To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

That's exactly what he's like Donny. In the past when he's been a twat he's been grovelling a while then if I brought it up again he would get mardy. He's only every sorry for a short while and doesn't like things to continue past his first or second apology. Not realistic in an adult world if things aren't resolved

I don't think there's any point with arguing him over whether the trousers are inappropriate or not.

I actually don't think it's that personal a present - though I understand why you do.

But remember, she bought them - not him. So he didn't do anything wrong.

Love, he's done a whole fuckton of other things wrong, so don't waste your breath on the trousers.

He's a lying shit about being ill

Do you really think he ever made more than a half hearted suggestion about having the kids overnight?

• He doesn't have fixed nights off.
• He would have had to go to his dad's (you said he's not close to his family - you really think he'd want to spend his time off there?)
• When he does have 2 nights off, he'll lose some of the 2 days to sleep - or he'll just stay on his normal sleep pattern (gaming all night) - that doesn't fit easily with children
• you know he's lazy and a 'zombie' for an hour in the morning - how much do you really think he was going to pull out the single parenting stops?
• he would surely want some nights 'off' - not working and no kids. You know - for dating?
• some separated parents both choose no overnights - not all kids can cope with them, especially when it's not fixed days. You said they were 5-7 and you've been together for 2 years ish, and there was a gap. So they were 2-4 or 3-6. Definitely an age where some parents agree not to do overnights

I think the reason he has never gone to court, is because she has either never refused, or said "I think it will work better at mine" and he's said "phew, thank fuck for that, then I don't have to stay with my dad or give up my £200 tattoos to rent a place to house them, I don't have to actually do any parenting just the fun stuff - oh and she'll cook my dinner whilst I'm there".

Because I'm damn sure he's been fed by her on these contact sessions.

I think he is totally full of bullshit that there was ever a 'fight' over contact.

Was it just the one time you saw the aggressive messages, when she found out about you? So, not a pattern of it?

Look at it from her point of view. You're 10 years younger and he's accidentally got you pregnant. Because I bet he told her it wasn't planned rather than face her disapproval. What would you think? I'd think - fucking hell, we had a good set up here, kids happy. Now he's got some child pregnant (hmmm - bet she did it to trap him, stupid fool) now there'll be less time and money for my children, all because of his stupidity.

*I'm not suggesting that's a fair assessment of the situation! But honestly, if I were her, I'd be thinking it was yet another example of his usual childish cock ups. This time impacting my children. I'd be angry.

He's parading around in the trousers because he's thrilled to possess them. He's not worried if they were a suitable present or not.

That’s true Donny. All good stuff in the bank for him

Yeah the trousers are the least of my worries I'm not letting that overshadow the serious aspects here don't worry. It just helped to be able to have a giggle for the first time in days as it's been a shitty xmas with not much festive cheer at all.

I think what you've said makes perfect sense @ellisandra I really do.

I wouldn't even blame his ex for being mad. Throughout the past two years I've often felt sympathy for how she might be feeling, that's another small part of the reasons I've been so passive. Despite what he's said about what she apparently says and demands, I've never had any ill feelings towards her.

As a mum to two young children of course she will be “controlling”. Who wouldn’t? He is not reliable and the children are too young to fend for themselves. Of course it is going to be painful for her that he is creating a new family with someone he has just met (it will feel like that to her). I think he is bending the truth to both of you and I think that he believes his own half truths. He sees himself as a victim with all these controlling women around him. Spineless shit.

It is interesting that he is not that close to other family members and telling that his brother is friendly with ex wife. Not likely he would be if she had been the horrid control freak that he has portraid her to be. He wants an easy life. Sure, we all do. Problem is that his easy is at the expense of everyone else, most importantly soon three children. It is despicable behaviour.

What a baby. Lying about a sore throat. Ffs

All the attention he’s getting from his ex and you, he’s probably loving it. She obviously put a lot of thought into his gifts which shows she still has strong feelings for him, I think he’s lapping it up
This.
It sounds like ex thought the relationship was fine. He got bored that she wasn't showering him with attention so he left.

She still has feelings for him so probably is enjoyong being able to use the kids as bait (I still think the ex is enjoying playing games and scoring points and does contact with the kids as a weapon. I also think she is getting silly kicks that she is managing to 'win' time and attention from him via the children).
However, now the ex is lavishing attention on him now he is loving every second of it because it's a total ego boost for him

It's almost come full circle in my eyes anyway.

1. He is spineless and needs to get fixed contact arrangements which are separate from his relationship with his ex
2. She is a manipulative woman using the kids as bait so she can hold some power over her ex (probably so she can have some attention from him).

Sorry I'm way behind but as a parent to two small children I would be absolutely furious if a man who was so sick he couldn't eat, drink or talk on the phone came to MY house spreading his germs on Christmas Day and over the Christmas holidays when the kids are off school!

What a shit parent.

Camo trousers?!

Is he like a life sized Action Man?

Life size inaction man more like.

I did say that to him actually, that he should have gone to the doctors and got his throat problem cleared up before Xmas seeing as he was going to spend it with his kids.

I don't think there's anything really wrong with him though and definitely nothing like glandular fever. Ever since over exaggerating on Xmas evening over the phone he's been fine since I've been back. Eating and drinking fine no complaints about being ill and back to work today.

He probably does enjoy the attention from his ex. He knows full well no woman who had any bad feeling toward him would have him round for the whole day and buy him gifts. A few hours through gritted teeth for the kids sake yes but not all day and evening.

Camo. Yup. Tell me about it lol

The thing about the trousers is if she bought them for him “from the kids”, what did he buy for her “from the kids”?

Pregnant or not, I’d be demanding absolute honesty at this point. Doesn’t mean he’s not there at the birth of your baby and not helping out afterwards with full access etc. I just couldn’t live a daily existence torturing myself, second guessing everything. It’d be quite easily (albeit painfully) done by me: these are the rules, this is what’s going to happen. Either you play along or you leave because you’ve put me in a position where my energy is being diverted from the baby and what’s going to happen to me in 4 weeks, to something I should never have to waste my time on. If you don’t go, I will go to my Mum. You will be responsible for all bills here. If you go, you will still be responsible for all bills here because you are the one who has caused this shit. I know you can’t afford this place on your own. Therefore, I suggest you play ball and tell me what the hell is going on. All cards on the table. Once and for all. If I need to, I will speak to your ex. I haven’t reached any conclusions yet because I don’t know all the facts yet - it might not be all bad for you. But I need to know what’s going on in my life, I won’t be taken for a ride any longer.

Or something like that.

Thing is, if the ex was so awful and controlling, why would he wear the trousers? My ex was controlling (really), he used to buy me the clothes he wanted me to wear, not what he knew I liked. He had no idea what I liked at all, because it was all about how he thought I should be.

Do you see the difference?

And the second difference is that the clothes felt like they were choking me, as did jewellery from him, after we separated. I couldn’t wear them.

So you could say it was emotionally manipulative to give gifts ‘from the children’, but if he did not want them, they would be in a drawer. Truth is, he did want them, and she knew him well enough to know that. That is not controlling, that is caring. Whether it was appropriate or not is another matter.

So I don’t think you are over-reacting about the trousers, the trousers sum up the whole situation really.

I really, truly wonder what story she was told about where you were for Christmas.

Or if she knows the OP exists at all, Cocoa.

Well, quite. I am confused about that bit.

Yeah the whole gift thing doesn't make much sense, for many reasons. One of these reasons being that she's supposed to be an angry ex who's banned him from taking the kids anywhere but her place or a nearby park incase he has them around his girlfriend. She is supposedly so infuriated at him introducing them to me and bringing them here that she's restricted his contact to such a heavy degree. Then she goes and buys him trousers? Not any old trousers but well thought out ones that she knows he would be thrilled with.

Shes no angry ex I've ever heard about. In fact, based on that part alone she looks like an ex who's still emotionally invested in him and holds out hope for a reunion, maybe.

We've all been a bit blind when it comes to love at some point in our lives. Would it be unreasonable to assume maybe she wanted to remind him how well she knows him and wants to make him happy, along with a nice family xmas etc.

He probably told her I had gone off to families leaving him on his own with no Christmas dinner or anything else. Poor bloke. I highly doubt he told her the real version which was that he was keen for me to go so he could go there Christmas day and not feel bad about being out of the house the entire morning noon and evening.

I really want to stamp my feet and say enough is enough sort this shit now and I want to know everything, every last detail about what you're telling her and what she's saying to you. I want to demand he tell me and then verify his version of events or I'm leaving, that or he is.

The thing is, because I've vented all of this on here to you ladies and not him.. if I was to just explode and say right that's it.. He's going to be like, wtf? Where is this coming from. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I think the first thing he will take from it is that I'm accusing him of having an affair with his ex.

I will admit I'm not the most "wifey" of people. I cook and clean but he cooks too, and I don't make a big fuss of him babying him sending him to work with packed lunches or whatever else. She was very mothering of him that much I know. Very much the domesticated family woman. I'm not that way inclined, sure I know I'll be a good mum but I'm not down to wipe his arse for him in the process. She did.

She chose not to work and to stay home caring for the kids, totally her prerogative and good for her, I on the other hand worked all the way through my pregnancy and intend to go back as soon as little one is old enough to go into child care. 3 months I believe? So I haven't the time or inclination to be a housemaid to him.

That's what he's used to. He's better off going back to her to be honest. If she will have him.

What would happen if in a really cheery voice you said
'You know what we're all adults. And me and her are mothers. I'm going to message her and invite her for some coffee so we can go for coffee and I can reassure her I'm good. With you two getting along so well it would be a shame to miss this opportunity.'

Why don’t you write down all the questions you want answers to?

I am not saying you need to ask him them right away, or post them on here, but get yourself a piece of paper and write down the questions you have for him and why.

Then write down everything you know and why/how you know. If you do this before you talk to him, then it is harder for him to shift the goalposts.

You don’t ever have to show him what you write, but it will help stop him make you think you are imagining things/overreacting or whatever else he might come up with.

Unless she bought him the gift as a deliberate way of winding me up cause she knew he would wear them and have to explain where they came from? Hmm. Possible

Well, you kind of are, aren’t you? If not an actual physical affair, at least not full-on separation.

You’ve got a very good point though: sometimes it’s easy to get sucked into mumsnet. Very often (mostly?) it bears little likeness to real life. In the past I’ve put it away for a few days to give myself time to think. Points are often valid, and may be relevant, but anybody posting here only ever hears one side of the story. Only you have the context. Maybe you might like to put this thread away for a few days (actually the whole of MN because in matters such as yours, the general drift is often in the same direction), give yourself some time to think. I wouldn’t ever act hastily. But neither would I let myself slip back into old ways.

Definitely. I need to make note of everything I want answers to so I have a clear picture in my head and can figure out how to move forward.

Still strongly considering extending an invitation for dinner (or coffee) and seeing how he reacts

You don't have to actually do it if you're worried about her.
But I think it would just be interesting to see how he reacts to his two lives (and lies) colliding.

I reckon if she mothered him, then the trousers come from that angle.

How much maternity leave do you get? You can usually take more then three months, I think.

I could stay at home longer than three months but I would rather go back to work asap, whether that changes when babies here idk

My wanting to get back to work as soon as is also financial.