I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

...and yes I deeply regret not putting my foot down!!

Please don't expect parents to pay!!!

Search forums for a few hints of unusual venues beyond the first google results.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/local_edinburgh/1261804-Small-Wedding-venues-in-Edinburgh

Getting married at 4 then having a wedding where everyone gets invited to a party with hot buffet reduces the budget massively. The traditional wedding breakfast is usually the biggest expense

Have a late afternoon wedding. My friend had a 4pm wedding in a hotel and then had a bbq which was done for around 6pm by the time the ceremony, photos, speeches, cake etc was done - just left enough time for people to have a drink ready and it was served by catering staff like a buffet.

Great minds @backboiler

debbs where did I say I expected anyone's parents to pay!?

Surprised by number suggesting a buffet. Can’t stand them myself! Lots of beige food, queueing, pain in the arse balancing with wine glass.

Nice food is just about the only thing i remember from weddings, and I’m not remotely a foodie!

Why be surprised? Lots of people like them and they're cheaper because they need less staff. They also don't have to be beige, indeed a hot buffet is sometimes less expense and fuss.

The nicest wedding I've ever been to was also one of the cheapest.

The wedding was in a church, the reception in a village hall a few miles away. There was a buffet for the meal which was amazing value for £10-12 ph. There were about 60 for the meal and another 40 for the evening. DJ was a colleague, photographer was her brother's best mate. We did a day trip to France and filled 3 estate cars with wine and champagne.

The bride got her dress for £10 on Ebay, skilfully altered my her mum to look stunning, she had her usual hairdresser and did her own make-up. A friend who had been a florist got up early, went to the flower market and did the flowers as a gift. Her mum made the bridesmaids' dresses as a gift, her grandparents paid for the wedding car as a gift.

She made bunting herself from packs of remnants and they put up white fairy lights (borrowed) across the roof beams. She did the table flowers herself - wildflowers that a few of us had been out and gathered the day before, arranged in jam jars. Her wedding favours were glass ramekins filled with homemade fudge, topped with lace doilies and tied up with coarse string.

It was absolutely idyllic. The village hall was surrounded by playing fields where the kids could run about and had a little swing park to keep them entertained. The best bit was a surprise even for bride and groom: two colleagues who have horses stabled nearby came down and did pony rides for all the little ones. Her favourite wedding pic is her 3 year old daughter, wearing a bridesmaid dress and a huge grin, sitting aside a skewbald pony.

Wishingandwaiting - because you can sort a buffet for around £15 per head, whereas they are probably looking at anything from £30-65 per head for a sit down meal. It's not just the more expensive food, generally it's food that takes more labour hours to make, and then more serving staff needed.

Hot buffets/hot roasts are popular as they are a fraction of the cost, but a way to serve everyone.

The OP can not afford a sit down meal for 100 people. If your family/friends have all been able to afford that at weddings, great, but the OP can't. This is a way she can still invite everyone she wants.

I do not get this weddings costing ££££s. I got married ten years ago at a very chic central London register office for £37. I have just checked and the same place now costs £54 on a Monday, a bit more on other days.That is for up to 28 guests. If you want to accommodate 100 guests then the large chamber room costs £360. We had our reception at a nearby pub, which was free to hire the function room as long as we put at least £300 behind the bar, which we did plus a bit more. We pre-ordered bar snack type food, which was another 200 quid. Dress and rings were from eBay, no flowers, no cars (we treated ourselves to taxis on the way, but got the tube home), no photographer - my brother took some lovely unposed pics throughout the day. We also specified no gifts.

It was less than £1000 all-in and it was perfect, nothing I would change at all.

I was also a teacher at the time, we got married in the Whitsun half-term and honeymooned later in the summer. But governors often grant extra leave for marriages, we have recently given a member of staff at my children's school an extra week off to go on honeymoon after her Easter wedding.

But at £15 a head for 100, isn’t that way over the OP’s budget as it stands?

Better off calling numbers and really treating herself, new husband and their closest friends and family to a really special meal. So much more memorable and special in my opinion.

Then writing personal letter to those who would have expected an invite along the lines of....

Dear X

We’re getting married Blah blah blah, desperate to be husband and wife as soon as possible, but finances can only stretch to a small gathering at this time, but your absence will be sorely felt and it would be lovely to get together for a catch up as soon as possible.

Calling should read “culling”

My teacher sister got married on a Saturday in term time. She didn't have any time off. It's not impossible.

My venue hunting tip is widen your search area, and look up applications for venue licenses with the local authorities - you can see venues that are new, without bookings and usually lower prices.

Oh and waiting will not help your wedding budget. Sites that advertise their prices show that wedding venue costs suffer from especially high inflation.

If you spoke in depth prior to getting engaged how did you manage to forget about the christening, holiday and income halving?!

You sound like you are throwing your toys out the pram and despite saying you don't want a big white wedding you are rejecting any solution anyone offers you.

There is a happy medium to be found between jeans and a Vera wang dress!

Poor guy must regret asking now.

Registry office. Hire venue and source your own caterers, decorations, flowers - pinterest is your best friend.

We hired a barn for a reception and just got some caterers in. We have about the same number of guests as you. Quite a bit cheaper!

The christening itself won’t cost anything though. Why not get married at the registry office a few days before the christening and the christening party - which must be the costly bit - can be a wedding party as well?

Nicknacky

We spoke about venues, guest lists and looked at prices. We didn't go through it with a fine tooth comb but it's quite easy to do a number multiplied by 100.

I'm not rejecting and earlier on in the thread I was looking for suggestions. Now however even those suggestions are too expensive. As I've said many many times.

And no he doesn't. Since I postes yesterday about our change in circumstances we've agreed on that and it's done with. We have not went on and on like this thread. I know some posters are being helpful but some are just wanting to stick their two cents in.

OP have you looked at New Lanark - the world heritage site? They do packages from £3K for 40 people and that includes food, drinks, evening buffet, venu hire, etc. It's beautiful - I've been to several weddings there.

I love New Lanark but didn't notice that package!

Or have you thought about heading to Gretna Green? You can do it small, beautifully, and relatively inexpensively at GG!

We got married on a Friday, even with 4 months notice most of our guests managed to attend Just get married mid week,if your guests want to come they will

New Lanark pricing. Their wedding coordinator person is called Lindsay and she is an absolute peach, sailor. Really friendly and helpful if you fancied making a quick phone call for any info. I'm sure she would send you out a brochure if you asked

Congrats btw!

This is why we got married abroad. Two witnesses. Then a party at hotel in home own with buffet and free bar so people didn't have to fork out but could still share our happiness. 3 grand all in and not an argument in sight!