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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 27/12/2017 17:07

You haven't come across like you are trying to restrict contact, if anything you have tolerated too much ill treatment from him in order to try to do right by his kids. I would echo what another poster just said about how he might not be working when he says he is, especially as he is regularly running out of money. Maybe he isn't earning as much because he doesn't work as much as he says.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:14

Tbh he's always been irresponsible with his wages as long as I've known him. He thinks nothing of splurging and not budgeting whilst he has chance. Once before I was pregnant he dropped £200 on a tattoo and some other bits and then at the end of the month wondered why he was low on cash. He always pays his bills and kids money first but then doesn't budget what's left.

I don't suspect he would have a job to go back to if he kept bunking off to spend nights at hers but what do I know, I may aswell be a mushroom the amount I'm kept in the dark

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:15

Something that is odd about when he is at work though. At the start, he would always call me on his first break before I went to sleep. Religiously. doesn't do that anymore and hasn't for months. That's a potential alarm bell.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 27/12/2017 17:26

OP this is all so sad. its probably all General crapness rather than deliberately being nasty, but the effect on your wellbeing and lack of sense of security is the same.

Do you mind me asking what special trousers he likes as I'm very curious? Are they cuffed baggy tracksuit bottoms? I'm not making light of your situation, I just keep wondering! (Apologies if it's not the time or place for such questions) X

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:31

Lol that did make me smile @charley50

The trousers are army print khaki camo ones. He has a very specific style when he's not at work, he likes all things camo. I can imagine that puts some funny images to mind. (Not that he walks about head to toe in camouflage by the way) but he loves the individual items of clothing, accessories etc.

He owns shorts and lounge pants in a similar style, as well as other bits and bobs. I guess those who know him well know what he likes, but still feels a bit personal doesn't it x

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 27/12/2017 17:32

I think all your suspicions are right Sad

I’m not sure how you have put up with it for so long.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:33

They're something I've considered buying for him a few times as I know it would make him happy, but always chose other gifts as to be honest I think they're bloody awful. Lol

So I know she must have thought the same when buying them "oh will love them"

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:34

Me either @lovemusic33

Blind hope and my wanting to always see the best in a man I've made a baby with I suspect. Alongside not wanting to face the fact i could be taken for a ride. Its a bitter pill to swallow to accept I've been a mug

OP posts:
Firefries · 27/12/2017 17:36

I think you're all correct on here on so many issues. Let's face it broken relationships and then new relationships, kids involved and new families, people who are just crap at communicating well, and people who will manipulate others to get their own way - that's all of us too here typing on our keyboard and phones.
People are people OP and everyone in this scenario is going to be hurt and probably act out their hurt and not be so kind to everyone else. I don't think there is an easy answer OP and yes you will get hurt and yes the ex will get hurt and yes the kids involved will get hurt. You cannot stop that happening and you will see that time and time again. However I do think you can try and come up with a reasonable plan with the ex to make it work (talk adult to adult with her). I don't think your partner is going to do that. He sounds like he faffs around and just wants whatever it is for him to be happy. Try and not see it like "camps" where it's the ex versus you. Have a chat with the ex and if nothing comes of it then leave it. Let it play out and see what happens. If his kids are turned against you and him, there is nothing you can do about it. But the kids will get to an age one day when they will make their own decision about you and their dad. You might have to let that play out. Meanwhile you actually have your own child joining the picture now and you will be very busy with that. Let your partner figure out how he will be a good dad to his kids. That's actually his job. And put your time into making sure your baby has a mum and dad that are working at making things right. That's ALL you can do. I don't believe you can effect what happens with his kids now or how he plays the ex, but you can put down boundaries and draw a line with what you expect from your partner in your home. And if he is a computer game fanatic, then he will have to grow up. He now has two families and a job to go to, so he will be a very busy man. It's all his choice of course, but don't now be his parent or his mum and try and sort all this it out for him by "letting him do this for the ex" and "not upsetting the children". Just chat to the ex about making it work. Don't get angry just say what you think could work. She may be mad and not engage you that's her choice too (even if a poor choice) but at least you tried. Set your boundaries of what you want and leave your partner to sort out his messes. Your partner has to grow up now and he has to do most of the hard work here. Meantime you just decide what you want from your relationship with him, and what you want as parents to your child, and be clear with him on that. Best of luck.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 27/12/2017 17:40

Sorry, I wasn’t accusing you
Of actually doing those things, just musing that it’s the sort of response you might get from him

Lovemusic33 · 27/12/2017 17:44

Tumble I have been a mug many times, it is hard to admit the obvious to yourself sometimes Sad.

All the attention he’s getting from his ex and you, he’s probably loving it. She obviously put a lot of thought into his gifts which shows she still has strong feelings for him, I think he’s lapping it up. He should have put a stop to this a long time ago and should have got regular access sorted with the dc’s where he picks them up and takes them for the day or weekend, he shouldn’t have to see them at the family home with her present (yes sometimes it’s ok and it’s good that both parents get a long but this is more than that). I think if I was you I would be tempted to tell him you want to end things until he has sorted out the situation, he will either go back to her or he will sort it out and get access sorted.

You don’t deserve to be messed around, he needs to sort this out before the baby comes, if he can’t then I would wave him goodbye.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 27/12/2017 17:45

He packed you
Off to your family so you wouldn’t know when he got home but I bet he’d make
Put it was for your benefit and you’re throwing it crack in his face

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 27/12/2017 17:47

So many spelling
Mistakes

Mxyzptlk · 27/12/2017 17:52

He's told you that the ex won't let him have the kids anywhere except at her house in case you, the "strange woman", are there.
Her reason may not be animosity to you but distrust of him.
She might have a point.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:52

I've definitely been baring the burden of his alleged contact difficulties, agonising over how unfair it seems that he must see them at her place. I've felt pity for him on many occasions, before the penny began to drop that he really wasn't helping himself and wasn't giving me the full picture. Its not my responsibility or place to monitor or fret over his contact he should have been doing that himself. Needs to start doing himself. Needs to do now.

I'm suddenly very pissed off about the trousers. Lol. Petty in the grand scheme of things? I'm prepared to accept that and take it on the chin. I didn't really give it much thought until today. Its not something I would usually kick up a fuss about.

I'm tempted to broach the subject. It just seems too personal doesn't it. I've been with him two years and honestly, I wouldn't know what specific size to get in measurements. Would she remember after all this time had passed or would she have asked him to remind her, and have him tell her? Did he know she was planning on buying him presents? All questions I'm asking myself.

Would I make myself look a fool by telling him I think the trousers are a touch innapropeiate? He already said they're from the kids which is obviously bull.

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 27/12/2017 17:56

I’m so sorry Tumble. Can you go and stay with your mum for a week or so. It is unacceptable to turn your phone on silent when your partner is heavily pregnant. I had my first baby at 36 weeks. You could have gone into labour. I think, and I realise how hard this is but you have to force him to step up. His complete ignorance of you and his baby is utterly disgraceful. Don’t be too kind. You need to stand up for yourself and your baby and make him realise you won’t stand for this shit. I say this with kindness and I realise how utterly hard and souls destroying all this is. Flowers

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 27/12/2017 17:56

He has a very specific style when he's not at work, he likes all things camo.

Makes it easier for him to be elusive and slink about unnoticed when up to no good. Grin

Lndnmummy · 27/12/2017 17:58

Personally I would leave the trousers but go ballistic over the fact that he is non contactable when you are heavily pregnant. I don’t know this man but I have been pissed off with him all dayAngry

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:59

Thank you ldnmummy

I could go and stay with my mum but i feel much more comfortable being at home where I have all my home comforts. That's not because he's here though. I love my little home it's my sanctory and I don't want to have to uproot because of him.

Oh Donny I've just laughed out loud that is brilliant Grin he looked up from his newspaper smiling and said what. So tempting to relay that. So so tempting

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 27/12/2017 18:08
Grin
Charley50 · 27/12/2017 18:08

Lol Tumbleweed... Thanks for sharing! If I see any camo clad mid-30's men bowling around I'll be sure to give them the evils!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 18:08

I just raised the trousers. Cringe.

I said let's be honest your children didn't see them trousers and think let's buy them for daddy, did they? He said no honestly probably not. I said they are a very personal thing to buy somebody and I know you've been going on about trousers like that for a while. He said yes I have, for ages, I had some years ago and they ripped.

I said so basically they're a gift from her then, he said to be honest yes they will have been - but on the wrapping it said from the kids. He claimed he thought it was a bit out of touch himself. Likely story when he's parading around in them.

He then said, "look I was worried about coming back with presents In case you thought anything was untoward. I knew there would be something from the kids but I wasn't expecting anything else other than a small token gift from them"

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 18:11

@charley50

Oh you lot are great you know. I'm laughing out loud again, he looks sheepish! It feels good to be able to smile after a shitty Xmas

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 27/12/2017 18:13

He’ll agree with everything you say for a while. He knows he needs to earn brownie points right now. It will wear off though, he will start to snap at you and get fed up with playing the reasonable, apologetic partner. I hate that I know this script so well.

Charley50 · 27/12/2017 18:14

What fireflies (said about communicating with ex) and ldnmummy said. Forget about the trousers they're the least of your worries!