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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
nestletollhouse · 28/12/2017 00:55

Stop all the nonsense and just end it. You know he's a liar, you know he's no good. You don't need to keep going round in circles like this trying to guess everything. Just do the right thing for yourself and baby and get rid of him.

MotherofaSurvivor · 28/12/2017 01:01

* Stop all the nonsense and just end it. You know he's a liar, you know he's no good. You don't need to keep going round in circles like this trying to guess everything. Just do the right thing for yourself and baby and get rid of him.*

THIS!!!!!! ^^

SpareASquare · 28/12/2017 01:56

WTF is with the obsession with the trousers?

I don't like my ex. At all. I do, however, buy him gifts at Christmas and Birthday (if I remember his bday before an access visit) from my youngest child (the older ones buy their own) and I buy things I know he'd like. I'd rather my daughter knew she was giving something her dad was going to love. If trousers were his 'thing' I wouldn't hesitate. As it is I've bought presents with the advantage of knowing full well what he likes. Never knew that wasn't on Confused

I know you said this baby was not an attempt to force his hand but it just looks to me as a way to assert YOUR authority that backfired. Which sucks I guess but these kinds of 'accidents' usually do.
Luckily, seems like you are starting to realise that he really isn't much of a catch. Unfortunately you've tied yourself to him forever but there's no reason you can't cut your losses in other ways and move on.

Hopeful103 · 28/12/2017 05:00

Op is dancing around in circles as she is probably going to forgive him and stay with him. Even though she's realised who he is. She went thinking of how she will go it alone to 'waiting to see'.

Hopeful103 · 28/12/2017 05:10

From not of

MuseumOfCurry · 28/12/2017 05:13

Sorry OP that you've had such a shite Christmas. I think you need to get rid of this guy ASAP.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 28/12/2017 07:04

What spareasquare said

Charley50 · 28/12/2017 09:20

FGS people. Stop telling her what to do!

Hellothereitsme · 28/12/2017 10:12

Forget the trousers. My kids buy my ex (their father) personal items based on my knowledge of him. It doesn’t mean I have feelings for him still - it just means I know him and what he did like.

Some people actually do get on with the Ex’s and try to make access etc as easy as possible for all parties. My ex sees the kids at mine and they also stay at his with his GF. It just works and doesn’t mean anything except we both out the kids first.

Makingahome · 28/12/2017 10:24

Stop all the nonsense and just end it. You know he's a liar, you know he's no good. You don't need to keep going round in circles like this trying to guess everything. Just do the right thing for yourself and baby and get rid of him.

Exactly what I thought.

Lndnmummy · 28/12/2017 10:33

These threads always end like this. Start really supportive then when op doesn’t respond the way other posters think is appropriate ie she doesn’t promise that she will ltb immediately there is a turn. I find it disturbing. The OP is 36 weeks pregnant. She has just had abit of an enlightening but is about to go through the toughest time in her life (birth and newborn stage). This is her first baby. She is 25. She is obviously not going to leave now when she is about to drop. Be gentle with her.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 28/12/2017 10:35

Thank you @ldnmummy x

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 28/12/2017 10:40

Where is OP supposed to go? Long term with a newborn and all the crap they come with?
While still having to pay for the house with her Ex that she's contractually tied into for a least a number of months?!

Leaving is easy to say a hell of a lot harder to do.
She's not believing his bullshit anymore. But he's not dangerous and he can assist in his own pathetic way.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 28/12/2017 11:03

Indeed. As tempting as it feels lately to just up and bugger off it's not practical at all. I don't want to be a burden to my mother and aunt unless completely nessicary and as Taylor said he's not an actual risk to me or baby, just a git where his decision making and lies are concerned. I'm tied to the house for at least another 3 months, my landlord is lovely and I don't want to cause him any hardship by defaulting from the agreement or letting the place fall into arrears. I think the best option for everyone is for me to stay put, focus on myself & baby, and not invest so much emotionally into what he's doing

OP posts:
DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 28/12/2017 11:08

Definitely focus on you and baby. All the best

Ellisandra · 28/12/2017 11:56

Totally agree with focusing on your baby for now.

However (I think I said this 20 pages ago Grin) I do think you should use this new vision of him to inform your behaviour in the coming months.

That means - do not waste your time trying to be the one that fixes contact with his kids! Do not 'reach out' to his ex, and don't listen to his bollocks about her. Don't waste your time and mental energy when you need it most - for you baby - offering all sorts of solutions for him and his children.

Oh and if at any point he decides to take your baby without you to meet his children (in his ex's house...) then be ready to tell him no fucking way

Mxyzptlk · 28/12/2017 14:12

It's really sad to realise that someone you expected to support you is actually a bit of a limp rag and very selfish.
You can't insist on him being properly supportive so you just have to assume he won't be, then any support he gives will come as a nice surprise.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 28/12/2017 14:35

Oh god Ellisandra, you're right. I wouldn't put that past him at all.

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2017 14:57

What Ellisandra says. Especially the last sentence.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 28/12/2017 18:14

That's what I'm going to do yeah, remember all of the parts of him he's shown me can't be trusted. Leave him to his dysfunctional contact arrangements and not let it affect poor bump by getting me stressed out.

He's going round there later tonight again because ex is taking the kids away for a few days, hes off work tonight so she text him too see if he wants to pop round before they go. Don't they have bed times I asked, not when they're not at school he says. Meh good luck to him I'll have a nice bubble bath and dig out a face mask :)

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 28/12/2017 18:39

Yeah, she sounds controlling. Not Hmm

MaisyPops · 28/12/2017 18:45

I think she is ellis. I think the ex wans him back and wants the attention so is using access arrangements to her advantage and being an utter bitch to the OP about it because it lets the ex feel she's scored points by the man jumping at her beck and call.

He needs to grow a backbone and stop acting like a man child, but the ex seems quite calculating to me.

TemptressofWaikiki · 28/12/2017 20:52

Focus on yourself and your baby OP. Put everything into place that you will be able to go it alone. His stories do not add up at all. It’s easy to blame the ex but I reckon he is a massive liar and playing happy families at your expense. I would not be surprised if he isn’t lying to his ex too who may very well be led to believe that he is eventually coming back to her. He sounds like a lazy and selfish man who perhaps misses being looked after like a massive manchild.

Casablanca78 · 28/12/2017 22:13

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. You sound like a very caring, selfless and considerate person who doesn't deserve to be being treated like 'the other woman'

Sorry to harp back to the "trousers" but having being in a similar situation this is a big sign in my opinion. It's her leaving her mark on him. It's a message to you from her to say how well she knows him. She knows you'll have to look at him wearing them knowing she bought them for him. She knows you'll be the one washing and drying them all the while knowing she bought them. It's a subtle way of staking a claim. Similar to the necklace, assuming he wears it every day then it's a constant reminder to you. Giving two presents that are to be worn isn't a coincidence, it's her leaving her mark on him for you to see.

I think he needs to grow a pair and put a stop to all her games. If she's as good a mum as everyone says then she won't follow through and stop contact, she'll do what's best for her children when push comes to shove. Good luck

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 28/12/2017 23:49

There are times where I think she's playing games but then I didn't know whether I could trust my judgement when it was so clouded with his bs. It did cross my mind that the trousers were a way of winding me up, like you said it's me who has to look at them, wash them, iron them etc knowing where they came from.

The necklace he wears constantly now but as it has his little ones names on I don't think anything bad about that. She bought him a 'best daddy' cup not long ago with the kids pictures on and I thought that was a lovely thing to do. It's just when the gifts turn personal and have nothing to do with the kids that I start to wonder.

I'm friends with a couple of my exes, no remaining feelings or unresolved lack of closure.. just genuine friends. They have both got partners and I wouldn't feel it was appropriate to buy them something like that. I would be conscious that their girlfriend and wife probably wouldn't like it. She can't be oblivious.

OP posts: