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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sons girlfriends at Christmas..

170 replies

CrabappleCake · 26/12/2017 10:14

Had a houseful yesterday. Including for the first time both my dh boys’ girlfriends. Both boys in their 20s.

One girlfriend has been going out with him for about six months, bough a couple of nice little gifts and a bottle of wine. The other bought nothing, known her for three years. She guzzled the wine and the food and I’m not sure she even said thank you. wIBU not to invite her again?

OP posts:

Firesuit · 26/12/2017 11:37

It's a common custom to take gifts apparently. But not universal. I didn't grow up with it, and before I read it on Mumsnet it never crossed my mind to.

Should I ever be invited anywhere again, the anxiety about what's suitable just gives me an additional reason not to go. I'd generally rather stay home anyway.

momjeansep · 26/12/2017 11:40

She ‘guzzled’ because OPs precious boys couldn’t possibly do any wrong!

You sound like a fucking nightmare in waiting.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 26/12/2017 11:43

I don't know why you keep choosing to avoid answering but what did your sons bring??

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 11:45

Appalling manners. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to go to someone’s at Christmas and not take wine and gifts. Age has nothing to do with it, I wouldn’t even have done that as a teen. And as for no thank you, wtf is wrong with people?

Lovestonap · 26/12/2017 11:47

OP, in case you hadn't realised, you are a MIL from hell that many threads are started about.

Someone came to your house as an invited guest and you have slagged them off for not bringing you a present.

You have ignored people asking why your sons didn't bring anything.

You're a dick

HotelEuphoria · 26/12/2017 11:48

I wouldn't expect my children's partners to bring something if I invited them, if they did that is nice but not expected.

Don't be surprised OP if your son decides to Christmas elsewhere in years to come since his GF is now being compared unfavourably to the newcomer.

flowery · 26/12/2017 11:48

We’re hosting my three brothers and my SILs tomorrow. I wouldn’t expect any of them to bring anything other than Christmas presents. They’re family and it would feel too much like standing on ceremony for us.

However in DH’s family it is expected which is fine. OPs stepsons presumably know that the OP expects it, so should have organised something. It’s not the girlfriend‘s responsibility.

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 11:49

No she’s not there are just people on here who have no manners and get worked up when manners or lack of them are commented on.

mummmy2017 · 26/12/2017 11:50

A potted plant is a good gift, as it can just be put on this side. and doesn't need attending too.

The reason I always take a gift if it's more than coffee, is that it's a nice thing to do. It's not about the cost, as I don't spend more than £3, it's just a thank for having me gift, which sets the tone of the event in my mind.
I know it may be to do with my age, I don't do it with family unless it's a drinking event in which case a bottle of wine works, and we all have them on the side at this time of year.
Sometimes I will pick up a plant for my mum when on the way out of the supermarket, or a box of biscuits I know she likes. and yes I do know this is more to do with me enjoying giving her a gift for no reason.

FlamingoParty · 26/12/2017 11:52

I agree it is very rude. Not much you can do. Perhaps next time you know your son is going to her parents suggest to him that he takes something, which might act as a good hint to him that that is what is expected...and in turn pass on the hint to her.

Other than that, anything you say will rock the boat. To be honest, she probably feels very comfortable with you and that she doesn't need to go overboard to make a good impression. But saying that, a Christmas gift is hardly going overboard. Has she ever brought you a gift? For example, when they first were going out and she came to stay for the first time?

I wouldn't sweat it or dwell on it, or let it get out of proportion but I would also give it thought.

Nevista · 26/12/2017 11:52

Do you think your son would have brought gifts to her family? If he didn't bring any for his own I'd be worried he wouldn't be polite when hosted by someone else. To be honest that would be my biggest concern. I'd have a quiet word with him about manners as he sounds quite young.

FlamingoParty · 26/12/2017 11:53

Agree with Nevista

Sounds like they are just young and need a bit of hinting and reminding.

Peanutbuttercheese · 26/12/2017 11:54

My MIL turned up with a huge bouquet of lovely flowers for me, she then proceeded to act like a massive bitch. But hey etiquette was met.

It's rude but not the end of the world.

rudolphslittlehelper · 26/12/2017 11:55

We invite loads of people every year, some come with gifts, some with nothing. All equally welcome. I wouldn't invite people if I couldn't manage without them contributing a bottle of wine.

My mother has never brought anything in 20 years, I don't think it would enter her head yet she always takes wine/flowers to friends, the difference between family and friends, I would think that it is great that she sees you as family.

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 11:56

OPs stepsons presumably know that the OP expects it, so should have organised something. It’s not the girlfriend‘s responsibility.

Of course it is! What stepsons do is irrelevant and presumably they will have bought presents (unless they are particularly crap). She showed up with nothing.

Someone she doesn’t know forked out on a Christmas meal for her and went to the bother of preparing it and she pitched up with nada. Not even a thank you. Unlike the other gf.

It’s appalling manners and everyone knows it unless you were brought up in barn.

another20 · 26/12/2017 12:00

As a host I have ZERO expectation of a guest bringing a gift - even less, if that's possible, of immediate family/children and their partners to do so - sounds v 'formal'.

If you want/need something - then just ask - 'would you mind taking a salad, picking up a bottle of red' or whatever..

I also remember it being quite overwhelming / intimidating to be at IL just for Sunday lunch - Christmas even more so - as every family has their own unique traditions.

I would look positively on the 'guzzling' and take it as proof that you are a great cook and a generous and informal host.

Be extra nice and nuture these girls that are 'good for your DSDs' - they will make your life much much easier in the long run if he is settled with a "good 'un"

Tringley · 26/12/2017 12:01

She gave you the gift of your son at Christmas. When I was married I spent every single Christmas with my in laws, not because I wanted to be there but because my ex-husband and MIL wanted it that way. I would have preferred to have been with my family at least half the time, my family would have preferred me to have been with them. But exH and MIL felt so strongly about it that every year I acquiesced to what they wanted to the point that it was just taken as a given that was how Christmas went for us.

So on the surface it might have seemed like my in laws were hosting me and having me for Christmas, the reality was that I was putting their desires ahead of mine and my family's in order to make them happy. I owed them absolutely nothing. Not that I sat there with that attitude, I actually loved my in laws and always organised fantastic Christmas presents for them. Though once over the years even the fact that we went to visit my family on the 26th or 27th was being questioned, I started to realise that my feelings were never taken into consideration and it opened my eyes to the fact that if your child and their partner spends Christmas with you, the partner is doing you a massive favour that you should be a little grateful for. My son is just 5 but if once he has a partner, they choose to spend Christmas with me, I will be nothing but thankful for the sacrifice s/he is making because most people would rather be with their own family on Christmas no matter how welcome you make them. Their presence is literally a very real gift to you.

Amummyatlast · 26/12/2017 12:04

I don't recall ever taking a hosting gift to my in laws when DH were in the early stages of our relationship, let alone 3 years in. In my family it's not a done thing. In fact, I consider it quite rude to expect a gift from anyone when hosting and prefer it when people don't bring flowers to clutter up the place, or wine that I won't drink.

flowery · 26/12/2017 12:05

”Of course it is! What stepsons do is irrelevant”

Why is it her responsibility? Because she’s a woman? Surely if it’s his family the couple are visiting, it’s at the very least 50% his responsibility to organise that stuff?

As I said, my family don’t stand on ceremony that much, but if we’re going to DHs sister’s or parents, he’s perfectly capable of chucking a bottle of wine in the car from us.

becotide · 26/12/2017 12:06

It was our step son's responsibility to make sure his girlfriend knew about your expectations from guests. You are not universal in these, by the way, I prefer that people do NOT bring me things to deal with when I invite them for dinner.

I also remind myself that everyone is different with regards to expectations and upbringing, and to strop about or draw attention to this is the VERY HEIGHT OF BAD MANNERS. To receive a guest is to be a host and hosts are gracious even when guests are not.

AppleTrayBake · 26/12/2017 12:09

Why do people harbour these secret expectations, then sulk when it doesn't happen?

OP you are presumably an adult, if you couldn't manage to provide enough food and drink for everyone and begrudged them eating and drinking, why didn't you ask for them to bring something??

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 12:10

Why is it her responsibility? Because she’s a woman?

It’s her responsibility because she’s a guest.

The son will take presents for his dad and SM, she doesn’t have to buy presents for them but she should take something like bottle of wine, flowers, chocolates whatever.

TatianaLarina · 26/12/2017 12:12

if you couldn't manage to provide enough food and drink for everyone and begrudged them eating and drinking, why didn't you ask for them to bring something??

Wtf? Completely missing the point.

FeistyColl · 26/12/2017 12:15

I host our extended family Christmas get together every year . It's here for a variety of reasons and suits me particularly (my dd has asd and extreme anxiety and I am able to manage a her anxiety best at home.)

I don't expect a hosting gift from my brothers and definitely not from my SILS. If I needed contributions I would ask. But when I extend the invitation it is always with the purpose of having the family together over the Christmas period.

flowery · 26/12/2017 12:15

”It’s her responsibility because she’s a guest.

The son will take presents for his dad and SM, she doesn’t have to buy presents for them but she should take something like bottle of wine, flowers, chocolates whatever.”

Why would the Christmas presents only be from him? Has the OP specified that the sons live there, and therefore aren’t also guests? My mistake if not, I assumed they didn’t.

It’s been three years, not three months! Any welcoming family would be treating and viewing an established partner as being a joint unit with the son at that stage, and as part of the family, surely?

Or maybe that’s just my family!

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