To not go to a long haul wedding

[Ihatebunting]

Have name changed for this. DH's sibling is recently engaged and they have decided to get married in a v far away destination in 2019. We are already paying to attend a close friend's wedding abroad in 2018. The kitchen is on its last legs and my car needs replacing. Having priced up the wedding, it will cost us approx £3-4K for us to go (DH, me and kids). The place they are booking is one of those areas where all hotels are 4 and 5 star all inclusive places, so staying cheaply isn't really an option and flights are expensive. We've done the sums and could just about afford it but would have to sacrifice a lot over the next 12 months. We'd have to put a lot of plans on the back burner. Is it acceptable to decline a sibling's wedding invite on these grounds?

bunting, if MIL is going to pay enough so that you don't feel it's a hardship to go, why is there still drama? If the place is all inclusive is she picking up the airfare and resort fees and just leaving you to pay for incidental costs?

Sorry I've not explained very well here. Basically the money was offered yesterday, but then today MIL has been saying we have devastated sibling by saying a few days ago that we aren't going. The money offer hasn't been mentioned again, so not sure if that ship has sailed. There is a very sour taste around the whole thing now and I feel awful. I think we will be going now, whether anyone helps with costs or not. (DH thinks different but I see how the wind is blowing)

All just a bit of a mess and I'm feeling very guilty. DH says it's MIL trying to manipulate us and we must stand firm.

First, I am sorry you've been placed in this awful position. I would really let your DH take the lead on this for the following reasons

• he's right, MIL is just trying to manipulate you.
• it's his family, not yours, his brother, not yours.
• It's insane to go into debt over something like this.

In addition to the kitchen and a car, you need an emergency fund. If you have no savings you are in a precarious position already. That 4,000 pounds would buy you a nice new oven and make a good down payment on a new car.

May I suggest a compromise? Either MIL pays your airfare and resort fees in advance or gives you the money to do so, or you offer to host a nice reception party for the happy couple when they return home.

In the States (I'm a Yank) a couple who has a remote or destination wedding will customarily have a party on their return to allow all of those who could not or just preferred not to go have a chance to celebrate the wedding with them.

By the way, if you let MIL win this one you are begging for more meddling and manipulation down the road.

We absolutely would not be able to attend a destination wedding. I could choose to work loads more and be able to afford it, but I don’t think anyone’s wedding justifies asking someone to change their lifestyle or make big financial decisions. I would be sad if my sister did it, because I would immediately know we couldn’t go. That said, I don’t think she would.

Invitations can be and are declined for all sorts of reasons.

I don’t think op’s brother in law is wrong to choose destination, but he would be wrong to be upset if they couldn’t go for financial reasons. Personally, I believe in limiting the style of wedding and number of guests to that which you can pay the vast majority of costs yourselves, with the exception of a cash bar because no one has to drink excessively and especially if you’ve already provided arrival drinks and wine with the meal. We had our wedding in my parents’ home town so many had to travel to accept the invitation. But our friends live in different parts of the country, so some travel was part of the ask. I would not have dreamt of being offended if they had declined.

We recently went to a wedding that was 3 hours drive away. Funds are tight so we didn’t stay over. I didn’t have a new outifit and our only real costs were petrol and a gift. If it had involved an overnight stay, we would have struggled.

Anyone who plans their wedding expecting people to attend at the cost of 4K is an arsehole anyways.

Being a people pleaser is not a good thing, OP. It's being a wet lettuce, as expat says.

Don't agree to go unless PIL pay for it all. And don't let them say they'll pay you back. They book the hotel and flights or transfer the money to you before you book.

Don't be passive and 'stay out of it all.'

The people suggesting that DH goes alone are forgetting that unless he finds someone to share with is that holidays for one are usually not much cheaper than for 2. You need to decide whether this wedding is a priority or if the things you need doing as re a priority

His brother will get over it. HOnestly. He will. Don't let your MIL bully you into going into debt over someone else's 'day'. It's truly not worth it.

Tell your MIL to get to the far end of fuck manipulative bitch! It's not her wedding why is she getting her knickers in such a twist?!

Don't be bullied Op - unless they pay, why should you be put into financial hardship. If that does happen, you'll end up resenting them & the repercussions will likely last a long time.

Please don't even consider going into debt for one day in someone else's drama. How would you enjoy any of it knowing how much you'd paid to get there.

You both need to stand up to the guilt your dh's family are trying to put on you.

I'm sorry but we just can't afford it is the line you need to stick to

'I think we will be going now, whether anyone helps with costs or not. (DH thinks different but I see how the wind is blowing) '

Then let him stand up to her. That's fucking ridiculous to expect people to stump up that kind of money for their wedding. He'll get over your not being there because the destination was more important than everyone's being there. It's an arsehole thing to expect people to stump up big money to attend a wedding.

It's your husband's brother so he gets to call the shots. If he is prepared to put on his tin hat and weather the storm because you don't want to/can't afford to go to this destination wedding, then so should you. I agree that putting yourself into debt or saving so madly that you haven't any money for fun, is just plain daft.

After all, it's an invitation to attend, not a summons.

It's completely acceptable to go to the other wedding but not this one.
Obviously those arrangements suit you and your family but these do not.
I'm stunned that a B&G can be so demanding about their wedding, expecting people to spend thousands of pounds, use their holiday entitlements/ free time and join them for a week or more on, what is basically their honeymoon. The brass neck of it!

We had a very similar dilemma two years ago. In the end we decided to go for it, went to wedding, really enjoyed it and have never regretted it.But every case is different.

I flew to the UK from NZ for my cousins wedding last year - no room in the budget for the whole family to attend, I booked flight etc a week before the event got some great last minute deals, didnt have to take much time off work and there was minimal impact on husband & kids.

This is one of these cases where you have to have your DH's back. He wants to stand up to his mother, so back him up. Don't undermine him to appease his parents, because you want to be the good guy or have less hassle. "It's 100% DH's decision MIL, and I think he's doing the right thing by his family." Not "I'll talk to him.." or "maybe we can sort something..."

It's hard to stand up to manipulative parents and if your DH wants to, don't encourage him to back down.

How sad that your parents in law do not appreciate how good it is that your DH is sensible with money and takes responsibility for his family’s finances.

If he's happy to stand firm then let him!

Update please OP! Hope you and hubby are standing firm. I will be personally offended if you get yourself into financial difficulty for this wedding

If they really wanted people there, they would get marries at home, not expect people to fork out thousands.

I second that @Oliveinacampervan with bells and whistles.

Here in Ireland, people choose a destination wedding usually to ensure that they have a tiny wedding with maybe a family member or two rather than suffer through a massive 200+ guests at the local hotel because you 'have' to invite Mary & Paddy-down-the-road as they invited your parents to their daughters wedding in 1992.

My sister is likely going to have a destination wedding as she lives out foreign in country A, is from Country B, fiancé is from Country C, and his extended family are from Country D. And only two of those countries share a continent. Even then, she fully understands that it's unlikely her penniless sister can attend, and would hate me to get into debt to go.

DM would probably give out a bit, but that's because of a funny thing she does where every family gathering MUST have all her children & grandchildren present and if you are going to be absent you need a decent excuse. She will probably offer to pay for me but I'll still decline as she has form for reminding you and everyone else of her generosity several times a day during the trip and I've learned my lesson there.

here in Ireland, people choose a destination wedding usually to ensure that they have a tiny wedding with maybe a family member or two

This is how destination weddings 'started' IIRC - it was acknowledged that the couple would be away and get married pretty much on their own. Now it seems to have become an expensive obligation for everyone else. Not an improvement.