To not go to a long haul wedding

[Ihatebunting]

Have name changed for this. DH's sibling is recently engaged and they have decided to get married in a v far away destination in 2019. We are already paying to attend a close friend's wedding abroad in 2018. The kitchen is on its last legs and my car needs replacing. Having priced up the wedding, it will cost us approx £3-4K for us to go (DH, me and kids). The place they are booking is one of those areas where all hotels are 4 and 5 star all inclusive places, so staying cheaply isn't really an option and flights are expensive. We've done the sums and could just about afford it but would have to sacrifice a lot over the next 12 months. We'd have to put a lot of plans on the back burner. Is it acceptable to decline a sibling's wedding invite on these grounds?

Of course it is ok to decline. If they want to get married abroad, it's their prerogative, but you shouldn't be making sacrifices you cannot afford

Is he ok with not going? Could he go alone (could share a room and do much cheaper)

Of course if he doesn’t want too that’s fine

How much to just send your DH? Can his parents chip in for his side?

Yes if this was me I would send your DH and stay home. Destination weddings are tricky and the bride and groom should certainly accept some people won't be able to go but for a sibling I would try hard to be there.

Yes of course it's acceptable to decline the invite!

If they choose a wedding venue that's a long way to travel, they have to accept that they're limiting who will be able to go.
Just because they're a sibling, doesn't mean you have to save for 2 years and spend 3-4K on their wedding.

They've definitely done that because they really don't want a big wedding and probably don't want kids there! So YANBU they will be expecting you to decline and that's fine. No one gets married long haul away and wants lots of people to go.

We're invited to a long haul family wedding next year. The most likely scenario is that just DH will go, and possibly not him either - we could afford it, but there are lots of aspects that DD would find challenging, and I really don't want to shell out thousands to make DD miserable!

In this case, the family member is marrying someone from the country where the wedding will be held, so it isn't a destination wedding; we definitely wouldn't be going to one of those.

DH really doesn't want to go! He was the one who raised it tonight with me. I'd been putting on a brave face. They want to get married there as they had a very nice holiday there and liked the resort, but it's not somewhere we would ever choose to go ourselves.

What have the bride and groom said about expectations of family going?

Personally I wouldn't go under your financial circumstances.

No . Been a witness at someone’s else’s wedding should not be putting you financially stretched .

I don't think they expect you to attend. As it's your DH's sibling, it would be up to him to decide (but take into account your opinion).

DH should go solo . That’s surely manageable ?

This may be controversial but I think people who opt for expensive overseas weddings and then invite people knowing there's limited options ti get the cost down tend fall into 2 camps in ny head:

1. People who want a small number of guests in which case why waste everyone' time with invites
2. People who want to prioritise their experience over friends and family/ want friends and family accommodation to help cover their wedding

Why doesn’t he want to go?

Does DH have a good relationship with his sibling?

How much would it cost for DH to go?

No, you don't have to go.

But make sure you explain it carefully. As you are - looking from the outside IYSWIM - able to afford to combine holiday with wedding for a friend, a sibling might feel hurt that you're not doing the same for them. So you do need to decline tactfully - people, even those you are close to, may have very little idea of your actual finances based just on appearances.

YOU don’t have to go but it won’t look good you going to your friends destination wedding but not to your DH’s sibling wedding

greendale17
Depends.
Hypothetically speaking, friend's wedding might be in a popular destination, easily doable on short haul flughts (so quicker than driving places in the UK), not be at a fixed venue, OP and family could find budget accommodation etc.
Vs.
Family wedding 4/5 all inclusive hotels, long haul flights, extra charges to enter the wedding resort if they choose not to stay there etc.

4 star / 5 star hotels (forgot the * makes things bold)

@Maisypops From experience of 1, we were pressured by family to invite more than we wanted (though we correctly assumed none of them could make it) and also had the best man invite his girlfriend of 2-3 months without asking us first.

Don’t go
Sorted, no stress.

That's such a shame that family pressured ypu like that. I'm sure you and your invited guests would have just rather it was done simpler.

Totally agree with *maisypops+

I agree with those who said that they will expect some not to go. The fact you’re going to a friend’s overseas wedding only add to why you can’t as you’ve already committed to that. I wouldn’t scrape money together to go as you leave yourself no financial wriggle room.

I wouldn't go. If your H were bothered I'd send him alone, but that's about it.

Don't go.

Jeeez why the fuck do so many people do this now?

I went to about a dozen weddings in the 80's and 90's, and not ONE was out of our county. They were all easy driving distance (or a tenner in a cab,) and in a modest venue with decent booze prices. All the hen parties were in a local pub or wine bar too. £30 for the night's booze and chicken in a basket, and a fiver for a cab home.

What the fuck happened?

When did people decide to start going abroad to get married, and costing family and friends £3K per family to go see them get married? And when did people decide to have hen parties in Greece or Lanzarote, costing all the guests the best part of half a grand?

It's just all show, that's what it is.. Pathetic. I would not go to a single hen party or wedding like this.

Why the hell does anyone get married abroad? When neither one of the couple is from the country they are getting married in, and have no connection with? I mean why???