immediate family or we stay as we are and don't get married. He's being ridiculous and silly. I don't get even being 'engaged' for 2 years as you are already planning.

You really just have to decide whether you want a big family do enough to pay for it.

Personally I think it's madness. Plan for a marriage, not a wedding. All that effort and cost for a wedding is really short-sighted.

You could easily have a lovely humanist service in the highlands -you, your partner, kids, plus and adult each as a witness, followed by quiet evening meal and overnight stay....then throw a party for family in a village hall with local caterers if you really feel the need for some sort of do.

A registry office wedding with witnesses (Perth registry office is lovely BTW) is about £300. Anything over and above that is a lifestyle choice, not a necessity.

Btw, here's a highland based celebrant, lots of different kinds of weddings on the fb page:

www.facebook.com/humanisthalde/?timeline_context_item_type=intro_card_work&timeline_context_item_source=512132869&pnref=lhc

I take it you’ve checked your entitlement to time off work for getting married? Here in NI teachers who get married during term time or half terms etc get 3 days paid leave. If you tag that onto a February half term or even bank holidays you can manage a decent amount of time off.

Tipis, marquees and the like are megabucks to hire. Lovely, but it would easily cost several thousand just for those and the accompanying lighting, portaloos etc.

For comparison, friends hired a music venue with a garden for £250 and the promise they'd have at least 80 guests (so the venue's bar still made a profit). These places exist if you seek them out.

Have you looked at any of these?

www.falkirkcommunitytrust.org/venues/boness-town-hall/prices.aspx

falkirktrinity.org.uk/index.php/venue-hire/item/51-main-hall

erskinecommunityhalls.co.uk

Even a "budget luxury" option

www.thethreekings.co.uk/premier-wedding-package

Ellington arms - cousin got wed there it's gorgeous!

Have you looked on Groupon? I found a venue for £1500 on there, included room hire for ceremony and reception, 3 course wedding breakfast, 4 glasses of wine pp, evening buffet and the bridal suite for 2 nights (we did night before and night of). Of course we had to get DJ, flowers, cake and attire on top but it's easy enough to find cheap deals on these as others have said. I certainly wouldn't be buying drinks packages - go somewhere with a bar and people can buy their own drinks! I'm a teacher and married in October, the weekend before half term. Went on honeymoon over the Christmas holidays. And I got married last year in what can be a very pricey area but we managed to keep costs relatively low mainly thanks to the Groupon deal.