To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

On the subject of playing games he didn't go there tonight because after inviting him to say bye to the kids before their little trip away she ignored his attempts to arrange a time and blanked him

Did she really ignore him though? Or could he just not be bothered? I would take everything he tells you now with a pinch of salt

He was calling her and got no answer, tried again and her phone was switched off

I think the ex is thinking the op is pregnant, will have baby soon, and the dp's attention will go to her and the new baby. so, she is trying to hang on to him as much as she can.
but I congratulate op of her pragmatic thinking and wish her and the baby best.

Blanking him doesn't make sense if she's trying to get his attention, surely?
Maybe it's just that something else was going on and she couldn't answer. Dunno.

Thanks bluebell :)

On the subject of the trousers. I thinkwith something so particular, she may have asked what he wants but he would have been the one asking for them. My b'day is near xmas and so DS asked ex-H to get something for him to give me. Ex-H told DS to ask me. So I told him some running items I'd wanted a while (including size and where to get them). When it came round to xmas and I asked DS what his Dad wanted for xmas, ex-H asked for some very particular shoes ) and even called me to talk about which ones, the size and return options. Next year, I'm going to ask for and also get him gift cards lol because it became so very personal and long winded. In summary, I think it could have been innocent but your DP probably did ask for them and she obliged.

He probably did direct her to be fair, though of course he claims to have had no idea she was buying for him. I wouldn't remember my exes exact measurements after we'd been broken up for years, maybe that's because I don't buy them clothes though lol

oh yes, tbh I felt weird discussing over sizes and stuff. I think ex-H is oblivious though, even with things like doing diy in DS room. I don't like it but DS asks and he obliges. He could just be a bit dim when it comes to his EX and how things come across. I can only speak from my experience, we are not romantically linked at all but he still does many things, could be deemed inappropriate. I call him out on it though and he will act unaware. An example, DS asked him to come take down his old bed and put up a new one. I'd never ever want him in the house doing that all day and I'm sure his GF wouldn't either. But DS asked and he obliged. He does what he wants and always did.

Nothing to do with this situation really, but why on earth are you washing and ironing his clothes, OP? You are a working woman not a housewife.

I've started doing more for him since I've been on maternity as I have too much time on my hands and it drives me nuts having nothing to do. I won't continue to be his maid when baby arrives as I won't have any time or desire to. He can go back to doing his own washing.

Had such a restless night, up every hour for the loo and keep waking up with lower back cramp. Feels like I need the loo if you know what I mean, alot of pressure. Hope this isn't a sign of bump coming early. Currently sat on the sofa doing circular motions, I must look a sight

The ex got back to him last night he's going round there this morning. I said he had better not have that bloody phone on silent

The ex got back to him last night he's going round there this morning. I said he had better not have that bloody phone on silent
This is why I think she is being controlling and scoring points. There was a plan/loose arrangement. She didn't bother to pick up and confirm it.
Now she's contacted him abd said 'drop everything and come round' and he's going.

She loves the feeling of having him at her beck and call. It says a lot about her when she's trying to score points when another woman is at hone pregnant. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Sorry to hear you're feeling rubbish OP. Please do step back from doing his shit for him though. You must look after yourself.

On the subject of playing games he didn't go there tonight because after inviting him to say bye to the kids before their little trip away she ignored his attempts to arrange a time and blanked him
I bet you after they first arranged for him to go, he said something along the line that he won't be able to stay long (because he doesn't want a repeat with you of what happened on Xmas day) and she didn't like it.

I would be amazed if he isn't living two lives. Maybe not officially with her, but keeping her sweet, telling her things that makes her think that they might get back together. He might have said that he had planned on leaving you and that's why you got pregnant, that he now can't leave you before the baby is born because you have nowhere to go/get help, but that he will do when you're back on your feet, that he is so grateful that she is being so patient....

I agree with you that you shouldn't do anything right now, wait until baby is born, you are back at work, you renew your lease etc... but I am starting to think that contacting her directly just before you are ready to end it might not be such a bad idea as it might answer quite a few questions that help you moving on.

Thank you misty. It does pee me off how he drops everything last minute to go there. There is usually set days planned when he gets his work rota he will tell her what days he has off and she will tell him when to come, but there's also last minute visits like this one that happen regularly.

Indeed swing. I will be speaking to her at some point, perhaps not right now as I don't need the extra headache but curiosity will get the better of me and I'm going to want to hear her side of things so that is definitely on my agenda in the not so distant future.

If i find out he has been spinning her a line about being trapped by pregnancy etc i will throttle the lying get. When we found out we had a long frank discussion, during which I said he's under no obligation to stay if he wasn't ready for more kids and that I would always support his role as a father to bump even if that didn't include me. No he said, he wants us both he said. He's shown the baby alot of love despite him not being here yet so It will knock me sick if I ever found out he had spoken about him/us like that

Don't see why she can't bring the kids here for a couple of hours before they go. She would be welcome to sit with them whilst I lay in bed if she's so peeved about them being around me. She only lives 15 mins up the road.

The pair of them do my bloody head in

I don't understand them I really don't. So quick to create conflicts yet no desire or effort to resolve them despite there being two young children and a soon to be newborn in the mix. Never will I ever facilitate such a toxic set of rules and regulations for my son

I get her frustration, but surely a woman in her thirties should be grown enough to realise things have to change. Even if she's not the one engineering all of the cloak and dagger act she must she it's not normal for things to be the way they are.

I am sure he means what he said about you and bump; he has just not worked out the practical implications of that. I mean, if his ex does the majority of the childcare, and sorted most things out, it may simply be that he assumes that is how it works and you will sort everything out for bump.

They probably separated because his ex tried to make him step up, whereas now he can pop in and out of his children’s lives without stepping up. Happy days. Then he comes home and you are doing most of the housework, for fear of being labelled controlling like his ex (who is happy to keep popping in to see).

And when you try to talk about it, he deflects by talking about chicken.

You are not going to change him. He needs to change himself.

X-post.

The ex-wife may well think it benefits the children to have dad come and go in their house, and co-parent amicably. She might not see it as toxic at all.
I do remember asking my XH to come over and fix some electrics when I had no idea there was a pregnant girlfriend five miles down the road. Do you think I have asked him since I found out he had a second family to think about?

But think about it for a minute, why should I not? He is DD’s dad, he can do electrics. (I still would just get an electrician in, even though XH pays no maintenance, so it’s not like he is providing that way).

I understand that you are not talking about one off visits to help with household emergencies but the truth of the situation is that your DP has responsibilities to two sets of DC, however he works it out. You have no idea whether she is quick to create conflicts (why has he not been to mediation if that is the case?), or anything really. You just know he is not reliable to you, because he is over there as and when it suits them.

Toxic rules and regulations?
Really?

Her boyfriend left her.
She then allows him to have contact in her home, because he chooses to have the cheaper rent of a shared house.
She does the vast majority of the childcare.
She is a good mother and never says negative things about him to the children (you said).
She makes the effort to buy him presents from the kids.
She fits in contact with his work days off (you know that she could say no, I can't keep fitting around you, you need to change your job and fix it around your childcare days, like all the rest of us do - right?)
On top of frequent contact facilitated by her, she also offers extra time when they're about to go away.
She's prepared to spend all day at Xmas with him, for her children.

All this, with a man who dumped her.

I still think there's a fair chance that she 'controls' access because he's a useless excessive computer gaming idiot who couldn't be bothered to sort out decent accommodation in which to be a father, or change his work to accommodate actually having his kids alone.

Of course she may be controlling and enjoying him jumping to her tune.

But even if that's the case, I do not believe for one minute that he has ever made proper efforts to have a different contact arrangement.

It doesn't matter how awful his ex is, she is not the reason that he lied to you about where he was on Xmas day, pretended to be sick, and refused to talk about your issues.

"Ooooh look at that chicken" was not his ex's fault.

Stop focusing on her, and judge him by his behaviour.

Don't see why she can't bring the kids here for a couple of hours before they go

I get her frustration, but surely a woman in her thirties should be grown enough to realise things have to change

I'm afraid some people are like this. They are angry about their ex's new partner and angry with their ex but they still want them back. Some will use their children to exercise control over their ex. Some will actively work to get their ex back - buying costly and/or very personal presents is a common tactic. Some will try to undermine their ex's new relationship. If we take his description of her behaviour at face value, I would say that is what is going on here.

If your partner came to me for legal advice and said the same things he has said to you, I would recommend trying mediation with his ex. It is possible that this would allow him to get more reasonable contact arrangements. If she refused mediation or mediation failed I would recommend going for a contact order. I would, however, warn him that she may stop contact completely when he starts legal proceedings and that he may face a long battle before he sees them again.

I don't condone his behaviour but I have seen it many times before in men who want to avoid conflict and are worried about losing contact with their children. He needs to recognise that things cannot carry on as they are. If he wants to keep you he needs to address this.

she is not the reason that he lied to you about where he was on Xmas day, pretended to be sick, and refused to talk about your issues

I love the way guesses become facts. As far as I can see we don't know for sure that he lied about where he was on Christmas Day, nor do we know that he pretended to be sick. The third point is definitely true, however.

It's all very well saying why can't she bring the kids over to yours but do you honestly think your DP would want that? He doesn't want his two worlds colliding, it suits him to keep you apart.

And 'toxic'? She facilitates regular contact in a way that appears to suit them both and the only communication you have actually witnessed from her is her angrily telling him he'd better turn up on time. From your DP however you have seen him lie about your existence and hide a pregnancy you still have no real idea if his kids even know about. He's the toxic one and it isn't because of their contact arrangements. See how much of a decent, hands on and reliable parent he is to your baby when he's born. You find yourself sympathising with contact with you always present when you are running around and he is on his xbox or out somewhere with his phone switched off.

The OP seemed pretty certain that he was lying about being sick.

*You might find youself sympathising

like you said it's me who has to look at them, wash them, iron them etc knowing where they came from

You should get that idea out of your head. I've never once in the 35 years we have been together washed or ironed my husband's clothes.

What did you see in this man? He doesn't have a redeeming feature.