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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriends at Christmas..

170 replies

CrabappleCake · 26/12/2017 10:14

Had a houseful yesterday. Including for the first time both my dh boys’ girlfriends. Both boys in their 20s.

One girlfriend has been going out with him for about six months, bough a couple of nice little gifts and a bottle of wine. The other bought nothing, known her for three years. She guzzled the wine and the food and I’m not sure she even said thank you. wIBU not to invite her again?

OP posts:
Unihorn · 26/12/2017 10:53

My family don't bring stuff to each others' houses or exchange presents so it probably wouldn't have occurred to me if I were her in this situation. And I would probably assume my partner would sort something if it were for his parents. I don't think she's been massively rude or anything. Everyone does Christmas differently.

mummmy2017 · 26/12/2017 10:54

Good manners decree NEVER arrive empty handed...
Sorry but it's true.
We always take a small item, if it's a celebration, I mean how hard is it to pop into poundland...
Flowers and a bottle of wine is my normal gift, or I take sweets for my friends children...

MsJuniper · 26/12/2017 10:56

I think @KathArtic was jesting that the OP may have been Her Maj.

Jellybean85 · 26/12/2017 10:56

Ooh in our family it's the son/daughters responsibility to buy for their own family and that's how we all do it, so if we're going to DHs family it's his job to sort wine and any appropriate gift, if we go to my family it's mine, I know my parents/siblings have same approach so if a couple turned up empty handed in this case it would be sons fault. Not sons gf!!

AnyFucker · 26/12/2017 10:59

kath I would judge you far harder for that patronising bullshit behaviour than some thoughtless young girl not thinking to bring some plonk

FairyLightsQueen · 26/12/2017 10:59

@crabapplecake

YABU. It's Christmas! What did you do, sit there/stand there observing how much she 'guzzled?' How rude and unpleasant. Hmm

And why are you not answering the people asking why you think it's HER responsibility to bring something? Hmm

I fear for the future of your sons wives if this is the attitude you have instilled into them; that the woman should do everything! Hmm

pictish · 26/12/2017 11:01

Same here AF. Teach her manners by picking favourites and shaming her? Very childish and vindictive.

mum11970 · 26/12/2017 11:02

I don’t expect contributions from my kids other halves, or friends even, when they visit. I no more expect my dd’s 17 yr old bf to bring anything than I expect my son in law and grandkids to bring anything.

Rebeccatheold · 26/12/2017 11:02

If this is the accepted thing to do in your family then your DS/SS should have organised it.

It’s clearly not expected in every family and people aren’t mind-readers.

Lollipop30 · 26/12/2017 11:05

After 3yrs together I wouldn’t have taken anything to Xmas dinner with OHs parents. WE would have taken their gifts but that’s all. If I invite someone to dinner it’s not because I expect something in return, maybe take a bottle but even then with immediate family it’s not expected?

MrsNacho · 26/12/2017 11:07

After 3 years surely whatever your son brought was from both of them?

Letseatgrandma · 26/12/2017 11:10

You sound so rude! Guzzling at Christmas -what an unpleasant way to refer to the woman your son loves!

I predict that if you carry on like this, she won’t want to spend Xmas with you anymore and neither will your son.

What did he bring, by the way?

PositivelyPERF · 26/12/2017 11:13

My late husband and I used to throw get togethers with family and friends. Out if the fifty of so or guests we'd have, maybe half a dozen would bring gifts and it was really lovely of them, but not expected. Don't be so miserable towards your guests. If you don't want to supply all the food and drink, then either don't host or make it plain what you want your guests to bring.

runningoutofjuice · 26/12/2017 11:14

She probably felt judged. Getting drunk was her way of getting through the day.

MeganBacon · 26/12/2017 11:16

You can't invite someone over and then judge them for actually eating what you offered.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 26/12/2017 11:17

What did your sons bring or contribute?

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2017 11:17

Unless she's 12 then she should have thought to have brought a gift (however cheap, just thoughtful) to the host.
I'm sure the boys bought presents and hopefully(?) helped out.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 26/12/2017 11:18

Did she buy you a gift?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2017 11:19

For me, hosting comes without expectation. I certainly wouldn't be starting a mean-minded thread about it to get other people to criticise a woman they don't know.

I would have added to the chorus of "What did your son bring, OP?" but I'd have hosted him in the same lack of expectation. Christmas gifts are not the same as 'dinner gifts' anyway in my book.

takemycounty · 26/12/2017 11:20

After 3 years surely she's more like family? DS's GF of 3 years doesn't need to bring hosting gifts anymore but she's expected to help with the chores.

Iizzyb · 26/12/2017 11:21

I was brought up to say thank you but in my family, we only bought for the children, never for adults & never took any contribution if going to my aunties' or grandparents' homes.

Ex-DP in our 20's took a bottle of wine when we went to my auntie's on Boxing Day and my uncle was v bemused! She may just not realise (she should have manners though). Presents from your son surely come from both of them tho? Do you actually know who sorted & paid for them? Be kind to her & maybe a bit of guidance during the year eg taking a little gift if you visit them etc. It was a total revelation to me getting to know his family & how other families behaved. Still miss his parents. Definitely don't miss him... she also may have asked him if she should take anything & he may have said no.

Tinycitrus · 26/12/2017 11:21

Fgs

She’s a young person. Im sure her boyfriend could have thought of a few tho ha to bring.

reetgood · 26/12/2017 11:29

My family don’t do ‘hosting’ gifts really. I will tend to turn up and contribute to event, eg washing up or cook, or bring a dish. I’m part of the family, not a guest. I’ll bring something if it’s a new family member (eg went to mil’s new boyfriends house for dinner, bought a bottle). I would be a bit upset if my parents were judging my partner of three years for not bringing a host gift: unless (and not clear from op) they’d only met occasionally. To me expecting a gift from partner and not offspring makes an unwelcome distinction between ‘family’ and ‘not family’. Going by mumsnet there are probably countless family members shocked and appalled by me eating and drinking the food they provide. Or not.

Thisismadness · 26/12/2017 11:37

I’m not sure if you mean she didn’t bring a ‘hostess’ gift, ie a bottle of wine or she didn’t buy you a Xmas present and presumably you bought her one? Being a part of your family 3+ years I’d expect to exchange presents but not bring a bottle of wine the way I would if say I was going to a neighbour.

Jux · 26/12/2017 11:37

Just mention to your ds how lovely your other ds’s gf was to bring presents and wine.