I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

If you are BOTH set on traditional hotel wedding, went to a colleagues wedding at Eglinton Arms hotel in Eaglesham, just had a look on their price lists- they supply registrar etc and do it all from £55 ph so would be about £5k ish... Some of the ideas for smaller more intimate weddings sound so lovely though!

Congratulations! I’m a teacher in Scotland and we got married on a random weekend in September. It was a bit rubbish going back to work on the Monday, but it was better than spending thousands of pounds extra to be able to go on honeymoon straight away. I’d have a look at your holiday dates and holiday dates of local authorities further north. You might be able to find a weekend before a holiday which doesn’t coincide with a holiday in Moray or Highland, for example.

Go to a registry office with your parents and kids and siblings. Midweek is fine, they'll want to be there!
Have a party in a village hall for everyone else afterwards, or on another day if necessary, with a buffet and some speakers plugged into your iPhone for dancing. Buy a nice dress in the sales for £200.

I am absolutely astounded that you have managed to do all that research, gather all those costs and rule out all your local venues in less than 24 hours on a Bank Holiday so presumably without speaking to any of the suppliers. Especially when wedding suppliers are notorious for not publishing prices on-line.

Most suppliers will negotiate deals if you are getting married out of season, lots offer discounts for late bookings (or if you are filling a cancellation slot). Marrying in a register office/ community venue and then moving on to a non-licensed venue for the reception will save you money. Marrying during February half-term on a Monday will be cheaper than the same deal on the Saturday (one of our local venues it is £3k more expensive for the same all-inclusive deal for 100 guests on Saturday rather than a Monday in February).

Shop around and don't worry too much about inconveniencing guests. I wouldn't want a couple I loved to put themselves in debt/delay marrying for years just so I can join them for a plate of chicken and some fizz. I'd want you to get married and be happy.

£12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line

How do you get to 12k on those items?

I'm sure you can save some money there.

And you can have the wedding with siblings, parents and grandparents. If the parents want you to invite further people, then they can pay for the extra expense.
Stick to cheaper menus and purchase alcoholic drinks yourself.

Ah cross-posted

Have you looked at the Vu?

How about Sloans? Fantastic venue, people don't often think of it being a wedding place but I've been to two there now and both were fantastic. And very cheap. One couple did it there for under 2.5k - meal was a buffet and they did their flowers and decor themselves but it was really lovely. Being in central Glasgow also makes it really easy for people to travel and find affordable places to stay.

Hiring out the church hall brings in important funds for the church/local community. Many non-religious events use church halls, so that shouldn’t be a blocker.

We got married abroad (not technically an elopement as we told people our plans) and we had the ceremony in New York with no guests at all, just an officiant and a photographer.

It was blissful and I'd do it exactly the same if I were to do it over again.

My friend spent £2,000 on flowers (brides bouquet, three bridesmaids and table flowers)

I spent £100 (bride bouquet, maid of honour bouquet and 10 tables) because I used artificial flowers and did them myself. Plus I got to keep my flowers.

The table flowers were smaller arrangements of my flowers on jam jars with lace and burlap round the jars and battery tea lights in jars too.

Pinterest will be handy for ideas. Our wedding cake was a 9 inch sponge and 150 cupcakes with hydrangea and roses piped onto the top. These cupcakes were given out to each guest as desert after the buffet.

Our buffet was hot and cold and was £200 for 160 people, the wedding cake was £120.

My friends sit down dinner was 5 courses at 70 per head and she had 70 for the sit down.

1. Congratulations
2. You have kids. What legal protections do you both have - whose name is the house in? What insurances? If one of you goes under a bus how screwed is the other?

Stop farting about and get the legals done asap. Have a party separately.

I couldn't be doing with the stress of finding jam jars/making tablecloths/buying in my own food/doing a buffet, although I am full of admiration for those that can, and have been to some lovely weddings like this. I would just have fewer people. That's what I did!

And hardly a bridezilla. I don't want to pay £10+k, I don't want 100+ guests and I don't want a large wedding.

I want my children, close family and good food. Which is why I'm so down at the input from others already.

Thank you to the people who have mentioned a few places; if anyone else has suggestions please feel free to mention it to me or pm me. We're between Glasgow and Edinburgh :)

DB and sil got married on a Saturday in August and it cost them 3k. They had register office wedding, sit down meal and evening do with buffet for for 120 people. It was a lovely day.
The venue was a back street pub with a function room. It didn't look nice but they hired out the whole place and made it look fab inside. The sit down meal was a carvery which cut down on cost. They did all of the decorations themselves and place names, invites etc.
They had an issue that all of sils family live local to them and our family live all over the place but tbf nobody minded paying out for a hotel and they felt it was better for one side to have to pay out rather than both families.

Having a wedding on a Friday used to be cheaper but I think venues have cottoned on now and it's not such a huge saving.

We invited 20 people to our actual wedding and about 200 to the evening. Many of the evening people stayed the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding even though not invited to actual ceremony which was in same hotel. We wanted a small wedding and to be honest if people were offended then so be it.
Obviously we would have understood if people decided not to come over and attend evening do. We both have massive families and if didn’t limit to parents and siblings it would have been about 200 which we didn’t want.
It is your wedding so up to you!

specials ehm, not that it's relevant but we already have insurance to pay out the mortgage on the death or diagnosis of a terminal/serious illness of either of us; or if a child becomes ill enough to warrant full time care by either of us. The house is jointly owned.

Need a will sorted but more so for DS1 who isn't my partners to ensure his life stays as unchanged as possible should I die.

Sorry not getting where the leap from £7500 to 12,000 comes from unless you want a 4 grand frock? Like everyone planning a wedding you have to work out what your priorities are and cut your cloth accordingly.

From experience I'd say the amount you spend has no bearing at all on how much your guests enjoy it or how meaningful it all is.

Glasgow uni union, second hand kilts or ask the wedding party to wear/provide their own. It’s quite common.

Pipers tryst, look at Grangemouth, it’s a bit further out so cheaper.

Ceremony later in the day, so you're only feeding everyone once (or twice if you have midnight stovies, bacon rolls or similar). You can have a decent, generous buffet for £10 or so a head.

You have the advantage of being in Scotland, so with a celebrant you can marry pretty much anywhere. Have the reception in a hall; if the hall doesn't have a bar, have a chat to your local to see if they can help. Otherwise get a ton of wine etc from a wine merchants or supermarket. Your caterer may be able to help with serving (rather than selling) it.

It's all doable.

Also don't know what your top end budget/ furthest location is, but the Busby hotel (Clarkston) does a full package for about 5.5k for 100 guests which includes staying in their honeymoon suite which has a hot tub. Helped a bride get ready in there recently and it was fabulous. All you need to do that costs extra is sort out the celebrant.

We stayed there as guests and the room rates were very reasonable so we didn't mind, plus there are premier inns etc. nearby.

I've suddenly realised I go to a lot of weddings!!

Please enjoy being engaged for a bit x

Outdoor wedding on a Scottish beach/loch/glen. Fantastic scenery is free and even if the weather is shite, it can be unbelievably romantic. Invite immediate family and closest friends.

Look in the January sales for dresses - you can get them half price.

I got married last year. I wish I'd stuck to what I wanted rather than family expectations. They all had a perfect time, while I am full of regrets.

Congratulations btw!

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want.

You have two choices. Either get married in a way you can afford, or you have to wait a few years until you can afford to do it a different way.

Your married life will hopefully last for years and years. Your wedding day is just one day. It's my belief that spending £££££ on a wedding is a waste of money. Yes by all means have a nice day but spend what you can afford. If this means just a few close family and friends, that's what it must be.

A wedding is one day, a marriage is a life time. You have 2 children. Get married at the town hall or similar, go to your favourite restaurant with parents, siblings and your children and perhaps a best friend each. A holiday/ honeymoon with the kids and then get on with the rest of your life. Congratulations to you both. I wish you a long and happy life together.

caoriach Sloans is actually one of my top places!
I also hate the Vu and it's wedding factory feel, plus it's expensive haha.

lewj £12k total looking at the £7500 for food and then £4500 for everything else. And as we've spoken about it before the research was done before yesterday.

persp I researched beforehand; using multiple venues who do have prices available to get estimates.