Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriends at Christmas..

170 replies

CrabappleCake · 26/12/2017 10:14

Had a houseful yesterday. Including for the first time both my dh boys’ girlfriends. Both boys in their 20s.

One girlfriend has been going out with him for about six months, bough a couple of nice little gifts and a bottle of wine. The other bought nothing, known her for three years. She guzzled the wine and the food and I’m not sure she even said thank you. wIBU not to invite her again?

OP posts:
Userplusnumbers · 26/12/2017 13:08

I like to invite my family round and host them because I genuinely enjoy their company. Lovely if they bring a gift, but if they asked in advance, I'd ask them not to bring anything.

Curious OP about who is expected to bring gifts? DSS not, GF of three years yes. Would it make a difference if they were married? What if they weren't married, but had been together 15 years?

Tinycitrus · 26/12/2017 13:09

It’s a funny business.

Dp and I -together for 25 years with 3 kids - were told off in front of entire extended family one NYD for not bringing anything. MIL had perhaps enjoyed a few too many proseccos over the days between Xmas and new year.

We turned up empty handed because I had been at work all week, dp had been working from home while looking after kids and we had run out of food on the bank holiday - lunch was beans on toast. I was exhausted.

What started out as a telling off fir not bringing alcohol or choc (the kitchen was full of sweets and treats) then turned into character assassination. Then DP has to open his birthday gifts (a paella pan and a laminator) in silence in front of silent family.

It was certainly a lesson - you could just assume your family is happy to have you there to celebrate but beat in mind that many will be silently totting up what you have/haven’t brought and will hold it against you.
(We actually took round six bottles of expensive wine on Christmas Day but no one noticed!)

It’s coloured our relationship with hhs family I find it impossible to relax when I’m there now, feeling like an imposter. Sad

MLMsuperfan · 26/12/2017 13:10

If I invite someone to my house for a meal I have ZERO expectation that I will receive anything in return.

Similarly if I receive a gift or invitation I would prefer that it is given no-strings-attached, otherwise, please don't bother.

flowery · 26/12/2017 13:16

”See, in my circle it would be considered pretty rude to show up with host gifts when visiting family or really close friends who are considered family. Way too formal. Showing up with something you've been asked to bring eg. dessert, fine, but showing up with flowers or wine is too...distant.”

Yes I agree. I don’t see my brothers very often but I think if any of them show up with something like that I’d want to say “What have you brought that for? It’s me, you narna!”

HerrHerrHerr · 26/12/2017 13:17

If anyone comes to a party at my house they don’t need to bring a gift, if they do then that’s lovely but it’s not expected.

Interesting how the OP still hasn’t mentioned what her sons brought to the party?

PositivelyPERF · 26/12/2017 13:19

I'm actually sitting here laughing at the posters comments to KathArtic. 😂 I bet Kath is very subtle but also believes in telling it as it is, not being rude if course. 🤔😄

RedDogsBeg · 26/12/2017 13:32

The OP is not going to tell us what, if anything, the stepsons brought or did to help, they obviously have the magical 'get of jail free card' by dint of them being men.

Also, if the OP doesn't invite her again then it is unlikely the stepson who is with her will come again.

I agree with several others on here, if I am hosting I neither want nor expect anything. I am hosting because I want to, I want their company nothing more nothing less and for them to enjoy a relaxed, happy time and eat themselves silly on the food I have bought and prepared for them.

Plus, judging by the many threads on MN, whatever someone brings is never good enough.

2sly4you · 26/12/2017 13:32

I got to my mid-twenties before I was told that it was bad form to arrive empty-handed as a guest. My family never taught me that and all my prior social arrangements had been BYOB sort of things, so it just never came up.

FeistyColl · 26/12/2017 13:32

PositivelyPERF , KathArctic seems to have confused passive aggressive for subtle.

I have no doubt she believes in"telling it as is" but my issue is that she seems to also believe that she is the unilateral arbiter of good manners. And she isn't.

MrsDilber · 26/12/2017 13:33

Yabu. I wouldn't let it bother you, a decent relationship with your boys and their partners is more important. I think you really grow up in your early/mid 20's, I'm a totally different person now than I was then. "Thank you for having me" doesn't cost anything though, doesn't require any forethought.

LucilleBluth · 26/12/2017 13:37

Why can't the young women be rude....to not say thank you is rude. We would all be saying the boyfriend of a DD is rude if he didn't say thank you.

abilockhart · 26/12/2017 13:37

I didn't mean for the OP to go into her face about it, just a casual mention in conversation

"....everyone help yourself to the lovely the shortbread biscuits 'Meghan gave us yesterday...."

"...Meghan these truffles are delicious, it was so kind of you to bring them yesterday. Tracey you must try one..."

So Meghan brought goodies but Kate arrived empty-handed again?

Busy scrolling back....

KurriKurri · 26/12/2017 13:39

By the time my DS and his GF had been going out for three years anything they gave us at Christmas was a joint present - I would never have even thought of them buying separate things for us - I didn;t see her as a 'guest' she was family and between them they bought presents, food drink etc.

The first Christmas we knew her, when they'd only been going out a few monhts, she bought us a separate gift.

So pretty much as your 2 step sons - one is in a new relationship. and the GF bougth gifts, one is in a long term relationship and I would consider anything they brought with them to be from the two of them.

I presume by 'guzzling' you mean that she sat on the sofa with the bottle to her lips knocking it back, (that's what the word implies to me) - I agree that was slightly odd behaviour - perhaps you should have offered her a glass.

flowery · 26/12/2017 13:49

”I presume by 'guzzling' you mean that she sat on the sofa with the bottle to her lips knocking it back, (that's what the word implies to me) - I agree that was slightly odd behaviour - perhaps you should have offered her a glass.”

GrinGrin

Halfdrankbrew · 26/12/2017 14:01

I don't think you should expect gifts and even if you did why have you pinned this on the gf, if they've been together 3yrs all gifts are joint. The son and gf showed up empty handed, not just the gf. "She consumed the same as everyone else", you clearly just don't like this poor girl.

I do agree you should say thank you for cooking though, that is basic manners, but did everyone at the table say it? Someone usually says it at the table and we all agree and say it too and on leaving you say thanks again.

FeistyColl · 26/12/2017 14:12

Op says "I'm not sure she even said thank you"

So we can't pass any opinion on that as op doesn't know. It reads as if she was already so affronted by the lack of present that girlfriend had been found guilty of rudeness by the time she started eating (hence use of the word guzzling)

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 15:00

So our gifts to my PIL are just from DH and not me, then?

You’re married. If the son’s gifts to the OP and her DH were from both of them, she would have mentioned it as she mentioned that the other gf brought gifts.

I’m sorry I don’t have the patience to explain manners and social nous to people on the internet who don’t have either.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2017 15:13

After three years id expect any gifts to have been from both of them.

Do all unmarried couples have to bring double the stuff or be considered rude Confused

If the food and drink isn't for eating and drinking what's it for?

If you are going to bitch and moan for the love of god don't bother bloody inviting people. Unless you are going to drip feed that she sat with a bottle of champagne and a straw and you all had to eat vege cos she took the turkey upstairs and refused to share?

After three years to be honest they'd be family. So not necessarily the "making a good impression " gifts all the time however too could chuck them.a tea towel or ask them to make eveeyone some turkey sandwiches.

oliveinacampervan · 26/12/2017 15:40

@flamingoparty

Sounds like they are just young and need a bit of hinting and reminding.

Yeah next time, say in the invite.........

'Dear future DIL; come to my dinner party next week, but make sure you bring me a pressie, and don't guzzle too much of my food like you did last time, you greedy little fucker.'

If you are going to bitch and moan for the love of god don't bother bloody inviting people. Unless you are going to drip feed that she sat with a bottle of champagne and a straw and you all had to eat was veg cos she took the turkey upstairs and refused to share?

This ^

theEagleIsLost · 26/12/2017 15:41

Presents are awkward.

I was brought up to take something however I've come a cropper with ILs.

I found presents I bought and paid for DH was being thanked for - and it was assumed I hadn't got anything for them. So I stopped and left it to DH - this time opposite happened Hmm.

MIL never thinks to take gifts. Had a few times her hand over our gifts and forget to mention it was from us Hmm.

Last time was a delayed wedding reception weeks after couple had married abroad and I'd not been told we were expect to attend so gift was very much a token. MIL took it over day before when I was out room five minutes so it wouldn’t inconvenience them on the night. It never came up it was from us – even when she was thanked for it in front of us.

flowery · 26/12/2017 15:45

”I’m sorry I don’t have the patience to explain manners and social nous to people on the internet who don’t have either.”

GrinGrinGrin

Don’t think I’m interested in learning about manners in your world really, where people aren’t family unless they’re married. My family and friends aren’t like that and if that means we all lack manners and social nous that’s fine by me.

flowery · 26/12/2017 15:52

I would consider it to be very ill-mannered to treat an established partner as not being part of the family just because the couple had chosen not to marry. You know, what with it being 2017 and all...

Runningwithscissors12 · 26/12/2017 15:56

I'm with those who want to know why your son didn't bring anything 😊

Tink2007 · 26/12/2017 16:08

If they arrived as a couple surely your son should be getting a moan as well because a gift would have been from them as a couple not just her as his girlfriend?

Let’s hope the poor girl doesn’t marry into the family.

MarshaBradyo · 26/12/2017 16:11

She’s probably just following your son’s lead

Swipe left for the next trending thread