To not go to a long haul wedding

[Ihatebunting]

Have name changed for this. DH's sibling is recently engaged and they have decided to get married in a v far away destination in 2019. We are already paying to attend a close friend's wedding abroad in 2018. The kitchen is on its last legs and my car needs replacing. Having priced up the wedding, it will cost us approx £3-4K for us to go (DH, me and kids). The place they are booking is one of those areas where all hotels are 4 and 5 star all inclusive places, so staying cheaply isn't really an option and flights are expensive. We've done the sums and could just about afford it but would have to sacrifice a lot over the next 12 months. We'd have to put a lot of plans on the back burner. Is it acceptable to decline a sibling's wedding invite on these grounds?

DH has gone round to in laws to try and hash out a compromise. Suspect we are going to be guilted into going.

Repeat that it will cost you £4K at least and you can't afford that. Are you going with him?

It's hard to really reach a compromise on this other than him going alone. I would pitch at that, though it'll still be costly.

It's not just DH's decision. It's family money.

Stand firm OP.

You are adults! It is not MIL's decision, it is yours. FFS, why on earth do people feel they have to do what other people want???

Stand firm.

The only potential 'compromise' is if your MIL books and pays for all of you to go as her treat, end of. And that's only if you want to go and want to use up your holiday time to do it.

That's the chance people take when they expect people to travel and incur huge costs to see them say vows for 20 minutes and go to a party.

Funny you should say that @BewareOfDragons, the in laws have offered to pay the majority of our costs now, so I suspect we will be going. I must sound very ungrateful, but it's not a destination I'm keen on. There's a huge time difference which will be tricky to manage over a week with 2 small children. We'll probably go, have a nice time and come home. But I feel mildly annoyed for reasons I can't articulate.

Maybe you’re annoyed because you’ve been railroaded into going, and you still have to go somewhere you do t want, using your precious time (annual leave or whatever)
I’d be pissed off

I bloody hate destination weddings. They’re a massive imposition

Just be careful that all parties are clear that the PIL's are paying the majority of the costs as a gift and that you will not be paying them back in the future. I know someone who was stung rather badly in similar circumstances. Also Groom and his new wife were miffed that the money went to pay for guests rather than on them. Obviously this is just a cautionary note and not meant to cast aspersions on your IL's.

I wouldn't go to any destination wedding. The idea of being in a resort with a load of other people from my family and circle of friends makes me wince. Group holidays aren't for me at all!!

Totally reasonable not to go. You have declined well in advance and politely.

How young are your children? Could you leave them with your family for a few days if your in laws pay for your travel? One less stress if you can travel child-free

gasp No sorry too much money. When u have a family they are the priority, a nice kitchen for them, a car which will be used for them.... family wins hands down. If it was me we'd have them round for drinks before or after the wedding to wish them the best and use the cash for something useful.

Personally ... I think you have to go. ‘We could probably afford it if we make sacrifices’ is different to ‘we couldn’t possibly attend there is no way we could afford it!’

My H’s brother got married in Italy a number of years ago. He lives in England, his bride was from Sweden and they weren’t planning on staying there to honeymoon. They had plenty of money to spend.

I was pregnant with our second when they let us know where it was going to be etc. The new baby was going to be 3 months old at the wedding, and we had an older son who was going to be almost 3. We were heavily in debt and to go for just a few days worked out at just over £1,000 for us all to go. I wasn’t happy to leave the baby behind at that age (as didn’t know if I’d be BF or not for one thing), the venue wasn’t even remotely child-friendly and it wasn’t a location we’d ever even consider going for a holiday so not like we’d be able to combine that.

So we told the family we were really sorry but we just couldn’t afford it. However we did say we worked out a way that husband and his other brother could do it as a day trip that was a lot of hassle, but only cost around £100 for each of them (his brother was in a similar situation to us). I did everything I could with my SIL to help the blokes be able to go. They were the ones who really didn’t want to go, but went anyway.

The family (ok MIL and BIL) did NOT take it well! And of course it was me & SIL who have always had to deal with the family fallout over it all these years later......

So be prepared for potential upset because families can be dead funny when it comes to weddings! YANBU at not wanting to go though - I hope your DH’s family are more understanding that mine were!

Just finished reading the posts I missed before I posted - how much is the “majority” though? Does your calculated figure include spending money whilst there (let’s face it, you still spend money even on an all inclusive holiday)?

I think your DH needs to put his foot down! And to those saying he could go alone - fair enough if only a couple of days, but sounds like it would need to be a week minimum because of the distance. Assuming he works, that’s a weeks worth of annual leave used that can’t cover school holidays now (or be used for family time if pre-school age) so additional childcare costs will be incurred. Those sort of resorts aren’t usually much cheaper for one person and truthfully, it’s unlikely he can find someone to bunk with as most go to those sorts of places as a family in these situations! So cost wise, it’s not as if it will become more affordable by him going alone anyway.

Good luck - sounds like you will need it with the MIL!

If they really wanted you there they’d be getting married at home and having the honeymoon abroad. Since they aren’t and aren’t paying for you to go I assume they aren’t that bothered anyway.
I think it’s completely unreasonable for them to expect you to go at all with prices like that.

Oh man, we are getting guilt from all angles now. Especially as at first (when slightly taken aback by the suggestion of a wedding so far away for no reason other than they liked their holiday there once) we hadn't said we weren't going. People are being extremely dramatic. I'm trying to stay out of the whole thing.

Oh, fuck them, bunting. Seriously. I wouldn't go at all. But if the IL's are paying you need to make sure they stump up and it's not a loan. Bullshit you have to go. No one is compelled to attend one of these things.

I don’t get how they can guilt you? Can’t you guilt them back??? Saying you want me to spend £4K going to a wedding (which would last half an hour)

I'm such a people pleaser, I can't stand all this. We sort of said we were going when it was all announced (before we had priced it up) and I can understand it would be upsetting to have your brother not there. But it's thousands of miles away, ffs.

Well, tough shit for them! They pay for you to go or you don't go. Stop being a wet lettuce.

If it's so upsetting not to have family members there, they could have got married nearer home. By picking that destination they've chosen location over guests.

I'm generally in the camp of saying that if people choose to get married abroad for no reason other than they fancy it / had a nice holiday (ie, excluding those who are marrying someone from that country), then they have to expect people to not be able to go.
I think your situation has been complicated by the fact you have accepted to go to a friend's wedding abroad. It presents as 'it doesn't matter that you need a new kitchen / struggle to afford it when they asked, only when we asked. Surely you can see that? Now that your MiL has offered to pay for you, then I think for you to start finding other excuses....."but it's not a destination I'm keen on. There's a huge time difference which will be tricky to manage over a week with 2 small children."............. says a lot, and you have lost my sympathy, tbh.