To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

It has occurred to me too that he probably didn't even ask her. He probably turned up and asked to take them to the park downstairs as per usual. A stone's throw from her flat where she can see them.

I feel an idiot for buying into that shit earlier now. That's my gullibility shining through, always wanting to see the best in people.

He text me again saying "I'm not fucking bothered about how she feels and my actions don't say that at all. I'm taking them back now as they have their dinner"

I said "I couldn't care less. You're both as bad as each other, you are a pair of emotionally immature and childish 'adults' and all I have to say to you now is poor bloody kids!'

From what I'm told, they already knew they had a sibling but were just yet to meet him

Then again that's probably bollocks to they are probably blissfully unaware they even have a baby relative just been born.

Bloody cowardice c*

Your anger is totally understandable and a part of the healing process. But, for your own sake, if you can, try not to retaliate. It will far more be in your favour if you’re able to keep a cool head when it comes to dealing with the legalities of it all.

Well done for getting this far.

That's why I'm leaving for some breathing space mama, because I know I'll say alot of things I may later regret. I'm absolutely livid, I can't spend another second in his company whilst I feel like this. I need to clear my thoughts out of his way

Good thinking. Get a plan in place for you and your LO.

Best of luck, OP, he's being such a monumental twat and his ex is playing him like a violin. I've been livid for you reading this thread. She needs to realise it's over but she's only going to do that if he tells her that the way she's behaving is not at all on. He's a Grade A coward for not doing that. Hope you are ok x

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
This is probably irrelevant but I have an arrangement with exP that means he has to be supervised with DS. He tends not to tell new girlfriends this and just says that I'm dreadful and don't let him see his son etc etc.
If he had a new child I doubt I or DS would ever be told because he wouldn't be allowed to see the sibling without the sibling being brought to us or to a contact centre and to do that he'd have to admit what he did to DS to end up in that situation and I doubt many women would stick around after finding that out.
It's easier for him to lie.
I think you are right for taking some time out. Gather your thoughts and enjoy time with DS to yourself for a bit.

He said she kicked off and said no way it's too soon and she's not having it, he can take them to the park alone but not come here or meet their brother.

Honey, wake up. He never asked her. Please. Stop falling for his lies.

Congratulations on your baby.

It sounds as if no one knows. Are you sure he actually told the ex about the baby?

Sorry, I’ve just seen that you realise this.

He has had over 9 months to prepare his dc and notify his ex - as a matter of courtesy not that he had to - and you are still on the sidelines with his baby!! I have been similar, and never was I happier than when we divorced and I didn't have to deal with his 2 exes, their dc and their shit! Leave him to it, let him seek legal advice - no way would he be juggling his ex and their dc as his priority and fitting his newborn into a slot of her convenience. You should be enjoying the first precious months of a newborn without their crap. Tell your aunt it's a long visit and try not to worry.

Oh I've woken up believe me i don't believe any of it.

I've just had a friends request from her kid sister now, coincidentally. The one who texts dp giving him gob. No message yet but I think my privacy settings would prevent her being able to send one.

I also can't message her unless I accept. Very interested in seeing what she has to say but don't particularly want to grant her access to my personal business by accepting her request.. hmm

Yes, please don’t blame the ex for being controlling.

She might not know.

Even if she does know, your DS was born, your DP stayed away from his DC for two weeks (I think?) and then turned up and said he was taking all three out (two older children and a newborn) for dinner. How is he going to pay attention to his older DC with a newborn? It’s not thought through.

And even if she is controlling, there have been months and months and months to sort this out via solicitors. If he has had regular contact, a contact order would be made in his favour. He starts messing about with weeks between visits, then he might lose that position.

Anyway, you are right to take some time to yourself, get some rest and enjoy your baby.

You can put her on your acquaintance list, then she only sees what you permit her to see. I bet she suspects something and is fishing. I’d accept her as an acquaintance as it could be very interesting. 😉

At this point you don't have much to lose by seeing what she has to say. So far the only info you have comes entirely from him.

I wouldn't accept the friend request or get into a slanging match over facebook with his ex sister (who it has absolutely nothing to do with). Block. Why would YOU need to get involved in their mess?
Good luck OP

I drafted out a message to the ex herself saying I think we would both benefit from speaking directly, but then i second guessed sending it.

I asked DP how does the teenage sister know who I am i thought they didn't know my name. He said his ex text him last week saying "I know your girlfriend is called *" yet he failed to tell me that aswell until now when he didn't have a choice.

I don't know this bloke at all, he just moves in the shadows hiding things from everybody. He's made a royal mess of all of our lives at the moment. Absolute prick

If she knew all about you, as he previously claimed, why did she text him last week to say she knows who you are?

I think he’s been burying his head in the sand and the lie has been growing and growing ie he hasn’t told her or his children about the baby. He can’t escape it for much longer. I know someone very much like this and he is scared stiff of his wife and it’s anything for a quiet life.

She's definitely known about me for a long time in the sense that he is with somebody - but he wouldn't tell her my name because he "didn't want her giving me shit" as he put it

She's found out who I am through a mutual friend on fb it seems, but she hasn't messaged me, just been looking and told him as much

The younger sister will want on your FB to see the baby photos probably.

Id contact the ex. He's spinning you a pack of lies and speaking face to face might mean you actually get to the bottom of it. Id bet my mortgage the ex doesn't know about the baby. That is the sole reason wevwill not bring his older kids to meet him and you. That's the reason she still messaged him being friendly despite him not seeing the kids. They've no idea.

I've just messaged the ex.

I wrote "Hi. Seeing as you text saying you know who I am, and now I've got your sister adding me, shall I take it that there's something you'd like to discuss?"

Hopefully she sees it. I know messages from people who aren't friends on Facebook often fall into a spam folder that you sometimes won't see for days/weeks unless you check it regularly

I don’t think that inbox folder exists any more?

Message requests, then there's a further one called "others"

I rarely check mine as it's usually full of unsolicited crap from people abroad who I've no idea who they are/how they found me.

I've just messaged the mutual friend we share asking him to do me a favour and send her a quick message asking her to check her inbox, whether or not he will I dunno, my dp is his supervisior and friend so chances are he won't.