To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

I don't intend to stick around. Honestly, I feel I need his hands on support right now with our son but as far as our relationship goes Its almost beyond repair thanks to all of this and as a result I don't see a bright future with him anymore

If you separate now though he may start to take it more seriously very quickly?
He panders to the ex so there's a chance he may realise he can't take you for granted anymore.

I don't feel like I could cope without him here atm though. I hate to admit that but it's true. My MW said I'm at risk of PND due to past anxiety and depression and I'm just about getting by on what little sleep I manage to coup in the night when he's at work.

Ok well you know yourself best and should do what you feel is right. My only concern is that there will be no right or easy time to leave him and that you stay and continue to be treated poorly. As this won't help your self esteem and anxiety. No matter how nice and helpful he is sometimes he is not respecting you by continuing the situation he has with his ex and not sorting out proper contact.

Ok, I've followed most of this thread and I think you're pretty much reaching your own conclusions about this relationship! Congratulations on your wee one. My DS is 9 months and it is hard and I have a loving and supportive DH.

You said the ex is still in love with him? Sounds like he enjoys knowing this. Perhaps he enjoys playing with her head too. It's not fair to her, if this is true, for him to be going around, spending Christmas and maybe giving her the impression she might have another chance with him given how little place he gives to you when he deals with her.

I'm also a solicitor and I've dealt with a lot of family cases where the ex partner has made conditions about no contact taking place at dad's home with new partner. Most judges rule that this should happen gradually but she would have to put forward a really good reason why contact at your home is inappropriate. As for her potentially stopping contact if he raises court action, she may well do this but this will not be looked on favourably by a judge either.

I think you need to make a decision soon about what you want to do. Unless your DP changes, nothing about this situation is going to change and it might be better for you and your wee boy to get out sooner rather than later xx

I appreciate the insight from a solicitor with first hand experience, in regards to any reasons she could put forward there is none as far as safeguarding is concerned. Our place is clean, tidy and child friendly and I've never had any criminal convictions or issues with substances. There's nothing about me personally that could give her a cause for concern.

I do think he must like the attention and the fact two women are both faffing over him. I also don't think it's fair if he's giving her false hope by engaging with her via text so much, I said this much to him aswell.

I have been in this position and I had
To walk away. He was living two lives , he had a kid with one women who he was trying to keep on side and one with me. He wasn't honest to either party . He's now back with first women but is unhappy. I have now re built my life , have a wonderful partner and good
Job and home. It's been hard , very hard but i Couldn't come second or allow my baby to come
Second

Respect to you for making that move. Its definitely a daunting prospect but the only one i can see resulting in a happy ending :(

I've cried so much today. I don't know whether it's the baby blues or all of this playing on my mind, I just know I'm really sad.

It's not my baby. I adore him, I stare at his little face for hours on end in awe of his presence. Looking after him is a pleasure even i am totally exhausted.

You WILL cope without him, trust me! When my DDs dad left us I was absolutely adamant I couldn't cope with our baby especially as I am severely disabled, but you do! I did. Because you love your baby and you suddenly find yourself with your own little routine. Slowly building up a life for you both - without him as a constant part of it.

Why not just ask him to go and stay with family for a week? A break? That way you can find out first hand if you can cope, without actually making the break. Also, it should will sh*t him up enough and make him realise he's on the verge of losing you if he doesn't sort it.... Leaving him with only one option?

Hi Tumble and baby Tumble, how are you and your little man doing? All ok I hope?
Has DP sorted out proper contact arrangements with his ex now or is the situation unchanged?

Ive read most of the thread and I don’t think he’s as bad as a lot of the poster portrayed. He probably feels that when complying with his exes demands (being in touch with his seeing the kids there) he sees his children.

If he goes to court, there’s a big unknown about what the result will be and you’ve said he doesn’t like confrontation. Also, how long will it take and how long will he potentially have to go without seeing his children?

He should see a solicitor as his ex doesn’t have to know he’s seeing one until papers / letters are issued. He could work out specifically what isn’t it he’s scared of and address those issues. Find out timescales and best / worst outcomes.

If you treat this as something to solve together rather than setting up him as an individual between the two of you, you could make this work.

Also if he knows the best / worst outcomes, he can let his ex know. Ask her if she would prefer to be bound by a court order and have to stick to it regardless of how she felt about it, when that could be avoided by reasonableness and flexibility now.

Whether you stay together or not, these are your child’s half siblings, it should be dealt with.

Hey all. Back with an update.

Little tumble is doing great :)

So last night things came to a head. He usually sees the kids on Sundays so I suggested maybe he go and get his older two, pick baby up and go for dinner the four of them and I stay home.

He was hesitating and clammed up, as usual feeling like it wasn't an option because of his ex, so at that point I lost my patience and said right ok I'm done with this now I've tried for long enough and I'm leaving. I went on to explain (rant) how i couldn't see a future with someone who could allow all of his kids to suffer on the say so of a controlling ex and I wanted better from somebody I was choosing to spend my life with. No raised voices I was just very matter of fact. I went to bed and could hear him upset in the front room, i resisted the urge to go and console him as usual and let him believe I was serious this time.

This morning he tells me he doesn't want to lose me, he realises I've been right all along and today he's going to get his children, bring them to ours and then take all of them out together - whether she likes it or not. He said he knows he's been acting wrongly and it was just out of fear, that he has made this mess and is going to deal with it.

He left to go there 10 minutes ago, he's expecting an argument but has vowed to stand firm because he knows I have one foot out of the door.

I really hope things go as smoothly as possible!

Not sure if him turning up out of the blue and announcing that he's bringing them to meet his brother without prior warning was the best idea, but he said that if he 'asked' in advance it would be a straight no and then she wouldn't let him see them today if she knew what his intentions were.

Their* brother

Blimey Tumble, good for you! Has he been back yet?

Sorry, I've just seen what time you posted. I assume he's still out

Waste of time

He just called from the park with his kids. He said she kicked off and said no way it's too soon and she's not having it, he can take them to the park alone but not come here or meet their brother.

He pandered to her shit yet again despite what he said.

He took them to the park near hers and called his mum for advice, said his mum promised to speak to her in the week and try to act as a buffer between them and sort out an arrangement. His mum and her are somewhat close.

He called me and told me all of this, I just told him to fuck off and hung up the phone.

I've had his 2 week old son dressed and waiting to be picked up for the past hour.

I'm out x

He sounds pretty hopeless at having any idea of going about things in an adult reasonable way.

Turning up unexpectedly and announcing that he’s taking the kids to meet their brother is ridiculous. I don’t think exW has been behaving reasonably either but on this occasion, I don’t think she is at fault.

It’s good to hear you sounding so strong. We’re all rooting for you to make it a better situation for you and your DS.

I did think the same mama, but that's typical of him unfortunately. He doesn't know how to act appropriately or sensibly where his having two families is concerned.

Thank you. That's it now I can't be bothered with it anymore. He just text me saying "now you hate me too"

I replied saying just go back to that drunkard if you're so bothered about how she feels.

I'm packing a small bag as I speak. I'm going to my aunt's before things escalate when he gets back. I'm furious and I don't want arguments around my son.

It'll be me who ends up shouting. He isn't worth the head ache

That text sounds typical coming from the man-child you are dealing with. What a pathetic and immature thing to say.

Keep going Tumble. You deserve better and you are doing the right thing in saying no to this dead weight of a relationship.

for you

Why does he even engage? All he needs to do is say I am taking them out. Bundle them into the car and take them home to yours. Contact needs to be fixed and she needs to stop trying to control it. If she doesn't then this needs to be formalised through court. A judge would laugh his bloody socks off at her controlling behaviour. He also needs to stop responding to texts. If it is not about kids then do not engage.
Good luck OP, at least one of you has balls!

Just seen your updates. Congratulations on your beautiful new baby! I have to say when I read that he was going to get his children to meet the baby I didn't think for a minute he would go through with it. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even ask his ex. I know you hoped that having the baby would be the impetus for him to sort everything out but it doesn't seem like anything will be changing. What a letdown he is.

I do agree that suddenly springing a new baby sibling on them without warning would be an awful way to go about things though. You don't need stupid grand gestures that aren't in anyone's interests, you need him to book a mediation appointment or an hour with a solicitor. But it is easier for him to make big promises and blame his ex when he doesn't deliver. I think you'd be better off without him.