I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

Sorry but I'm in Scotland and find it VERY hard to believe there are NO village/town halls, social clubs, church halls anywhere near you

Sounds like you WANT the big fancy wedding, nothing wrong with that if you own it and pay for it. But don't be disingenuous.

Can you do it a bit more DIY if you’ve got friends willing to help? Hire a village hall or school hall (they were around £300-£600 when we got married 5 years ago), get a hog roast or pizza van that comes with serving staff and then do the official bit either in a church or registry office. With everything else decide what is worth spending money on and then find cheaper ways to do other things. For example I knew I wanted good photos so spent £800 on a wedding photographer but I wasn’t fussed about a designer dress so only spent £250 on the dress. Our wedding cost £5000 in total for 160 guests who all had a sit down meal, it can be done

He wants to make hia family happy.

Well that's your problem then isn't it, not your budget.

Your wedding is about the two of you. Not meeting family expectations.
Our wedding was small and simple. His family , siblings and cousins all had expensive traditional events.
We are the only ones still married.
His nan said she liked ours best because there was no hysteria.

We got married on the first Saturday of the school holidays last summer. London wedding. 120 guests for dinner and more in the evening. Church followed by champagne reception in church garden (meant no drinks reception needed at venue). Dinner at restaurant in the city - three courses and wine. Friend DJed. Cheap ish dress and friend made cake.

Total cost was less than £10000.
You can do it if you work out what’s important to you - for me it was venue, good and drink. And then forget about the rest! pM me if you want more info

I think the disappointment comes more from me having this idea of a small, intimate wedding somewhere beautiful ruined already by the expectation of a larger affair. And then realising we can't afford that.

Well you need to express to your other half that this is what's important to you - and he will need to meet you half way on this.

He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

Completely agree. Especially when you already have two children an have lived together for years. Why don't you just narrow the list right, right down? Have your nearest and dearest. Parents, grandparents, siblings their partners and children, a small handful of your very best friends. Unless you have massive families it can come in at under 30 people.

We had a fairly early morning register office ceremony, went back home to cut the cake and have some champagne then went to a nearby country house hotel for a lovely long lunch. That was it. It was perfect and didn't cost masses.

We had this issue and so “eloped” but warned family beforehand that we were going away to get married just the two of us, to save the hurt and upset.
We saved a fortune and our marriage certificate (the main goal of any wedding) is just as valid as it would have been if we had spent £thousands getting to the end result.

Just get married. That's what it's about it.

If other people want a party, they can sort their own.

I am also a teacher. We got married in a beautiful Georgian registry office. Then had an afternoon reception on a steam train with a catered buffet and Victorian carriages -for 100 guests, cost about £750. Then had a marquee in my in-laws garden for the evening do and the local pub did an amazing buffet. My mum's friend took the photos, another friend made the cake, we made our own handmade invitations, my dress cost £240. The whole thing cost less than £3000. Everyone said it looked like it cost a lot more but with a bit of ingenuity there's no need to spend a fortune!

Congratulations OP but people working in the wedding industry must rub their hands with delight when they see people like you approaching! I'm a teacher getting married in summer 2019. We are paying £250 for a registry office in a beautiful Grade I listed building then £29 an hour for a village hall reception which we decorate and get caterers in for.

It's all about calling in favours too. Luckily we know professional photographers and musicians who will do us massive mates rates. My mum's book group do baking projects and are going to do our cake. Think about who you know and favours you can pull.

Graphista we live in a commuters town between Glasgow and Edinburgh.
I don't want a church wedding and therefore wouldn't use a church hall. The chapel I can see from my living room doesn't have a hall.
We did look at Pollockshields Burgh Hall, Killearn Village Hall and Kinlochard Village hall.

I had a bigish wedding, was alright but given the chance again, I'd do a church ceremony and pub lunch for close family afterward. DH and I have such a good relationship that the big wedding was irrelevant. It's everything that's come since which has been important.

We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.

No. No-one expects anything of the sort. Unless you have parents who are willing to pay whatever it costs to invite everyone they've ever known do not start worrying about what other people expect. It's your wedding, you can do it as small or as big, as fancy or as simple as you want and can afford. Do what YOU want to do. If you are paying then no-one is entitled to be there, except your children.

Surely you are not close to all 100 aunts/uncles/cousins.

Invite those you see regularly to the main part, and the rest for the evening and make it a buffet.

A wedding can be planned for 100 people and doesn’t have to cost thousands.

Use some imagination and find a different pretty location, outside catering- live the afternoon tea idea ( it’s not the last meal your guests are going to eat

Off the peg dresses etc and forgo photographer and DIY flowers

Economy weddings are all the rage anyhow

YABU. You have 2 dc and have been together for a while? There used to be a CBBC programme where the children arranged the wedding right down to the outfits and within a 3 week period. Obviously with a lot of help. They were always fun and memorable. Maybe think outside the box a bit? Who really needs the big white meringue and uncomfortable suits? Why not do something fun?
A cowboy Hoedown
A Ceilidh dance
A themed party
Favourite characters from fairy tales, books, films...

You could really do something amazing instead of following the traditions.

Venues can be found from scout huts, brownie huts, village halls, farm shops, church halls, castles, schools, businesses, brass band halls. Barns from local livery yards, small holdings or farms.

Catering can be done by friends and family or local small supplier. Decorations homemade and dress second hand from agency or ebay.

You can make this so special and no where near as expensive as paying out for the ten-a-penny traditional route where you'll get charged like a wounded bull.
I know a couple who got married outdoors in a local stone circle and it was a lovely event.

Congratulations btw. Don't lose sight of the long term happiness and that £12000 would pay off a lot of mortgage, fund an amazing holiday and pay for all sorts of things of more benefit that one day of posing for photos.

Stop wedding planning immediately and make the most of being newly engaged. For goodness sake don’t let wedding planning ruin this lovely time and Christmas.

Out of the box, traditional weddings are expensive and can be very boring. Creative weddings don’t have be. Some of the lowest budget weddings I’ve attended have been the most beautiful and memorable.

Who are immediate family?

Invite them only to registry office.

Party later for everyone else

It’s easy to cut numbers when you put your mind to it....if you want to.

100 odd people... 12 k.
Bridezilla already.

We had the same dilemma. I work in education so couldn’t take time off. We already had a child and a mortgage, so weren’t looking to piss money into the wind. We were self funding any wedding, so no big pot of parental money to help us. Both have big families and the guest list was looking like minimum 150 for the day event.

In the end we just couldn’t be stars with the expense or hassle and had a tiny wedding - just our mums as witnesses in the registry office and our siblings joined us after for a slap up lunch. It was beautiful. No stress, were able to really go to town on a lovely meal and champagne afterwards (and a glorious honeymoon).

It depends on your priorities. But I wasn’t prepared to piss thousands away on a large but mediocre event. Very small, intimate and classy ended up being so much more wonderful.

Most towns in Scotland have at least two, and normally more, church halls. They might not appear on google but you might have more luck asking people you know who go to church, or checking local newsletters and that sort of thing.

We saved on ours by...

Having minimal wedding party
Not having cars
Keeping flowers to a minimum
Using word of mouth/contact to help find a hall, alcohol and a caterer
Having a buffet rather than a sit-down meal
Having a cake that doubled as one of the courses
Avoiding the fancy wedding shops when dress shopping

If you start off by looking at bridal magazines and doing searches for weddings, everything you'll find will cost a fortune.

If your OH's family are insisting on a big wedding with all the trimmings then it seems reasonable that they'll contribute.