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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriends at Christmas..

170 replies

CrabappleCake · 26/12/2017 10:14

Had a houseful yesterday. Including for the first time both my dh boys’ girlfriends. Both boys in their 20s.

One girlfriend has been going out with him for about six months, bough a couple of nice little gifts and a bottle of wine. The other bought nothing, known her for three years. She guzzled the wine and the food and I’m not sure she even said thank you. wIBU not to invite her again?

OP posts:
AppleTrayBake · 26/12/2017 12:18

she should take something like bottle of wine, flowers, chocolates whatever.

Not the norm in my family. We invite people because we like spending time with them, I don't want 14 boxes of chocolate. If I want people to bring things, I'll ask.

Expecting gifts is rude, it's not why you invite people into your home.

PineappleScrunchie · 26/12/2017 12:19

These sort of expectations are why BOTH DH and I prefer spending time with my family than his. It’s much more relaxed, informal and FUN.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2017 12:20

No, AppleTrayBake isn't missing the point at all, Tatiana, you are, and having to resort to 'brought up in a barn' insults.

Take it as a difference of opinion if you like, but no need to be rude.

Ellisandra · 26/12/2017 12:21

Just talk to your son.
For all you know, she said "shall I bring xyx?" and he said "no".

Gammeldragz · 26/12/2017 12:26

At that age it wouldn't have occurred to me. I grew up in poverty and quite socially isolated, we never went to people's houses really and so I never saw any of this gifts for hosts thing.
I spent christmas with a BF's family at 17 (and thought they were super posh as they had shloer!), didn't occur to me to take anything and I had no money anyway... When DH and I got together I noticed his family always brought something if they came for dinner or to Christmas and realised it must be a thing. I'm still no where near as thoughtful as them though!

Chattymummyhere · 26/12/2017 12:26

Can’t say I ever took my in laws a present for inviting me for dinner in the over 10 years I’ve been with dh. It’s not the done thing in my family if someone invites you it’s because they want you there. Dh wouldn’t of gone without me anyway. I always help gather up the dishes and what not though at the end of the meal and help dish up if required because its a all hand on deck 10+ people meal.

Oblomov17 · 26/12/2017 12:30

I would say to my ds that I was upset she never said thank you. That would bother me the most.

And that she never thought to bring anything. A £1 box of maltesers would have sufficed.

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 12:34

AppleTrayBake isn't missing the point at all, Tatiana, you are, and having to resort to 'brought up in a barn' insults

She completely missed the point, which is that taking something for your host has absolutely nothing to with what they need for that meal. It’s courteous in view of the fact that they are providing a meal.

The barn comment was not rude it was just a joke.

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 12:35

Nor is the issue expecting a gift. I as host I never expect anything, as a guest I always expect to takes something. That’s how it works.

Original poster
CrabappleCake · 26/12/2017 12:36

Not ignoring the thread sorting out oven which broke yesterday and the friend’s dogs we’ve got staying.

Anyway thanks for all the input. First off I do like her. I was having a winge here on the internet.

Second I’d have taken a bottle or something small round at Christmas if visiting my boyfriends parents. But obviously from the responses here that’s not a universal thing and that’s useful to be reminded of.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 12:37

Why would the Christmas presents only be from him? confused Has the OP specified that the sons live there, and therefore aren’t also guests?

Because OP and her partner are his relations not hers. So he gets them a Christmas present, she doesn’t have to get gifts, but she should take something for their hospitality.

LastOneDancing · 26/12/2017 12:39

I bet £100 she said to the son 'Do I need to bring anything?' And he said 'No, mums got everything'.
And then as soon as they were on their own she was mortified and said 'other GF bought presents and wine. I'm so embarrassed' and son said 'don't worry about it'.

Or maybe not. But there's two sides to every story and I bet next year she brings something.

BringOnTheNewYear · 26/12/2017 12:40

You still haven't said what the boys' (men?) contributed.

Why did you assume it was the womens' responsibility? Surely they, as couples, would have brought something as a couple.

If I were going to my boyfriend's house for dinner with my boyfriend (e.g. he didn't live there anymore) and I wasn't taking a 'gift', then I would assume it to be equal responsibility.

flowery · 26/12/2017 12:41

”Because OP and her partner are his relations not hers. So he gets them a Christmas present”

So our gifts to my PIL are just from DH and not me, then?

No. That’s not normal and is a strange thing for you to assume IMO. Neither you nor I have seen what was on the label of the OPs Christmas presents. In my world, it would have been from the couple and would have been strange to only be from the son.

KathArtic · 26/12/2017 12:44

Wow, calm down you lot. There are obviously some posters who are unable to do subtle which is evident by the way they have posted on here! Manners cost nothing and bringing your host a few gifts is a life skill some don't have.

I didn't mean for the OP to go into her face about it, just a casual mention in conversation

"....everyone help yourself to the lovely the shortbread biscuits 'Meghan gave us yesterday...."

"...Meghan these truffles are delicious, it was so kind of you to bring them yesterday. Tracey you must try one..."

mygrandchildrenrock · 26/12/2017 12:54

I have a large family, 5 adult children and their families and 1 teenager. I host a lot and would never expect family to bring things. They are bringing themselves, grandchildren and giving me their time, which is worth more than any presents.
I never think that families need to bring gifts to other family members.

GrooovyLass · 26/12/2017 12:56

1st Christmas I was with DP I gave my own presents to his parents. Every year after that my name has gone on his presents to them. After 3 years together I would assume that any gifts from him were from both of them.

Unless you mean a house gift rather than a Christmas present - ie a contribution to the food/drink. In which case I still think it's his responsibility not hers.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 26/12/2017 12:58

I'm guessing the op doesn't mention what the boys brought because they brought nothing.

We normally take something with us to PILs, but I take guidance from DH about what that should be, normally he sorts it.

Op, your son may well have told her she didn't need to bring anything. If your son lives at home so that he didn't feel the need to bring a gift, then she may well have viewed as your son hosting her, not you.

(If he doesn't live at home and they arrived as a couple, I would presume they would bring a joint host gift, if he didn't feel it was appropriate then that is your issue, not her)

kmc1111 · 26/12/2017 12:59

See, in my circle it would be considered pretty rude to show up with host gifts when visiting family or really close friends who are considered family. Way too formal. Showing up with something you've been asked to bring eg. dessert, fine, but showing up with flowers or wine is too...distant.

PineappleScrunchie · 26/12/2017 12:59

Oh that’s super subtle Kath and not rude at all...

pictish · 26/12/2017 13:00

"There are obviously some posters who are unable to do subtle"

""...Meghan these truffles are delicious, it was so kind of you to bring them yesterday. Tracey you must try one...""

How ironic Kath, because that's about as subtle as a smack in the face with a wet fish. Suggest you learn subtlety yourself before being arch to others about what it entails. Jesus!

FeistyColl · 26/12/2017 13:03

KathArctic you are making a value judgement that not everyone shares.

My family members do not bring each other gifts when hosting. This is not because we are lacking manners or life skills. It is how we do things in our family.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2017 13:03

KathArtic, I can't imagine any partners of your children wanting to be hosted by you at any time if that is really how you are. I agree with pictish, you don't understand 'subtle'.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2017 13:05

As subtle as a brick Grin

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 26/12/2017 13:06

If i had been with a partner for only 6 months and we were spending Christmas with his family, I would have took something from me. And indeed I did the first Christmas I spent with my now ILS.

After 3 years, we are an established couple, hence gifts etc would be from an "us"

I sort out for my side, Dh sorts out from his side, but gifts etc are from both of us. And it has been that way since we spent our second Christmas together. And I would have expected him to sort out what needed sorting out, depending on what was normal for HIS family.

So, again OP, since you cannot answer it, what exactly did your step son bring with him?

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