To not go to a long haul wedding

[Ihatebunting]

Have name changed for this. DH's sibling is recently engaged and they have decided to get married in a v far away destination in 2019. We are already paying to attend a close friend's wedding abroad in 2018. The kitchen is on its last legs and my car needs replacing. Having priced up the wedding, it will cost us approx £3-4K for us to go (DH, me and kids). The place they are booking is one of those areas where all hotels are 4 and 5 star all inclusive places, so staying cheaply isn't really an option and flights are expensive. We've done the sums and could just about afford it but would have to sacrifice a lot over the next 12 months. We'd have to put a lot of plans on the back burner. Is it acceptable to decline a sibling's wedding invite on these grounds?

DH has told his sibling now, who completely understands. Disappointed but appreciates our reasons. MIL on the other hand, is royally kicking off.

I'm stepping away and leaving them to it. Not my circus, etc.

It sounds very much like what another poster was explaining to me earlier. They said they felt family pressure to invite lpads but only wanted something small.

I wonder if MIL thinks the wedding will be all about her and a reflection on her etc so is putting pressure on the bride and groom to invite loads of people and the destination is one way ti try and keep it small for them.

Sorted then. Mil pays!!!

Echo what others say. If they’re desperate for guests to go, maybe they can pay for accomodation or sweeten the pill a bit . Apppreciate this is unlikely though, most people are wannabees when it comes to stumping up to make it possible for all to come and they can’t afford it. They just think they’re celebrities and get annoyed when others don’t want to join in their fantasy of living a jet set lifestyle funded by a barclaycard.

NO. It pisses me off all this modern trend for one upmanship long distance weddings. I wouldn't attend one and i would simply tell them you are sorry but you can't attend. Why would i pay a small fortune to attend someones wedding far away anyway? Whats in it for me?

She can kick off all she likes, it doesn't pay bills.

Why would i pay a small fortune to attend someones wedding far away anyway? Whats in it for me?

you absolutely don't have to, but for you it's a great holiday abroad. (again, you are free to decline).

you absolutely don't have to, but for you it's a great holiday abroad. (again, you are free to decline).
Is it a 'great holiday'?
With most holidays you get to choose where to go, when to go, who to go with and what to do when you get there.

Attending someone else's wedding doesn't tick many of those boxes.

Your dh should tell your mil that you'll all happily go if she pays. That'll shut her up very quickly.

Spell it out. Say it will cost you £4k and you can't afford that. If MIL continues to complain, do what Bruel says.

you get to choose where to go, when to go, who to go with and what to do when you get there.

but that's the point, you can go with friends or family for a a week or so, attend the wedding once with whoever is invited and have the rest of the time as holiday.

I much rather having an excuse to travel abroad, ideally in a place I don't know, than being invited 3 hours away from my home. I would still go, but you have to drive, book a couple of nights accommodation in grey old probably rainy Blighty. Weddings in this country turn out quite expensive for guests if you are further than a taxi ride away.

No, if people choose to go abroad to get married they are clearly not considering their friends and family and whether they can afford it or get the time off. They have to expect that not many can or will want to go. If they were so worried about having their nearest and dearest with them they would make it easy for them to attend.

If they were so worried about having their nearest and dearest with them they would make it easy for them to attend.

how does that work when both families are completely spread out, even within the UK? Unless you all live in the same village, which is rare, someone or most of the guests will have to travel anyway.

I personally would prioritize my sibling’s oversees wedding rather than some random friend and / or a kitchen. But we’re all different I guess.

@RavingRoo as I have mentioned already, we have already paid for the majority of the friend's wedding trip as they invited us over a year before sibling got engaged. So we didn't prioritise, they just asked us first.

As for the kitchen, our current one is quite literally falling apart. The oven barely functions. The cabinets are mainly broken and warped. It's not a cosmetic decision, it NEEDS replacing.

Added to the fact we have zero savings at the moment, and wouldn't be able to save if we were paying to attend the wedding, we would be very financially vulnerable. If something happened we'd be screwed. I don't think the sibling would want that.

You've done the right thing OP. TBH it would be utterly irresponsible to commit to this wedding when you've got no savings and your home is in desperate need of renovation. If your BIL really wanted everyone to attend his wedding he'd hold it locally.

If MIL wants DH to be there she can pay his flights.
I'd have made the same decision as you in your circumstances.

LH weddings are fine if you accept that many guests simply won't be able to attend.

I'm pleased to get to the end of the thread and see you've told them you can't go.

They'd have to be extremely selfish not to understand that you can't afford it. Your MIL sounds childish, does she have any issues that would mean she can't grasp that concept.

Luckily I don't know anyone who's had a destination wedding, but if I did I wouldn't feel at all guilty if I couldn't afford to go.

Each to their own - you don’t want to go, that’s ok. Personally I would expect DH to go if it’s their sibling but If your husband doesn’t want to then that’s up to him too.

We descided to get married in Vegas as neither of us wanted a big wedding.

When I married my ex, we didn't want a big wedding, either. We got married at a nearby register office with his sister and BIL as witnesses, and stuck some money behind the bar of our local for our reception.

I would much rather having an excuse to travel abroad, ideally in a place I don't know, than being invited 3 hours away from my home.
How many hours will it take to get to the hotel abroad?

GladAllOver you are missing my point. If I accept an invitation to a holiday abroad, I make a holiday out of it.

If I am invited more than 3 hours away, it means I can't drive back and forth so it's at least an entire weekend and an expensive one is the UK - I have no interest of holidaying in this country whatsoever
It's not cheaper or more convenient to be a guest in the UK than it is to go abroad, that's all I was saying

Tell MIL unless her kicking off is accompanies by the necessary £5k (or whatever it will cost, down to the last pence) being immediately deposited into your bank account so you can book the holiday as entirely her treat, she is to zip it.

No one gets to dictate how other people spend their money and time. No one.

You've done the right thing in declining the invitation when you have pressing needs at home (kitchen, car).

The friends destination wedding is a bit of a red herring because, as you say, it was committed to long before this invite and is nearly paid off. You aren't choosing one over the other, the friends wedsingnis a sunk cost and the siblings wedding had to be considered alongside all current financial commitments.

Plus, if I had a pal getting married somewhere I wanted to vacation (Florida, California, Canada, NZ etc) I'd make every effort to attend, if I had a sibling getting married in somewhere I wouldn't want to holiday (Australia for example- the idea of the spiders freaks me out) then I'd happily decline!