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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

352 replies

sailorcherries · 26/12/2017 14:23

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

OP posts:
Donnerkebabbler · 26/12/2017 15:17

His family would never go for a smaller wedding?? Why are they being given a say?

EmilyChambers79 · 26/12/2017 15:17

Our wedding ceremony was family members and best friends only. Everyone else came to the evening.

Also, do not listen to those on here (none have arrived yet on this thread!) that are adamant that evening guests should be day guests too.

It's yours and yours partners wedding. Nobody else's. Do what you want, not what other people want you to do to. Importantly, do what you can afford.

Hauntedlobster · 26/12/2017 15:18

Maryhill borough halls, oran mor, the pond hotel, could hire a school hall for a Saturday

Graphista · 26/12/2017 15:19

I'm pretty sure I know where you are and there are certainly venues of the type I and others have suggested which brings me back to its really a case of that's not what you WANT not that they're not available. You don't have to get married in church to use a church's hall. Think you need to get more realistic.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/12/2017 15:19

No wonder you feel depressed. A wonderful occasion has already been affected by the sense of your choices being controlled by others.

It’s not their wedding (the other family members).

You are going to have to be brave in order to create the wedding you want, and stick to your guns.

You simply cannot afford the huge family thing (which would be an enormous waste of money even if you could afford it!).

Don’t be controlled. Which means - prepare for some pushback.

HerrHerrHerr · 26/12/2017 15:20

We had a similar sized wedding and paid about half that. Most of our budget went on the venue (all in one hotel package). Everything else we did cheap. I made invitations, did a 3 hour course and did my own flowers, a friend did cake instead of a present, another friend did favours. I got dress £100 from EBay. There’s a lot you can do on a budget when you really look into it.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 26/12/2017 15:20

Oran Mor is stupidly expensive

OP posts:
AstridWhite · 26/12/2017 15:21

That's a great compromise Daily

If you really don't feel you can leave anyone out and you feel the need for a big party then have a simple ceremony with just immediate family and a glass of fizz afterwards while some informal photos are being taken by friends. No real need to a formal photographer.

Hire a hall and have an evening shindig where you invite everyone. Get caterers in for a buffet. Provide the booze yourselves and get friends to take stints manning the bar. Hire a DJ or get a mate who is good with music to do a party playlist and hire some decent speakers.

One of the nicest weddings I went to was where the B&G had had a very small wedding with a handful of family then had a big country and bluegrass music themed reception in the evening, a week later. They did a DIY American style buffet with pulled pork and coleslaw etc, and got friends who were musicians to play live music with a disco afterwards. It was fab.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/12/2017 15:21

With 100+ relatives and friends... Are they all 'close'?? Think it's unlikely....

If you were in a sinking ship, how many of these people would you want to ring and say au revoir??

Do you want to save up /borrow money and pay interest for ALL these peoples: food?? If you do, then you do?

Of you'd prefer to not do this... Start cutting out these people you're not seeing regularly.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/12/2017 15:22

DH and I invited parents and siblings, married in a gorgeous local venue, then all went to a lovely pub for a meal afterwards. Cost barely anything and was done with minimal hassle.

It depends what’s important to you. We needed the money to set up a home and a future so had no intention of pissing it away on a big party. Nearly twenty years later we’re still married and still love each other - even without spending thousands on our wedding.

Wallywobbles · 26/12/2017 15:22

Wedding 1
60 people. Parents plus 6 of their generation. The rest siblings and friends.

In france so cheaper but lots of people for drinks and 60 for sit down meal.

Wedding 2 invited people at v short notice. Thereby reducing those who could come. Great solution.

WhooooAmI24601 · 26/12/2017 15:22

I had a bigish wedding, was alright but given the chance again, I'd do a church ceremony and pub lunch for close family afterward. DH and I have such a good relationship that the big wedding was irrelevant. It's everything that's come since which has been important.

This is perfect! OP, please don't get yourself into any sort of financial difficulty for the sake of catering to other people's needs. We had a big wedding in a castle and hundreds of guests, all sorts of fancy stuff with friends of parents invited, loads of other people's wants and needs being taken into account. Great day but if I did it again I'd have twenty or so of the people we love most and raise a glass to the rest with a party.

Don't think you have to please others, don't think you need to make everyone else happy. Congratulations, too!

hooochycoo · 26/12/2017 15:23

Our wedding was for 100 plus people and cost about 4.5 grand .
It can be done!

Did my own flowers, dress was in a sale, food we made the weekend before and friends helped serve it, deserts were potluck, photos was a friend, champagne we made ourselves etc...

Main expenses was venue ( a field beach and house) and marquée that went in the field. Older guests stayed on house, everyone else either camped or stayed at nearby b and bs. All our friend and family helped. A friend's band played!

Hauntedlobster · 26/12/2017 15:23

There are also quite a lot of day centres in Glasgow for the elderly with full kitchens, stages etc. They’re not used on weekends and with some decoration they could be perfect. You could just get in caterers - they have the perfect set up.

SantasButtCrack · 26/12/2017 15:23

Or, if you don't want a church hall, then there are loads of venues in Glasgow and Edinburgh that you can use.

Try Partick Burgh Halls, Maryhill Central Halls, Maryhill Burgh Halls, Reidvale Hall, Grassmarket Community Project, there are loads. Plenty of choice outside both cities too.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 26/12/2017 15:23

Graphista if you could message me those it would be most welcome.

OP posts:
harrietm87 · 26/12/2017 15:23

Our wedding last year was £10k in London in the summer for 95 guests, and planned in 6 months. Town hall service then reception in a pub (we hired a lovely room and garden) with hog roast. Had live group before food and DJ after. My dress was a sample and cost £300. No transport as reception pub was walking distance from town hall. Everyone had a fantastic day. All our London-based friends (c.3/4 of guests) were so happy it was local so they didn't have to fork out for transport and accommodation. It can def be done more cheaply than you think.

Wilburissomepig · 26/12/2017 15:24

This makes no sense to me.

We couldn't afford the wedding we really wanted either, lots of people can't. Surely if you explain to your parents that you cannot afford to do what's 'expected' then they'll understand and go with a smaller do. Is this for you and your DP or for them?

We got married for a lot less than 12k and I think you have to consider if the wedding is more important that the marriage itself. It's about priorities.

Hauntedlobster · 26/12/2017 15:24

Dresses try wed2be in the West End and daves bridal at braehead.

AstridWhite · 26/12/2017 15:24

I don't want a church wedding and therefore wouldn't use a church hall.

Why not? Confused Church halls are used for all sorts. I admit they aren't always the most attractive places so if you want somewhere plusher that's fine but don't think you can't use it just because there is no church wedding.

And they can be done up beautifully with a Pinterest board of inspiration and a bit of imagination.

Workingmamma · 26/12/2017 15:24

St Andrews reg office then Dairsie village hall at £7.50ph. Tablecloths were gingham bedsheets from Tesco (husband hemmed them), decorations lavender in terracotta pots dug up from garden and replanted after (could have used bulbs). Catering bought in from a St Andrews bar for savouries, puddings were donated by guests as our present request. Dress £20 from eBay (marked as water damaged stock, washed out nicely in the washing machine - if that hadn't worked we'd lost only £20). We made our own invitations, but whsmith do a lovely range at about £5.50 per 8. Asked best friend to matron of honour in whatever dress she'd wear again as our gift from her (she got a Boden sale dress for £45). Ceildh band £450. Brought a CD player and mix CD for during the meal. Sounds horrific, but so many guests told other folks (who told us) that it was touching. Everyone pitched in with washing the village hall frocks. Oh, bouquet bastardised from four £7.50 bunches at Tesco. Photos by friends and we amalgamated the best. Cake by my mum. Think that was all. Great fun. Played rounders in the village hall garden afterwards.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/12/2017 15:25

PS so you're paying over 60£ per person that is there??... Best part of 130£ per couple...
And 260£ for every family of 4...

?

You want to invite these people? Only you can answer...

Or go to a different venue

harrietm87 · 26/12/2017 15:26

Oh and I made the wedding cake which doubled as dessert, and we got the flowers from a market and arranged them ourselves in jam jars.

caoraich · 26/12/2017 15:27

Bloody hell. Where in Scotland are you?

I was recently at a wedding of two teachers, they picked the October holidays and had it not far from Edinburgh. Was very lovely, ceremony/meal/reception all in the one place with about 160 people there. Traditional meal and ceilidh. I know the couple well and it cost them just under 7k.

tampinfuminragin · 26/12/2017 15:27

Elope with your children and have a reception party back here with everyone? You would wear your dress again, the kids would wear their stuff again and you would only need a small cake and buffet for your 100 guests.